Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Ponder this.




I stole this picture from facebook. That's ok, right? So read it. And think about it. It says a lot to someone like me who has some pretty hefty abandonment issues. The soft part of me wants to cry a little when I think about it, and the smart ass in me is wondering if it's ok to trip them when they are walking away.

To my mother - You know, if you were truly off your rocker, why the hell did you think you should have kids anyway. And FYI, you don't leave your kids in the middle of the night and not bother saying goodbye, dumb ass. You've screwed your kids up FOR LIFE. Your broke their hearts.

To my father - Giving up your kids for a girlfriend. TOTALLY lame ass. And rude. And heartless. Especially when your kids get molested and pissed on there. Shame on you. Pretty sure your name is under a special kind of word in the dictionary, and it ain't the word father either.

To my adoptive parents - Shame on you. If you HATED being parents, you should not have adopted kids. You don't get kid and treat them like shit. You don't get kids to pad your resume or to make you look like a better human being. You don't get kids and not feed them right. You don't get kids to beat them up. You don't get kids to do all your house work, yard work, cooking, and cleaning. You don't get kids to lock them in their rooms, ignore them, and scream at them that you hate them. If you hated being a parent, you shoulda called in quits. Like. FOREVER ago.

To friends that walk away - Your loss. I'm pretty freaking amazing. A lot to handle sometimes, yes. A lot to edit out sometimes, yes. Leave your head spinning sometimes, pretty sure that's a yes, too. But let me tell you something else. I am loyal. I am devoted. I am wild. I am funny. I love like mad. I would do anything for you. I would rescue you, take you in, feed you, help you back on your feet. I would cry with you, laugh with you, take on your enemies with you. Once I know you're safe to love, I would never abandon you. If you cannot see that when I act out, I am just afraid, you have no business knowing me. I am soft hearted and afraid. All I want is your love, too. Not to mention I give amazing hugs.

So keep walking...... and like that picture says, too, your part in my story is over.



xoxo Misty

Thursday, October 13, 2011

I wish I had a Mama.

Some hurdles are meant to be leaped over, some knock us down, some we can't even get our butts over. Someone asked me once if I would ever "get over" my mother choosing to leave us. During the night. Right before Easter. Never saw her again. The answer, simply, is no. No you don't. There is a huge part of me that will always wish I had a Mama. A Mama that is truly my own, a Mama that adores me like I adore my children. I have needed a mother. One that would be there for me, that lets me sob into her shoulder, one that will never ever leave. Never leave me, because I simply am one of the reasons she breaths. People are so hopelessly flawed. It has been so rare for me to find a friend that is steadfast and true, and is forever. I have a hard time getting that. If you're not "blood" to someone, then their family always comes first, and friendships are allowed to fall my the way side. What cannot I become a part of someone's family? Why does blood have to define that? Where does that leave someone like me? Someone that doesn't have that mother and father or other relatives that make some other lucky duck feel whole. It makes people like me afraid to death to trust in human relationships. After Isaac died, I thought bonds would be fortified, but really, most fell away. The few people I shared Isaac with, outside of family, are no longer in my life. I shared the most precious and sacred part of myself and they walked away. Couldn't deal. Talk about casting pearls before swine. It still stings. Some how I have to let it go.

And then. Then there are a golden couple that have forgiven me at my worst, given me chance after chance, and some how still loved this miserably flawed person that I am. It's a next door neighbor that has become like a sister, an old high school girlfriend that loves me just because she thinks some parts of me are amazing. I am thankful for those women in my life. I need them. Kinda like I've always needed a Mama. I need that kind of love, that someone sees the worth in me that can sometimes be shadowed by my inability to be "normal". Tender mercies from God. I thank Him for that.

Avery. Avery is like a breath of fresh air in our home. People say a baby changes everything. And he does. He does not change what has happened, what we lost, that I had to bury my son, but he has brought about a change in my heart. He has softened the blows life deals out. When I look at him, I marvel at the miracle he is. He is whole and healthy and God delivered him to us. New life is miraculous. Every smile. Every coo. Every drool, burp, pool, squeal, cry - - I bask in it. When I look at him, I feel a sudden burst of joy in my heart that has been missing for so long. Many times I have felt pure happiness, I love the feeling. I have missed it so much.

Anyways - until another time, I know that it is few and far in between, but I'll be back when I can.


xo Misty

Monday, September 26, 2011

Two months old!


