Working it out.

I usually don't blog with lots of company, but I'm sitting here in my room, the kids on my bed, and my husband is trying to hook up one of his OLD SCHOOL Nintendos. My kids love it. I'm alive, I'm kicking, we're making the transition into a new schedule.

I've got some comments which have kind of puzzled me. Not blogging comments, but from friends or family. Ones that go a little like this: "I'm so glad you found work outside of the house. You must feel so much more fulfilled as a woman". You think? 'Cause I think not. This is a job. It's work. It's pooh. It's not fulfilling some "deep need" that I have as a woman. I HAVE my dream job. I'm a Mom. This is a little some thing on the side as a safety net. I can't say I enjoy it a whole lot, but the extra cash is good for my crew. The kids don't seem to mind, and I fully plan to keep my day job.... my day/afternoon/night gig as a mom. THAT is what I truly love. THAT is what fulfills me.


This is my bedroom slash office. This is where I blog, email, pay bills, plan our budget. This is where I work. I like my bedroom. It's simple and peaceful. I just happened to be spring cleaning this room when I got offered this little job. Yes. Still spring cleaning. Oh brother. That's all I have to say.


This is one of my best friends. She just turned 43, and we had a little par-tay at my house last week. We beat the living hell out of this pinata, and I insisted on taking a few gag pictures. This woman is a doll. She lives right across the street from me, and we adore each other. She adores my kids. We have each other's back. She rocks.

My night shift is starting. It's Olivia's bed time. Kill me now. Ok, it's not that bad. We've made excellent head way as of late. Nothing like being a little dramatic.

Is that so?

This is not an indication of how my day went, because it went quite well. But this is proof of the sibling wars that are waged in my home daily. Are you kidding me?

My most FANTASTIC news of all is that my sweet little Olivia Mae ONLY fussed - did not cry, did not barf, did not scream, did not bang her crib against the wall- she ONLY fussed to sleep tonight. And get this. It was only for a FEW minutes. She's asleep. Bless her sweet little heart. And mine, too. Because I know you know how terrific I am. *snort*

In the last couple days I have put in about 10 hours at my newly acquired (work from home) job. Hannah had a hard time with it today. Mainly because the bulk of my hours were done during the day, not in the evening like I had hoped. I decided that I would speak to the children about it to see where they were at. I also explained to the children that it was only this week that it would be hard on every one. Mainly because I'm training and on the phone, but feel confident that I'll be flying solo before too long. What I did feel good about today was the fact that I am able to break my hours up how ever I like. I'm able to work for an hour, then play with the kids. Work for an hour, fix lunch, play games. The best part of my day was when Olivia screamed into the phone that she pooped and needed her pants changed when I was speaking with one of my superiors.

And with that little tid bit, I'm off to shower and jump into bed. I put in my hours today - both on and off the clock. My marketing work is finished for the day, my house is clean, the kids are happy. I'll take the success when I can get it.

I do it for:

I do what I do, for my sweet children. I do what I do for Olivia because I love her. I love her smile, her spunk, her strong will, her sweet way.

I love this boy. I love Ian's sense of humor, his kind nature, his loving ways, and I love how affectionate he is.

I love Hannah. I love this little girl who is so grown up in so many ways. I love how she nurtures, how she wants to please, how she cares, and how kind and thoughtful she is. I love that she truly shows respect and empathy towards me.

I made it through the day. I made it though my meetings. I put in about 5.5 hours today. I did the dishes tonight, caught up on blogs and emails, and enjoyed some down time. Tomorrow is a new day of testing out a new schedule, but we're making do.

Olivia is getting there with her sleep training. When I said I'm "not a fan", that doesn't mean I think it's the wrong thing to do. Because I have, at some point, done so with all three of my children. It's a hard, hard, hard thing. But. With in a week, I'm done, and it's worth it. We're still progressing through ups and downs, but the end is in site. I hear you, though... I hear all those Mom's out there that have agreed with me that it is such a hard lesson to teach. Kids need their sleep. Mother's need their children to sleep. Siblings needs their younger brother's and sister's to sleep. So what ever you do, and how ever you make it work - - keep it up. We're all in this together. To those Mom's that don't know quite what to do about it yet - - time is the answer. In time you'll find what works, or in time you find a way to cope - no matter what your solution is.

Until later in the week.....

Period.

My week is off to an exciting, yet exhausting start, and it's only Tuesday, right?

I got a job yesterday. Not the kind paid with kisses and hugs, but a "real-live-pay-you-cash" gig. It's work from home. In internet marketing. All work done via email. The pay isn't astounding, but it's enough to make wiggle... or cart wheel.... room in our budget. I train tomorrow. I've committed to 15 hours a week. This is a huge thing for my family. Huge. Just what I've been waiting for. So, if I don't get FIRED during my first 2 week probation period, we'll throw a party. For real.

