Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Plug your ears.

I was writing this comment this evening, and I felt the tears come. For the light hearted, over look the language.

"You know. I always hate those words "Look you've won, you've stopped the cycle". You know why? Because breaking the chains of abuse, the cycle that is intent on patterning on is a LIFE LONG, EVERY SINGLE FU**ING DAY effort. Some days I fall into bed and think how I f**ked the day up. Some days I fall into bed because I'm proud of what I've done and given my children. Some days I fall into bed and I wonder if it's possible to be whole again. Some days I fall into bed and my whole body heaves with tears. Some days are bad for me. Some days I'm not good for the kids. It's when the GOOD out weighs the bad that I KNOW I'm progressing, making a better life for my children, and my self. Life moves on, but let me tell you, it is a LIFE LONG EFFORT. "

It's days like this, that I have to sit myself down and really re-evaluate myself, and ponder the changes I need to stir with in myself, that would make for more successful days. I think about how my patience could stand lengthening. That my words could handle being softened. I think about how I should show my children more love. That I should touch them, hold them, play with them - especially the older two. I remind myself they still need that. I think about how I should be less quick to anger, that I should be more kind in my scolding. I remind myself I need to be more playful, more fun, more adventurous. After all, these days will pass too quickly. It's days like these that I feel like I've failed miserably, that I should wake the kids up right NOW and apologize. I didn't apologize today. I'm too tired, I'm too exhausted. And yet, I should have found it with in myself to make things right. There stands, in my home, a need of a more Christ like atmosphere. I used to play the hymns quietly. When did I last grab my scriptures? Prayer, what's that? All I know is I stand to be a bit stronger when I have the Right players in my court, on my team.

Tomorrow's a new day. New beginnings, new adventures. Let's see what good I can do today. It's days like these that I remind myself that it IS possible to change. It is essential to my existence as a human being to keep moving forward, rolling on with the resolve that with each chain, no matter how small, can amount to a huge victory.


Marie said...

Thank God for new days and new beginnings. Don't beat yourself up too much Misty. Just vow to do better next time. I know you love your kids and so do they . . . in the scheme of things and the larger picture, that's really all that counts, is that they know they are loved. Everything else pales in comparison . . .

Mary said...

Misty,don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing good by them and you are making progress every day. You give them love. The scolding, the quick patience, etc. etc.........as parents we all have days like that. It doesn't mean we don't love them any less.
Here's to a new day :) I hope you enjoy it :)

linda said...

Thank goodness for new days because we've all have had days that we should have apologized...and didn't...and yet they forgive!

Parenting is the hardest job EVER...and you take it very seriously. That alone is proof that you have and are healing daily.

Your feelings are normal and we've all had them...but thank goodness God gives us another day, and another, and another!

Klin said...

Well said. Tomorrow is a new day.

Is this an answer to my question? I just wondered what it you do that helps you break that cycle. It is clear that you make every effort to enjoy your children. That's what they need. To be enjoyed.

Laski said...

I know where you are . . . I get it. And, I'm thinking you know that.

We're all working it out, aren't we?

So glad you're there :)

Mandi said...

Misty, I just want to come there and put my arms around you and hold you tight, you need to focus on how great you are - because my dear you are an amazing woman and all mothers know that some days are bad - really bad, and I have replayed so many conversations where I was quick in my response and think, Oh that was so awful how must she have been feeling (my children I mean), and I always try to go back and hug them and tell them why I did it, because they need to know that life is hard, motherhood is hard and unfortunately non of them came with a manual, and I really try to do the best I can, and I only hope and pray that will be enough.

I look at my eldest and think - shes almost 18 and cannot even fathom the idea that I will come home one day and she wont be there because she has moved out to have her own adventure, fortunately we have a wonderful relationship - volitile and very expressive sometimes when she is so pissed at me and her words heart my heart, I look at her and think (I can see so much of my own strength in her) and that I happy about, but words can hurt, so much.

I look at the pictures of your children on your blog and I see happy beautiful children, so you are doing the right thing.

Know that we all feel the way you have, so we will stand with you holding your hand and giving you a big hug when your day is just not quite right.

Hang in there babe - and know we care.

Luv M......xx

Lindsey said...

I think you need a hug.

Just yesterday, I had (what I call) a crying fit. I was not on my "mothering" skills. They were lacking. I felt like a failure and cried and cried and cried and cried. I guess I am such a control freak (b/c of my childhood) that I think that EVERY DAY must be a success. Isn't that ridiculous??? EVERYDAY can't be a success.

I am glad to read this post b/c you make me feel real. Thanks for your honesty. I have a hard time sharing such things on my blog and you allow me to comment and share my thoughts.

You are a great sounding board, sweet friend:)

Here's hoping today is a new and brighter day. Oh and you are so right, having God on your side makes all the difference:)

Kami said...

We all feel that way Misty, at least I know I do. I have a great Mom and she did her best but I find myself acting like she did when she wasn't at her best.

I hate it.

But today? Is a new day to try and be better.

Sometimes I fail miserably but sometimes, I do better.

It's a journey, not a destination.

Big hugs my friend!

Anna-borderline-bonkers-banana :) said...

Gosh Misty! You are so real, thank you!

I second what Kami said. I find that I too often fall into the same patterns my parents did and it wasn't abusive.
Your challenges are so great I can only admire you!

You are right about tomorrow, we can always try harder and it is a new beginning, a fresh start daily.

I need to remember that and remember to read and pray more. Seems when i do the balance in life feels more right and my tones change.
I better start now.

Hugs friend!

Are You Serious! said...

♡ You know what I SCREW up all the TIME!!! I don't know anyone that doesn't. We're all human. To add on everything else you've gone through to be where you are is a great thing. Even though you do have to work on it still, you're doing it! And for me I think that makes you pretty dang great!

Lara said...

A man that was close to my family recently passed away. He suffered much abuse at the hands of his father, and worked every single day of his life to break that cycle. He succeeded. He was one of the most wonderful people I have ever been blessed to know, and I have always hoped that I can be a parent as wonderful as he seemed to be.

What came out at his funeral though, was how hard it was for him to break the cycle. How he didn't think the Atonement was really for him and taking his hurt away. And he couldn't forgive himself for even struggling to be a good parent, if that makes sense.

You are wonderful. You are succeeding, but I don't doubt it is a difficult journey. You're an example to me. ((hugs))

Amy said...

Misty - you are human. We all make mistakes, and we all have "our days". Tomorrow is a new day! I wish you well.

just jamie said...

I love you Misty. That's all I need to say.

Bren's Life said...

I love your blog, I just read a few of your posts. I love how open & honest you are... I understand in some ways how you feel & can relate. You seem like such an amazing strong & incredible person. You are doing Great. Everyone has bad - horrible days. I fight depression & there are days that I feel like saying the samethings & just want to escape.. But we don't give up & we keep going.
Thank you for being you, for sharing & being honest. You have helped me...