Project "fade out" is still in full force. Project fade out, as in the last chapter I'm allowing my "parents" to have in my life. It's the last chapter, actually, the one where they don't exist. I decided this was the year that I would finally decide "no more", and Mother's Day was a mile stone for me. I did nothing for Paula. She doesn't even deserve to be in the same sentence as the word "Mother". I hope it stung her a little. Stung her a little like her fist did my body. Stung her a little like her utter coldness stung my heart. I hope it hurt. I hope she feels a sad. Maybe lonely. Like I did all those years, when I wanted to die. Death was better then their imprisonment. I dreamed of being free, yet freedom continued, for years, to escape me.
I thought about my biological mother. Some one asked me the other day about her, if I felt sad for her. And I exclaimed "Why should I feel sad for her, I feel sad for MYSELF!". I don't feel badly for her that she misses my brother, sister, and I. I don't feel badly that she made this horrible bed for herself. Let her lay in it. It's NOT my problem. I feel "BAD" for myself. For real. I feel bad I never had a real mother. I didn't even know what a BED was. I didn't have enough to eat. I was frightened, scared, horrified. I feel BAD for myself.
Paula's mother has made a couple attempts to be in touch with me. And I found myself second guessing myself. Second guessing my decision about also removing ALL my "adoptive family" from my life, as well as my "adoptive parents". I found myself yearning for that taste of a "little more family". I want it. I always have. I've had this email from Paula's mother in my inbox for a week now. I deleted it this morning. The thought came to me recently, while I was toying with this idea, that while my adoptive grandmother has done me no wrong, I know she doesn't believe me. She doesn't, and neither do the others, believe that her daughter was a monster. She. Doesn't. Believe.Me. She wouldn't back me up, listen to me, hear me out. I don't need another person in my life, although she's a nice woman, to try to silence me. I am not about to walk down THAT road again.
Seriously, don't you think? Why bother.