My child. My sweet Olivia is right in the middle of sleep training. Friends, I'm not a fan, but seriously, there is no other way. When she was sick, and vomiting several times a night, I stuck her in my bed. A huge no-no, I'm no dummy. Mainly because it's not worth the fall out, but I didn't know what to do. If she was in my bed and coughed so hard she vomited, I could catch the barf in a hand towel. No need for change of bedding, no need to a mid-night bath. She'd hurl, I'd catch it, we'd both go back to sleep.

Trouble is. Here we are now. Pretty much ALL better. But still not sleeping. We've tried a bunk bed in Hannah's room, a bunk bed in the nursery with Ian. I tried her taking a nap in my bed, I even set up a small tv with a dvd player so she could watch a movie to fall asleep. She's not having it. She's not taking naps. She's waking up all hours of the night crying to be in my bed. Last night I decided to revert to the last thing that I knew worked. She's back in her crib. We share a little rock-a-by time. She sleeps. Except now she cries. And cries. And cries. She is now officially asleep, it only took 1 hour, and we're off. Off to enjoy the peace and quiet. But. I hate it. I hate the crying. I hate her feeling desperate, but we have to do it. This child was born with health problems that lead to the need for consistent rest. We all need it. She needs it. I need it. The older kids need it so they may have a break during the day. I am going to keep reminding myself that in a few days this will all be worth it. And it will. This I know is the right thing to do, even if it's the most hard.

And. I got a period. The first one in like, 6 months? The great news is my body can still do it. The bad news is I feel like hell. The good news is I still plan to head for my fertility treatments, the bad news I pushed it back a few weeks. There's hope though. Hope that things are looking up and working right. It's time to move forward.

I'm flying by the seat of my pants these days. Still working on spring cleaning, still enjoying summer. Trying to catch up rest due to many many sleepless nights, and doing my best to read, even if I can't comment, on your blogs. When life settles down, I'll have more of a presence in this lovely blog world.

Until then.....

Get Your Cabin On.

I nearly deleted my last post. Second guessing myself for sharing too much. Second guessing the harshness of the language. I didn't though. I thought about it, and really. I cuss some times, maybe even more than sometimes. You can get off the floor now. I have a potty mouth. Stuck with me from my pre-good girl days. And honestly. Harsh words for a harsh life. Harsh reality. So girls. You've got me. The good, not so good, bad, beautiful, and ugly. Some times it slips out, and it fits. It fits the evil, hell, torment I lived through for years. I'll own my history and the poor language. Some days it just fits. It fits the fight I have to fight daily, it fits my anger, and frustration over the situation. It fits the un-fairness of it all, the wrong I have to undo, and the childhood I was robbed, the heartache I was handed.

But. I'm about more than just that. So. On a lighter (and more lovely) note:

We escaped to our family this week. Our trip was cut short due to sickness. We're going back this weekend, or maybe next week. It's ours to use when ever we like, barring no other family has made exclusive plans, which is rare that they have. It's my home away from home. My suto-Maine if you will. It's my escape.

After days - no joke - days and nights with about 2 hours of sleep each, I had a melt down, which you witnessed through an honest post, I decided it was time for a break. Time to focus on the fun. Focus on the kids. Focus on that it doesn't matter that we have no schedule right now. Time to focus on the fact that I don't have to (re) sleep train Olivia until a later date. She won't sleep in her bed now after days of being sick. Some days it's better for me to decide that it all just doesn't matter. The kids got the extra love and attention that I'm sure they needed, and I let my brain unwind. I had a chance to redeem myself as friend, playmate, and mother. Win win situation right there.

So, hang on to your seats, because I have pictures. Many pictures, but this likely is the only sneak peek of the cabin you'll get this summer. We go there often, I won't bore you with each trip. Over loaded? Skip this part.

But, if you are interested, let me sweep you away to the cabin with me, even if only through pictures.

Plug your ears.

I was writing this comment this evening, and I felt the tears come. For the light hearted, over look the language.