Look who is 2 months old. Since this little sweet pea has entered our lives, there is little time leftover for extras. I'm still working from home full time, as well as raising up my 4 sweet cherubs. Our lives are very full and busy, and we're truly happier then we've been in so long. Finally, FINALLY the tide has turned!

xo Misty

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Inspiration....




I'm finding it hard to put my camera down with this new little boy around. Next is a sibling shoot, I think.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Healing balm.





Having a new baby in our home after 5.5 years has been an incredible change. I have felt every emotion on the planet. I've gone from culture shock, to being sure I couldn't do it, to feeling more confidant in my abilities. Sweet Avery is such a healing balm to our broken hearts, but it has made our grief for Isaac more apparent, as we grieve not having these moments with him. What I have appreciated the most, is having my arms filled again. I have so appreciated having a baby in our home when we've been missing that for so long, it helps our family to feel more complete. What a blessing and tender mercy our sweet Avery is, we love him so much.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Avery's arrived!




Avery Quinn

Born 8:05 am, 7/27/11

9 lb 6 oz



We're over the moon.



xoxo Misty

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Avery is coming...

He just doesn't know it yet!

My c-section is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 7:30am. Please keep our family in your prayers as we open this new chapter of our lives together.

Updates to follow as able!



Love, Misty

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Overwhelmed.


Baby Avery's birth is coming right up - - we finally agreed on a name! I have a c-section at the end of the month, and I feel a little unprepared with all of the feelings that are swirling around. I feel like for the most part I've been a champ. I've taken the worry in stride, done my best to prepare for this little one with joy in my heart, and worked hard to help my family feel optimistic about a wonderful outcome that is coming our way. But truth be told, behind it all, I am scared to death. It's funny when you experience something as traumatic as the death of an infant. Everything stays with you. Not just the memories, but sounds, smells, people's faces..... Every week when I go to the same hospital for my NSTs, I look at those same doors in Labor and Delivery, knowing that the last time Andrew and I held hands walking through them, our lives changed forever, that our hearts would experiences brokenness we had not known before. The smells of the rooms and waiting area and the noises of people hustling around bring me right back. I can see those events play out in my mind like they are happening all over again. I look at those doors, and I want to bolt through them. I want to bolt through them and make someone take my baby out while I KNOW he's alive. I am so tired from waiting. It's been months, years now, we've waited for a new baby in our home. I just want to be done. I want this part over with. I just can't even explain, there are no words really. No words for what happened and what we felt. I've tried my best to describe, I've tried to share pictures, but I just can't even explain what transpired the days before, the day of, and the days after Isaac died. I just want something different now. I want that joy again.

As Avery's birth gets closer, the days seem longer. I'm 3/4 done with all my spring cleaning and baby prep, and I'm just trying to stay busy so that I don't get swept away in the fear. It is really hard though. Just really, really, hard. I am thankful this baby is on the active side. Each time I feel him bumble around, I feel so thankful. I am amazed that I can feel his body through my own. I am amazed that I can press against his body, and he moves and presses back. He knows I am his Mama. Towards the end, those moments were so very few and far in between with our precious Isaac. I try to enjoy those moments with this baby now, instead of being afraid that I'll lose out on them. It's hard though, because now we all know you can lose. It's part of life now.

And now, my dears, I need a fat ass piece of chocolate. These hormones are evil today. Wish me luck.


xoxo Misty

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Getting it together.

I'm exhausted today. I decided a couple of weeks ago that I would start getting ready for this baby. I've sunk my heels in for most of this pregnancy, being drug along for the ride until I've felt secure enough that this dream would come true. Trouble is - I don't quite believe it yet. I day dream about the baby coming, and try to picture it in my head, but that fear still looms. It's my quiet companion every moment of every day.

