I was writing this comment this evening, and I felt the tears come. For the light hearted, over look the language.
"You know. I always hate those words "Look you've won, you've stopped the cycle". You know why? Because breaking the chains of abuse, the cycle that is intent on patterning on is a LIFE LONG, EVERY SINGLE FU**ING DAY effort. Some days I fall into bed and think how I f**ked the day up. Some days I fall into bed because I'm proud of what I've done and given my children. Some days I fall into bed and I wonder if it's possible to be whole again. Some days I fall into bed and my whole body heaves with tears. Some days are bad for me. Some days I'm not good for the kids. It's when the GOOD out weighs the bad that I KNOW I'm progressing, making a better life for my children, and my self. Life moves on, but let me tell you, it is a LIFE LONG EFFORT. "
It's days like this, that I have to sit myself down and really re-evaluate myself, and ponder the changes I need to stir with in myself, that would make for more successful days. I think about how my patience could stand lengthening. That my words could handle being softened. I think about how I should show my children more love. That I should touch them, hold them, play with them - especially the older two. I remind myself they still need that. I think about how I should be less quick to anger, that I should be more kind in my scolding. I remind myself I need to be more playful, more fun, more adventurous. After all, these days will pass too quickly. It's days like these that I feel like I've failed miserably, that I should wake the kids up right NOW and apologize. I didn't apologize today. I'm too tired, I'm too exhausted. And yet, I should have found it with in myself to make things right. There stands, in my home, a need of a more Christ like atmosphere. I used to play the hymns quietly. When did I last grab my scriptures? Prayer, what's that? All I know is I stand to be a bit stronger when I have the Right players in my court, on my team.
Tomorrow's a new day. New beginnings, new adventures. Let's see what good I can do today. It's days like these that I remind myself that it IS possible to change. It is essential to my existence as a human being to keep moving forward, rolling on with the resolve that with each chain, no matter how small, can amount to a huge victory.