"You know. I always hate those words "Look you've won, you've stopped the cycle". You know why? Because breaking the chains of abuse, the cycle that is intent on patterning on is a LIFE LONG, EVERY SINGLE FU**ING DAY effort. Some days I fall into bed and think how I f**ked the day up. Some days I fall into bed because I'm proud of what I've done and given my children. Some days I fall into bed and I wonder if it's possible to be whole again. Some days I fall into bed and my whole body heaves with tears. Some days are bad for me. Some days I'm not good for the kids. It's when the GOOD out weighs the bad that I KNOW I'm progressing, making a better life for my children, and my self. Life moves on, but let me tell you, it is a LIFE LONG EFFORT. "

It's days like this, that I have to sit myself down and really re-evaluate myself, and ponder the changes I need to stir with in myself, that would make for more successful days. I think about how my patience could stand lengthening. That my words could handle being softened. I think about how I should show my children more love. That I should touch them, hold them, play with them - especially the older two. I remind myself they still need that. I think about how I should be less quick to anger, that I should be more kind in my scolding. I remind myself I need to be more playful, more fun, more adventurous. After all, these days will pass too quickly. It's days like these that I feel like I've failed miserably, that I should wake the kids up right NOW and apologize. I didn't apologize today. I'm too tired, I'm too exhausted. And yet, I should have found it with in myself to make things right. There stands, in my home, a need of a more Christ like atmosphere. I used to play the hymns quietly. When did I last grab my scriptures? Prayer, what's that? All I know is I stand to be a bit stronger when I have the Right players in my court, on my team.

Tomorrow's a new day. New beginnings, new adventures. Let's see what good I can do today. It's days like these that I remind myself that it IS possible to change. It is essential to my existence as a human being to keep moving forward, rolling on with the resolve that with each chain, no matter how small, can amount to a huge victory.

Out Sick.

It started the night of Hannah's birthday. I spent a lot of time feeling irritated that Olivia was so cranky. Was she over tired? Was she bored? Was she upset? WHAT was wrong with her? The next day I found out - - she was miserably sick. After about the 10th time of waking up that night, Andrew moved out, Olivia moved in. Here we are in the middle of the night, high fevers, watching Toy Story.

And as any good mother would do, I changed my bed into an infirmary. Throw ups, wretched coughs, ear infections, and diarrhea later, Olivia is still kicking. Last night was the first night since Wednesday that I have slept more then 2 hours. Olivia was up until midnight. Slept until 4am, then again until 10:30 this morning.

My only interruption besides the coughing-so-hard-it-makes-Olivia barf was this guy. Ian now has strep. Here is Ian today, trying to rest on the couch.


And last, but not least, is Hannah, who is well and could care less. Wish I could say that for myself.

Summer is in full swing and it is HOT. We have the keep the blinds drawn shut and the sun shades down so our AC can keep up. It's dark in the house, but I guess it's fitting since we're all just wading around in the............

I'm pushing loads of wash through the machine like there's no tomorrow, but hopefully in a day or two I'll be caught up and the babes will be feeling better. We have plans to go to the cabin again mid week, so at least we've got some thing to look forward to. Until then... wish us well...

It's not too late to get your "question and answer" in. I still have about half left to answer, so feel free to add to the madness!

You asked.

This is what I could come up for today. The questions have been a blast. I'll answer the rest soon.

Are you ready for this?

With which animal do you most identify?
A horse. I'm not kidding. And not because I like to eat like one. I used to ride horses summers. I loved the feeling of riding free, the wind in my hair. I loved the speed, the slight danger, the strength of the animal.

Where would you like to vacation (pretend money is no object)?
The beach. Not Maine, sorry friends. I would love to vacation on the beach, where the water is warm. I love to play in the sand, find shells, swim. I think my children would adore the time spent there as well.

If you could only give a five word or less description of yourself, what would it be?
Strong willed
Funny
Loyal
Honest
Loving


When was your last girlfriend lunch?
I think it was last week. Maybe the week before. Some weeks I get out once or twice, some weeks not at all. I'd come to another, if that's an invite.... (wink)

Where were you born?
Okinawa, Japan

What were you like in high school?
I would like to think that I was well-liked. I can't remember that I had many enemies, except the occasional girl that hated me because I was crushing on the same guy she was. I was best friends with my brother, he is 13 months younger, a grade behind me. I mainly was best friends with boys.... friends, crushes, pals, buddies..... all kind of mixed into one. I loved, and still do love my guys. I farted off in most classes. School was mainly fun to me, the social part of my existence, because my parents kept me locked up all the time. I skipped class from time to time. I smoked, don't anymore. I hated, and still do the taste of booze. Weed was my drug of choice, haven't touched the stuff in over 10 years. I was cute, thin, athletic, and was a flirt. I was a fun kid. I was guarded, because I couldn't share much about my family, but I loved the people I grew up with. It was a lot of fun for me.
I hated math and science. I was in musicals, choir, and the band. I played the clarinet. I played basketball for a year or two, and that's about it. I think.

What do you like to do in your spare time?
I love movies. I love to watch tv... mainly crime dramas. I love to shop, but don't a whole lot because money doesn't grow on trees. I love my girlfriends. I love to talk to on the phone. I blog. I organize. Those kinds of things, I suppose.