So. I made a list anyway. There are several items on my list. General baby prep, spring cleaning, things to buy, cleaning the car, installing the car seat - - all of those kinds of things. In my head, spring cleaning and I have a complicated relationship. I don't have a messy house by any means, many people can vouch for that, but it's the nitty gritty cleaning I have rebelled against. I was too sick to spring clean before Isaac came, and he was dieing anyway. Afterwards I was too heart broken to take on the task, grieving all that was lost, and after suffering miscarriage after miscarriage, and now here we are. I made a deal with myself, if I got to the point I would soon deliver a baby - - I'm now nearly 34 weeks - - I promised myself I would spring clean and prepare just like I would with any other baby. I'm forcing myself to keep that promise, but it's really hard. I find myself choking up just writing about it. I'm cleaning out the dust, items we don't need, scrubbing stains off the walls, and the little messes here and there, and it feels like I am doing that same thing with my emotions. Some how I have to get to the point that I will allow myself to move forward with the new baby, with the renewed belief that things can be ok. I sat down in the bathroom and started pulling things off of the shelf, and I started to feel the tears well up in my eyes. I had a box of nursing pads - two years old, that I still had to wear after my dead baby. There they sat, covered in a layer of dust, but I hadn't ever been able to throw those out yet. I find myself having flash backs to those moments soon after Isaac died, sitting in my bathroom, caring for my wounds.... my milk still came in, I still had a 10 inch cut from yet another c section, I still was bleeding like I had a new baby to tend. But I didn't. I had to bury my baby. I combined the left over nursing pads with the new shiny box I just bought and tucked them back on the shelf. A new box. A new start. I have had the same spritz bottle from the hospital from Isaac for 2 years now. That's another silly thing I've held on to. I took care of my wounds with that same bottle after Issac died, and I took care of my wounds with each of the three miscarriages after him. That bottle I decided to keep. Like just in case the hospital does not give me a new one. This bottle is trusty, it's worked through some hard times, so why now?? Some emotional habits die hard, I guess. And then onto the diapers...... I carefully packed the diaper bag today, and set diapers and wipes out in convenient places where I would be tending to the baby after we come home. I held that little diaper in my hands, and ran my fingers across them. Isaac was so tiny. I changed his diaper only one time. His sweet little body was so perfect - - even his little rear. I remembered Andrew and I laughing over each of our children's bottoms. There is something about baby's butts that are so perfect and cute.... I wish I had been able to change hundreds of diapers for him. I cringed as I put the diapers out where I needed them.... I just couldn't bear the thought of not being able to use the diapers again. This time has to be different, right??

Anyways, back to work, I guess. I've been having a lot of days where I'm barfy all day long, with no energy. I've got to make the best of the days I feel good, and take it easy on the days I don't. I think working from home full time, plus being a stay at home mother at the same time has really worn me out. Not to mention to hormones and emotions.....

So. Did you ever feel the same way, preparing for a new baby after losing one?


xoxo Misty

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

What the....

I am nearly 30 weeks pregnant, and every day I try to imagine what it will be like to have a new baby at home, and I just can't wrap my mind around it. Every single day I've just been trying to get through. Get through the day, the worry, the fear, the wonder of it all. How does it go so right, after going so wrong? I try to calm the children's fears about death, I try to join in their excitement, I try to enjoy where I'm at, and what my body is accomplishing every day. I'm finding solace at home now. Church has become hard again. I'm happy to keep to myself and not think about the abundance of pregnant women that live around me. I look at them while they are looking forward to their babies with a certainty that theirs will live. How do you relate to a woman like that, when you know that is not the truth. Some say "have faith". Faith to me is believing in the plan God has placed into motion. Faith to me is believing what ever is meant to come to pass, will. And what ever that is, somehow we'll be ok. Faith to me is not counting on getting what I want, that has not been the case so many times over in my life. I have faith that I can get through. And no matter what, this child I am growing is glorious and amazing and I cannot wait to meet him, hold him, clutch him to me, and thank my lucky stars that God chose me to be his mother. I try to imagine it, but somehow I know it will be something more than I could ever hope for or think of. (HUGE *sigh*)

Now on to different related drama. I had a weird experience come my way. A family member sent out a contact list that included my biological mother's phone number. I'm getting too old to end up in the fetal position when I receive news of her, but it's my brain's way of protecting me. I talk about her once in a great while, but really - - this is one of my life long hurts that I have not found a way to heal yet. She left me. She left my siblings. My father left us. He gave us away for a woman. They CHOSE, and that choice did not include me. My heart is so tender in that way. I keep those emotions shut up in a tiny little box. I like to think I have control over when I open and close it, but this family member blew the lid off. For now, I've stuffed that issue back in, currently growing the baby is all I can work on....

