Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Interesting, isn't it?

Project "fade out" is still in full force. Project fade out, as in the last chapter I'm allowing my "parents" to have in my life. It's the last chapter, actually, the one where they don't exist. I decided this was the year that I would finally decide "no more", and Mother's Day was a mile stone for me. I did nothing for Paula. She doesn't even deserve to be in the same sentence as the word "Mother". I hope it stung her a little. Stung her a little like her fist did my body. Stung her a little like her utter coldness stung my heart. I hope it hurt. I hope she feels a sad. Maybe lonely. Like I did all those years, when I wanted to die. Death was better then their imprisonment. I dreamed of being free, yet freedom continued, for years, to escape me.

I thought about my biological mother. Some one asked me the other day about her, if I felt sad for her. And I exclaimed "Why should I feel sad for her, I feel sad for MYSELF!". I don't feel badly for her that she misses my brother, sister, and I. I don't feel badly that she made this horrible bed for herself. Let her lay in it. It's NOT my problem. I feel "BAD" for myself. For real. I feel bad I never had a real mother. I didn't even know what a BED was. I didn't have enough to eat. I was frightened, scared, horrified. I feel BAD for myself.

Paula's mother has made a couple attempts to be in touch with me. And I found myself second guessing myself. Second guessing my decision about also removing ALL my "adoptive family" from my life, as well as my "adoptive parents". I found myself yearning for that taste of a "little more family". I want it. I always have. I've had this email from Paula's mother in my inbox for a week now. I deleted it this morning. The thought came to me recently, while I was toying with this idea, that while my adoptive grandmother has done me no wrong, I know she doesn't believe me. She doesn't, and neither do the others, believe that her daughter was a monster. She. Doesn't. Believe.Me. She wouldn't back me up, listen to me, hear me out. I don't need another person in my life, although she's a nice woman, to try to silence me. I am not about to walk down THAT road again.

Seriously, don't you think? Why bother.

14 comments:

Ashley said...

People can be damaging without saying a word. I think all though it was probably a tough personal decision, it was the right one for you. The best freedom can be letting go.

Are You Serious! said...

♡ If it was me in your position I would do the same thing. I would hope that I wouldn't let myself hate them and yet I don't think I could let them be in my life either to set myself up for more hurt. So I think I'd be doing exactly what you're doing!

Danielle-lee said...

Yes, I agree with you. She shouldn't get the satisfaction of having a relationship with you NOW, as an adult, if she didn't believe you before. Unbelievable.
I'm sure you know this, but 'family' is such an everchanging word. You can have dear friends who are family to you. I am so sorry you weren't able to have a biological family that cared for you the right way. They don't deserve you.

Are You Serious! said...

♡ I tagged you but no pressure if you don't want to do it that totally fine! :)

just jamie said...

Good for you for not giving her any moment of Mother's Day. Eck. She's not a mother in any form.

As for Paula's Mom. I dunno. I might have just typed your last paragraph there to her. Something to show her that you know *she* may not be intentionally cruel but her lack of action has hurt you. Not believing you is ignorant.

Better that you handled it with silence on second thought. Everything doesn't deserve an explanation.

Lindsey said...

I hope project "Fade Out" is helping you heal. I'm sure it's so hard when you see yourself being the mother you wish you had had.

Kami said...

I think you are absolutely right Misty. I do wonder though, if Paula was abusive, where did she learn it? It's possible that her mother doesn't believe you because she feels that behaviour is acceptable.

It's not.

You know and I know it.

That's enough.

:-)

LaskiGal said...

I just don't know it if could ever be good, right, with her. You'd always be thinking, wondering, doubting. It is worth it? Life it just too short . . .

Mike and Angie said...

You're a strong and amazing woman to overcome the life handed at you. I'm amazed by your wonderful children you have raised and I know they know you love them...what more can you ask for? You broke the cycle baby! They will never havae to go through the pain and suffering you did! That speaks for itself right there! I agree...why should they share in the joy of your children, when they were less than willing to give you a proper childhood? Just my opinion!

Lynell said...

Stay strong. I am so amazed by the way you have figured things out. My mom acutally just recently wrote about my Grandmother who lived through a lot of the same things as you. You should take a look.

http://grammysnews.blogspot.com/

Marie said...

Friends are family you get to choose for yourself and thankfully they can be a lot more loving and supportive. ((((hugs))) We must learn to cling to all that is good in our lives and to put in the past all that would steal our joy. Putting this behind you is probably the healthiest thing for you to do.

Mary said...

Stay strong Misty!
I think your silence was best.

Yes, I said MAINE in my last post. I love ME. I grew up vacationing in Rome and Belgrade during the summers. Now, with my husband, his parents own a home on Mousam Lake in Acton. Right outside of Sanford. It is beautiful :)

Have a good day Misty!

Klin said...

Boundaries create safety. Good for you for sticking to your boundaries and creating safety for you.

If "grandma" doesn't believe you then she commits secondary wounding. Not ok, at all.

Keep the faith. You are doing what's hard, at least for now. It will get easier. You know that saying that Jesus said love everyone? I find that some people are easier to love when I don't have anything to do with them. This is because they hurt me or those I love. I am not for hurting. Misty, You are not for hurting. You are for loving.

TUTU Monkey said...

Hugs to you!!