Monday, January 25, 2010
My Jesus, my Savior
Lord there is none like You
All of my days
I want to praise
the wonders of Your
My comfort, my shelter
tower of refuge and strength
Let every breath
all that I am
Never cease to worship You
Shout to the Lord
all the earth let us sing
power and majesty praise to the King
Mountains bow down
and the seas will roar
at the sound of Your Name
I sing for joy
at the work of Your hand
Forever I'll love You
forever I'll stand
Nothing compares to the promise I have in You....
Isn't this what it's about, my sweet friends? "Shout to the Lord, all the earth let us sing: power and majesty praise to The King."? I have been sitting here for about an hour. Listening to these words, soaking them in. I won't deny that God and I have had a strained relationship as of late, that Jesus and I are working out a few kinks.... I can admit that. And as I admit that, I can also say, I'm not weak, I'm human. I have feelings. My heart has been broken in new ways the last year. I'm doing my personal best to work that out.
I listened to these words many years ago, a girl, living in a home where there was no love. Where there was abuse - emotional, verbal, physical. Where there was harshness and no joy. Where there was pain. I struggled years to understand that, I STILL struggle to understand. I'm still working THAT out.
Although I may not always understand my Father in Heaven, and although I may not understand my Savior, I LOVE them. I worship Them, I take refuge in Their ability to see me though this chapter of my life. I have faith that brighter days are ahead, and that my most sincere and worthy desires will come to pass, that there will be more joy in our family, that I will bare more children.
Brighter days are ahead friends, even if for now, the days seem dark, and the nights are long.
"My comfort, my shelter - tower of refuge and strength, let every breath, all that I am, never cease to worship You.".
Monday, January 18, 2010
It’s been an “interesting” few weeks. It’s a long road, to say the least, navigating the road of infant loss. It’s an even longer road to navigate when you have a miscarriage after infant loss. People say they can’t imagine. They’re right. You can’t really. You really, really cannot imagine what it does to a person. And yet, I manage, to strap this new loss under my belt, and continue on to manage my daily responsibilities.
Miscarriage. A “normal” loss most women experience if they have had several pregnancies, where fertility and genetics aren’t to blame, something just didn’t go right. That’s my doctor’s way of saying not to worry - - my fertility is intact, my genetics aren’t screwed up, it’s bound to happen, this is my 5th pregnancy. I have to wonder though, what is God’s plan for me? For my family? I understand that my growing family will expand as He wills, and in His timing. I trust in that. Andrew and I have prayed in secret, and prayed together. I have pleaded for the quiet whisperings of the Spirit to lead me in the right direction. Do we try again right away after we have my OB’s ok, or do we wait? I’m listening. I’m willing to follow His guidance and path for myself. I feel thankful that I have been given those answers. I don’t know what the outcome will be in the future, but I have been given hope. And given confidence in following God’s plan for our family, whether family or friends understand or agree. It’s truly between me and my Lord.
I have spent the last few weeks reflecting on my friendships and what roles they play in my life. I have thought about what my needs are as a woman whom is seeking certain values in friendship. I have thought about who I can truly lean on, trust in. I have thought about who my secrets are safe with, and who they are not. I’ve let some friendships fade away, while grabbing more tightly onto others. I feel thankful to have a small circle of women around me that have the ability to love me, my faults, my short comings, my bad days, while loving me for the good qualities I possess as well. I’m ok with where I’m at, and I’m ok with the short list of friends I keep.
I think about Spring and Summer coming along in a few months. I think about getting pregnant again, and the dreams attached to that. I have a dream for my garden this year, and a dream for new rose bushes, and hot summer days at the pool. I dream about shooting hoops with the kids and playing tag and hide-n-seek. Summer is a carefree time for my family. I look forward to those days that are around the corner. We need them. We need another summer with few rules, and no schedules, and lots of laughter and love.
My days are busy, as many of you can appreciate. Being a stay-at-home-mom while contracting work out in internet marketing/website promotion, managing a household, and the cooking and cleaning and the laundry and bills and focusing on nurturing my marriage….. We’re doing ok. We’re getting done what needs to get done with a lot of love and laughter along the way. We’ve been setting goals for our family weekly – this week we are focusing on reading 5 verses from the scriptures daily. I’ve struggled with church attendance for many months now. For many reasons. God and I have a strained relationship right now. We talk, we don’t talk. I do my best to obey, but fall short in many ways. I’m trying to work this one out.
My bleeding from the D&C has slowed down, I’d classify it more as “spotting”. I’m ready to be done with that part. Ready to be done with the reminder I see many times a day. I’m ready to move forward to watch for a fresh start and to watch and see what my body does. I have a 2 week check up coming shortly, and then I wait for 2 hearty periods, and then we move forward. Move forward with faith. And with a dream.
Dream with me, won’t you?
Friday, January 8, 2010
I miscarried this week. I had a D&C done yesterday to clear out the remaining tissue my body wasn't wanting to give up. Details at a later date, feeling a little rough and empty right now. I was relieved to find out there was no abnormal tissue, and that this was my first "complication" that doesn't come attached with insane odds. My OB sees a miscarriage 1 out of every 6 pregnancies, where he's only seen Anencephaly TWICE in 25 years, Isaac was the second. This was just one of those things - - many, many women have miscarriages, and nature came through when something did not connect right. We'll rest, and try again down the road. Doctor said all my labs and vitals are excellent. What a hard knock though.... I mean... really........