And to top it off, one of my siblings took this information, among other private conversations (I HUGELY suspect), to an Aunt I have been estranged from since before Isaac's birth and death. My Aunt, I felt like, was at least warming to the idea of communicating with me, has now BLOCKED my phone numbers again. The more I think about it, the more I feel secure in my decision to keep my biological family at arm's length. There is no trust, no relationship that is solid, outside of the relationship I have built with my grandparents. I feel spent, and I feel done. Plain old DONE. I have enough shit on my plate to deal with all the baggage that continues to accompany nearly all family relationships I have. Some things our Maker is just going to have to work out, because 30 years hasn't been long enough for me to conquer that challenge yet. Oh well, I guess, life keeps moving on......

Anyways, friends - - all my love, for now.

Until next time,

xoxo Misty

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Happy Birthday Precious Boy.



My Sweet Boy,

This must be what heaven looks like. This must be what you live now, what your reality must be. You are a perfect soul, living in a perfect heavenly realm.

Happiest heavenly birthday sweet baby. How blessed we are to have been able to claim you for our family. We are so thankful God gave us you, even if only for a short time.

We know you live on, we feel your spirit in and around our family often. We know heaven exists. We know you are serving the Lord in a most valiant way. We wish you your happiest birthday yet, and know that we'll be celebrating you especially tomorrow.


Love,

Your Adoring Family

Monday, April 4, 2011

BOYS all around!

Hey Ya'll!

It's been quite a ride as of late. My pregnancy is sailing along, but the fear attached to this pregnancy is unreal. The bereavement team assigned to our family, months ago, told me my subsequent pregnancy after Isaac would be hell. It's not that there is no excitement and dreaming attached, but that there is an abnormal amount of fear attached as well. We all fear going through losing a newborn ONCE, the fear of doing it AGAIN is consuming. And not only that - - my husband worries, my kids worry. Everyone worries. We want this baby so badly, could be live through losing another? I envy women, and actually my own self - - pre being a mother to a dead child. Pregnancy was for the most part easy and worry free. Nothing bad could happen to me, right??

I have been spending a lot of time communicating with Heavenly Father. I surely cannot make these thoughts go away on my own, I need Him to help reassure me. I'm trying to think positive and focus on the GOOD. I'm enjoy feeling the baby bumble around, and although frightening, I am shopping at my heart's desire for this little one. It's the little things - - - I was able to buy baby shampoo and bubble bath for this baby. I was distraught when I knew Isaac would not need them. I'm able to price diapers and formula and look at outfits knowing I should not be burying this child. Shopping for Isaac's funeral was heart wrenching. I cannot describe the heartache. We've bought a pack n play and new stroller and car seat - - all those things we has for Isaac we got rid of. I'm trying to enjoy as much as I possibly can this time around, we never know what is around the corner. I promised myself this one time I would do what I wanted, shop how I wanted, prepare how I wanted - - if only I got one more chance. And I have that chance now. I need to make the most of it.

Our anatomy scan went well. I was very distressed going into it. It was at the same office, same room, with the same tech when I found out Isaac would die. This baby is perfectly healthy, and he's a BOY. Another baby boy for our family. Ian is so thrilled to be having another brother. It hurt him so badly to have a brother die. I would say he is the most excited! Ian reacted the most outwardly when Isaac died. He had nightmares before his birth, being fearful the baby would die before he could meet him. The crib in his room came down, because it caused him panic attacks. He acted out in school. He was so heart broken. He is my very most tender hearted child, and it was overwhelming to deliver good news to him. He and I both cried over that. What a blessing this sweet babe will be to our family, we are so thankful.

Anyways - 23 weeks along and counting.

Till next time,

Misty

Friday, February 25, 2011

Head 'em up, move 'em out.

After months of going back and forth between my more public blog and more private blog, I've decided I'm ready to end up back here, to share a little more openly again.

I've gone back and forth many times, trying to decide when I was ready to share, because I know (FULLY) that there are some people that read here, that I really don't like. Those are people who I have ended relationships with, for various reasons, and I have never liked the idea of them still reading about my life. But, you know how the internet is - - people getting up in your business, that I wouldn't even share a tissue with, but such is life. I'll find a way to get over it. You know who you are, anyway.

