I was privileged to be able to listen to some beautiful messages from our church leadership this weekend. Two in particular stood out to me - One on motherhood given by Elder Ballard and one on overcoming abuse, given by Elder Scott.
I've been reflecting on those words over the weekend, and I thought I would share. Once these talks are available online, I'm going to post them on my blog so you can read the full scoop.
Elder Scott spoke of abuse, all kinds, but mainly sexual abuse. His comments were directed mainly towards the ability to heal fully, through the power of the Atonement, provided to each of us in Christ. This...... This I fully agree with. I also felt satisfied in his realization in how mountainous this burden is to many, including myself. While I realize that full healing is attainable, the amount of work that it will take to achieve that goal is such a large task, I cannot even begin to express. I can only speak for myself, but it is some thing I have been working towards for years - and would imagine that I will continue to work on for years to come. I know the Lord is capable of stirring with in me a healing that in unimaginable, and I have felt that process in my life for years.
What struck me also about Elder Scott's words, was how clearly and beautifully he was able to describe the war with the adversary that takes place with in my soul. Never have I EVER felt such a war waged with in myself concerning breaking the cycle of abuse in my home, in my own life. I can truly say that it is the fight of my life. Not a single moment passes that I am not thinking about the choices I am making. Not a moment passes that I am not aware of my triumphs and failures. I cannot express the amount of self awareness and self control it takes to constantly be reminding myself of the woman I should be, the mother I want to be. The task is daunting, the task limitless.
The strongest words of encouragement I can give to any one in my shoes, and to myself, is to continue on to wage the war. Continue on to fight the good fight. Repent, and repent often. Mess up? Try again? Fall short? Stand back up, make it right, and keeping fighting. I often wonder if during this life time will I be able to mother in such a way that causes little distress to my children? Often times I find myself quick to anger, sharp in my words, hurtful or unrealistic in my approach to parenting, yet my mind is quick to remind me of the truth that lies deep with in me. I am fortunate to being able to speak to my children about my struggle with in. We have sobbed together, held each other, and promised to keep on towards the goal of a better tomorrow. They are loved. They are content. They are happy, excited, and valued in and for their lives. I truly wish that my children should never fear me, yet they see me fight often to stay in control, watch me hold my tongue, force myself to not yell, watch me walk away. They are witness to the battle that lies with in, and how hard I fight to make their lives safe and secure, some thing I never had, yet still long for. Some days I'm proud of my progress, some days I am miserable when I regress. Nothing has exhausted me more.
I wish with my whole heart that my effort is good enough. I truly can say that I cannot do more. I plead that my effort is worthy, that my children forgive me for my short comings, yet I am quick to make any wrong right. There is promise of a bright future ahead, and with the reminder that I am progressing with all that I am, I have to believe my family will triumph in the end. We will beat down the adversary with every chain we break, ever step of progress that is stepped, some times crawled in my home. The war wages on, and this one... this war, I am assured I will win.