Entering eight years.

Today my oldest turns eight. Hannah is a vibrant, loving, nurturer. She is kind and thoughtful, loyal and sweet. She sings and dances, and has a delightful sense of humor. She is a doll in every way.

I took these pictures yesterday afternoon. She's lovely isn't she? Hannah is entering a bright eight year old's world, and I'm entering yet another year of motherhood. Which at this particular moment, I'm not too fond of, as Olivia is still fighting me tonight on bed time.

I remember being pregnant with Hannah and wanting so badly for her to be born. And, of course, she was, and I had no clue what I was doing.

I ended up having Hannah a few weeks early due to Toxemia. My blood pressure was very high and my kidneys started to shut down, my OB decided to induce me. I was in labor for 47 hours. My epidural didn't work most of the time, and I had an episiotomy from hell, cut from sea to shining sea, if you know what I mean. Hannah was too large to pass through the birth canal and got stuck on the way out. 2 nurses and my anesthesiologist took turns getting on top of me and rammed, yes rammed, Hannah out of my body. I remember pushing with all my might, nearly passing out. Hannah finally slipped out and was nearly dead. Earlier my OB had called in the neo-natal team so assistance was ready and waiting. My doctor held Hannah high in the air and she was dark blue and hung like a rag doll in his hands. I remember shrieking "what did you do to my baby?", as he passed the limp baby onto to the next set of hands. She failed her initial screenings for life, and was feverishly worked on. It was then that I heard the most beautiful sound I had ever listened to - the very most faint sound of a new born's cry. She had pulled through. She was bruised heavily, as was I, but we made it... the pair of us did. Andrew nearly passed out from all of the blood, but he soon recovered and jumped into fatherhood head first. A few days later my husband and I brought Hannah home, and this life, as we know it now began. I just cannot believe my good fortune and immeasurable blessing becoming a mother has brought to my life. I love my life's calling with all of my soul. I love my little Hannah, my other children, and the children I still hope to bear with every ounce of my being.

So here we are, still making it through this life together, my children, husband, and I. I love this little girl with all that I am. Happy Birthday, sweet Hannah. You've made my dream of becoming a mother come true. I am every thing with you.

From the house of....

In case you were wondering.... that would be pee. A diaper with leak control when your kid pees as much as the Hoover Damn holds? What ever. Not so much.

I'm alive. Kicking. Well. Busy. And hungry. Yes, hungry. I need to make myself some lunch.

Olivia is currently sleeping. We're having a bit of a go around with her as far as this new blissful summer schedule goes. She would like to omit nap time all together. Me? You've got to be kidding. After about an hour of bawling, she opted for nap time on my bed. I didn't let her screw around, either. A deal is a deal. No talking, no singing, no sitting up, no cuteness. Just sleep. I can handle that.

Tomorrow..... my BEAUTIFUL Hannah turns eight. Which means I officially need to get out of these jammies and get my butt into gear. When one of your BFFs calls and you tell them you've been farting around all day, it's time to switch to plan B, so here we go. We're having some favorite people over in the morning for a birthday breakfast. Favorite people over in the afternoon for a jaunt to the movie theater. And favorite people over in the evening for dinner and a little happy birthday-ing. I can smell fun in the air. Can't you? It's lovely.... or lover-ly, as I like to say.

Until my next post. Bring in on, Babes! Shoot me a comment and leave me a question for a little "q and a" action later in the week. Until then..... mounds of mushy loves headed your way.

Note to self.

Note to self. Always remember to change lint trap.

Laundry: too much time.
Chores: it'll all be there tomorrow.
Spontaneous mid-week trip to the cabin: priceless

I'll be catching up with you fine ladies over the weekend.

Puppy Love.

Could you ask for a better friend?

So far, So EXCELLENT!

We spent a lot of time this weekend working on the yard. The kids have a trampoline, a swing set, picnic table, basket ball hoop, chalk board, children's pool, and toys galore out back... just like I would have wanted as a kid. Our yard is just an extension of our home, and the children and I love to be outdoors together. My vegetable garden is almost in, and we were able to prune the shrubs and roses, Andrew sprayed for weeks and edged. We're almost finished.


Here are some pictures of the children I took of the weekend. Our summer is off to a lovely start. This week we're working on getting the house re-organized, laundry caught up, and a routine worked out. I have company coming this weekend.... a family of SEVEN from Idaho.... in our little house..... I LOVE it. We love the Montierth family, dearly, and I couldn't be more tickled at have friends come stay, whom I've claimed as family.




More soon. Thanks for looking.