You may have guessed by now what I was going to share, so to avoid chickening out, I'll just type it: I'm PREGNANT! I'll be 18 weeks along on Monday, and I have been elated, and frightened, and worried, every single day since I found out in November. Just today, I was thinking about my 20 week appointment on March 14th, and I started to think about what I would do if they didn't find a heartbeat. I mean. I got one last time, but that excitement has since worn out, so what happens if something bad happens now??? It's a fine dance of being so excited at the idea of a newborn babe, with the slap of terror that I might not get my dream come true. The death of a newborn and miscarriages after.... they kind of ruin the idea of pregnancy bliss, ya know? Kind of puts a huge mote in between the ignorantly blissful and the horrifyingly bereaved. Make sense?

So, here's the thing. If you know me, and I have not spoken to you about being pregnant, I won't, not until it's on my terms. I'll deny deny deny until I'm brave enough to chit chat about it. So just pretend this still is a secret, and that way we can avoid awkward conversations, lets say, if I run into you at church........ fair warning, right??

And, just like my kids do - - pray my baby has all it's parts, and is born living. The kind of healthy that lets you bring the baby home, not the kind of dead that makes you bury them into the ground. So far, so good, though - - I'm trying to focus on that.


xoxo Misty

Monday, January 31, 2011

Mindless.

I took the children to church yesterday, and it went well, for the most part. I find myself often seated close by where a couple comes in late with a new baby boy, who is probably 8 weeks old. He's beautiful. And so immensely sweet. He reminds me of my own boys at that age. I wish I could scoop him up and cry over all that I lost with my Isaac, but instead I find myself squirming in my seat, and wishing I could run out of church. Because really, I know in my mind that is unacceptable behavior, but my heart just still cannot help it.

And then there was the second speaker yesterday. A young man in his mid thirties, he has 4 children, with one on the way. His wife has never miscarried or ever had a pregnancy or infant loss of any sort. I appreciated the spirit in which his message was delivered, but I would have liked to have argued my point. He started his talk off about prayer and faith. He talked about not being prideful, and he spoke about service. He ended his talk with a story about a woman with children, who was fleeing her native land. Through her journey, each and everyone of her children died. Each grave was dug with a spoon, which was all the woman had in her possession. Her last child that died, was a baby. The woman had lost her spoon, and had to dig her last baby's grave with her fingers, in the frozen ground. The story ended with the woman finding strength in Christ when she knew she had lost all that she had. God bore her up. I get the story, and the point. But the thing that bothered me was when the speaker said that no matter how large our trials are, there is always someone who has it worse. That someone suffers more, that it can get worse. But what comfort does that give to a grieving parent, who feels like it CANNOT get worse? That they truly have been pushed to the breaking point? That they feel like they gave the ultimate sacrifice, in accepting God's will for the deceased child? I have suffered many things. I suffered not having enough to eat as a child, we stole food to eat. We didn't have beds, or enough clothing. My mother turned tricks in Alaska when my father left us. We were not safe. We were molested. When my father had another chance to raise us, he bailed on us, giving us to his best friend, who turned out to be a child molester. My mother had another chance, too, she ran away in the middle of the night. We were adopted by parents who failed. By a man whose life was run by an abusive and dominant woman. She beat us up. They gave us no freedom. We had no toys, no tv, no phone, we could not have friends or play outside. We were told we were trash on a regular basis, and that she hated us. I have struggled my entire adult life to rise above the start I had in life. I have very few family relationships. I'm screwed up. I have been so fortunate to be married, but my husband also has a chronic disease. WE KNOW SUFFERING. For us, it really can't get much worse. We'd have to lose a grown child, or Andrew and I would have to lose each other. So while other people HAVE worse trials, and we have so MUCH to be thankful for, I've had a shitload of trials to get through during my life time, too. Preaching to someone that it can get worse. NO SHIT. I fear that the most, when I have already suffered more than most people understand.

And the thing that made me the saddest? When we were leaving my son turned to me and said: "Mama, who tells stories like that in front of a family that has a dead brother?? It made me really sad." And I told him, while trying NOT to cry, that the man really didn't understand. That if he knew it would hurt us, he would not have told the story. And that's really the truth of the matter. People don't know what it's like. They don't know what it's like to have a body go limp in your arms, and feel the chilling sting of a dead body. They don't understand the trauma and the places your mind goes to. They didn't know while telling that story that my children and I were thrown back to that moment when we lived that, too.

I wish people weren't so mindless, or perhaps even had just a little bit bigger of a heart.

One Sunday down, so many more to go.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Crass.

Well, Friends, I was able to drag my butt back to church yesterday. And it went ok. There were a lot of friendly faces, and then there were a lot of faces I would have loved to have NOT seen. There were your normal crass jokes and comments about pregnancy - - people who take it for granted think it's funny to make poor tasting jokes. And then the gossip. The who is pregnant and who is not. The gossip about who is making it clear they are not happy to be pregnant, which, to me, is a total insult to my sensitivities, not to mention mocking the God given blessing and opportunity to grow a baby and your family. (good run on sentence right there) Parenting is hard - pretty much. Young children are hard - pretty much. Life is hard - pretty much. I find it so offensive to listen to people bitch about motherhood and pregnancy. I find all it demonstrates is selfishness and taking your life and family for granted. I bet if one of those women had a dead baby or a deformed baby, they might think twice about it. And I really feel badly for the MANY women who have lost pregnancies, or babies, or can't even conceive in the first place. They sit there, church meeting after church meeting, and have to listen to that crap. It drives me nearly mad. I find that church caters to the blissful side of believing in a God and Savior. The focus is on miracles and answered prayer. There is not a lot of support for those who are struggling, for those that need baring up. There's a whole lot of social jibber jabber going on, and not a lot of paying attention to the true message of the gospel. You know, the part where we're supposed to learn to live more like Jesus. Whatever. People just don't get it. They know not what they do.

The children really enjoyed their primary classes (Sunday school). Olivia did really well, although was frustrated she did not know many of the songs the kids were singing. Hannah had a lot of school friends in her class - - she sure is growing into such a young lady. And Ian liked his class, although he seems a little more shy about it. The kids came home with good attitudes, and I feel accomplished that I did this HARD thing! And we'll go back next Sunday, and hopefully again and again. I think I can do this. I know I can, thick skin forming along the way.

My week is the normal busy busy. Work, clean, cook, parent - - rinse, repeat. Over and over again. I may have lost a baby, but all the dreams I had as a child for my life have come true. To be a mother. To be married to a good man. To have my own home. To have freedom and peace in my life. Praise God for those blessings, I am truly grateful.

For now we keep on living. Living with most of my family with me, and part of my family missing. My children are loved, and Isaac is loved and remembered. I am, at the very least, thankful to know where he is.


Until next time.

Misty

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Resolute.

I'm not a New Years resolution kind of girl. Mainly because I break them all before January 1st is even over. This year I've been reflecting on some changes I'd like to make, though, without the added pressure of calling them resolutions.

My goal this year is to be more present in my life. The last two years of repetitive losses has been extremely hard on me, I really cannot explain it. I've been alive, but not living as well as I would like to. While I have gotten into the swing of day to day life having a dead baby, and failing at pregnancy, I want to be a better mother, I KNOW I need to be a better mother. A better wife. A better friend. I want to invest more into living without worrying if I'll lose out again. I want to be a better me. More fully available to those I love. It's time to re-enter the land of the TRULY living.

I've decided to accept the things about me that make me ME, without worrying if someone else understands. I am OK being apart of the NIELSON family - - the "anti-social family". I love my family. I love our extremely private life. I love life without feeling obligated to make someone else approve. I don't care if I don't fit in. I don't feel pressure to be part of the mold other people want to squish me into. I know who I am, I'm OK with it. I'm good with the few friends I have, I don't feel like I need to get into the rat race and try to be liked by everyone. It's not my style, and it's a waste of time. People that over extend themselves in human relationships are excusing themselves from really truly getting to know someone well, well enough to be a really good friend with them. I'll take my one or two friends over a handful of acquaintances any day. Lesson learned. I ended some friendships last year that needed to be ended. It was a long time coming. I learned to trust more fully in my gut feelings. These relationships we not good fits for me, but got beaten to death over and over again. Too exhausting. Too much drama and emotional baggage. I am glad to be done.

I want to help my family grow in the gospel this year. Which means a more concentrated effort in providing a peaceful environment in my home. It means more patience, more love, more time for teaching. It means watching my mouth and attitude. It means daily prayer and scripture reading. It means (dreaded) church attendance. Those are all things that are essential to the well being of our family. This is our year. Our year to get back into the game. It's time, even if it's something that is hard for me.

So, tell me. Where are you at? What is important to you this year?

Here's to 2011. Here's to having the faith to BELIEVE blessings are coming our way.

If you're aware of my secret blog, follow me over there. We have more to talk about.



Love, Misty