Friday, April 4, 2008

Blabbing it out.

I got a phone call yesterday, and enjoyed catching up with this old friend. This friend, actually is one of my sister in laws that I have always admired and loved. The woman will tell you like it is. She gives advice which holds her honest opinion, and I always feel uplifted after each and every time I speak with her. She touched on some parts of my life that I needed reminding of.

She brought up the point that it must make me so proud to look around me and see this beautiful family I've created. I thought about that a lot yesterday. I can honestly say that I am proud and not only proud, but over joyed. I have three beautiful children, a treasured husband, and when I think about it - - all my dreams have come true. I have been so blessed and fortunate to have been created by Heavenly Father in a way that I am able to press on, and have been able to survive, and not only survive, but flourish. What a solid reminder to keep renewing my commitment to become this woman that I know that I can be.

We chatted about how hard the last year has been for me. And I explained some thing to her, which I think I've explain to you before, but I think I'll re-visit the subject. My children are growing.... happy in themselves and in our home. My children are currently ALL at ages that I have very vivid memories of. It stirs with in me my accounts of my life that cause me a lot of grief.

My little Olivia is two now. When my biological father decided to run off with some woman, he ditched us in a home of such filth, it almost makes me ill to recall. The adults of the home were nasty. Nasty in every since of the word. I was three, my brother was two, my sister four or five. I remember sleeping on the floor at night, huddled by my brother, over a heating vent because we were made to share a bed with a young child that peed the bed every night. The floor was better then being wet. I remember being hungry and cold. I remember wishing some one would come rescue me. I remember being molested. I remember being afraid and I remember my brother and I wishing to escape. I remember that when my grandparents immediately came to our aide, when they heard of the situation, I remember this man scooping me up to bid me fare well, and I remember very clearly thinking that I didn't want his hands on me, that he was a fraud, and that he was sick. I have never enjoyed a car ride more in my life, then that day when we drove away from that house.

My Ian is nearly six now. This is the age I was when my mother left in the middle of the night. It was around Easter, and also my birthday. And do you know it was only THIS year that I figured out why I hated my birthday so much?? Gosh, ya think? That time of year is tied around a lot of pain. I remember when she left us, I wished so for her to return. My heart ached. I remember being a young child at school and for the next couple years when ever I was asked to write about myself, I always wrote about how my mother ran away. I actually have some of those class assignments saved. I'm going to scan and post them at a later date.

And last, my Hannah is almost 8. At that age I found myself adopted into a family where I knew my new mother completely hated me. I remember that she was cold, and I remember crying often at night. I remember fear, yet of a different nature, and I remember feeling anguish because I missed my biological family so. I remember the first time my mother ever put her hands on me. We have lived in her home a year or more, and I had run outside to see who was driving down the drive way. For some reason that angered her, and I remember her coming into my bed room while I sat on the bed, and she grabbed the skin under my chin and the hair on top of my head and she pulled in opposite directions as hard as she could. Little did I know what I was to live for the next 10 years.

I look at my own children and I am more then grateful to realize that their life will not be as mine. I feel victorious that their childhood is happy, peaceful, and safe. Seeing how happy they are, reminds of that time, when I was a child, and was not. It makes me grieve for those lost years, it makes me angry of the unfairness of it all, and it makes my heartache being aware of how truly much I must have hurt. I am so thankful for the winds of change in my own life, that my children know not what I knew at such a young age.

I understand today how important it still is for me to continue sharing and healing. I realize how far I've come and how far I have yet to travel. And I will. I'll continue on, for days to come, down my less traveled road. Thank you for walking it with me.


just jamie said...

Oh MIsty. I had to read that slowly, between aches for you and your lost childhood, I read on. Because not only are you sharing your past here, but you are sharing your future.

I see these gorgeous faces peering from over on your side bar. Those faces are here, smiling brightly because of YOU.

I'm proud of you for taking this road, it can't be easy but you re gaining strength each time you look ahead. You are facing these awful moments and taking back the little girl who was stolen in that cold bedroom.

Always here for you.


Are You Serious! said...

♥ You're a remarkable woman! Your children are so cute!!! I love all those pictures on the side bar! And the quote under it is wonderful!

Rhonda said...

Congratulations on taking control of so much of your life. I LOVE your healthy, "in your face" attitude towards healing. Keep it up! Your family is beautiful and you are blessed with a true talent of motherhood and writing.

Lindsey said...

What a wonderful mother you are! I'm proud of you for breaking that vicious cycle. I am amazed at your strength, courage, and positive attitude. Let it out, sister, let it out!

Kami said...

You are so eloquent with your words Misty but yet the subject of which you speak breaks my heart. I am so happy that you are the woman you are, a lessor woman would not have perserved the way you have.

That is not to say your pain is any less... oh no, but that despite it you have gone on to create a wonderful loving family that is yours, and your alone.

Oh and your husband's too, we'll let him have some of the credit too!

Holly said...

I love the positive tone of this post. Even though you talk about horrible parts of your childhood, you recognize what you have now. You're truly amazing Misty. Your children are very blessed to have you as their mother.

Trish said...

I am amazed as I read this (with HUGE tears rolling down my face) at what you have overcome!

Children are supposed to learn everything they need to thrive in this world from their caretakers. Abusive parents and caregivers provide the opposite of what children need. Instead of teaching and nurturing growth, they distort and destroy and yet, here you are a great mother to your beautiful children, breaking the cycle! You have become a diamond under the extreme pressure of your past. Rare, strong and perfect! Never forget that! Stay strong, stay loving and be happy and proud of yourself!

Amy said...

Misy, you are winning. You epitomize success. I don't think I could ever say it better than Jamie and her mom. They said it so beautifully. It is is all true.

You are beautiful!

linda said...

You have such a way for describing things...I too had to read this very slowly, taking it all in and all the while feeling like I was right there with you at each step of the way.

You went through things that us moms can't ever imagine our children going through...and have spent all of our days making sure they never do...yet you've come through victorious. Your parents can never say that about their lives.

Who knows why you had to endure what you did...did God have you endure it in order to become the loving wife and mother that you are today? You will find out all of these answers and more when you stand before Him and he tells you..."well done my faithful servant." You will be blessed and you are blessed! are an inspiration to many of your readers and I would be so truly proud if you were my daughter!

Klin said...

Misty- this was a tough, yet healing post. Just this past week in a small group of young men we discussed the very thing you have portrayed.

"you can feel the punishment, but you can't commit the crime. . ." Howard Jones sang that in No One is to Blame. I was telling them that though they aren't accountable for everything that has happened to them and what influenced their decisions they are the ones who are responsible to fix the damage done.

Being a chain breaker is not easy. It is worth it.

My dad had a mental illness. I am far beyond any anger at this time in my life. I understand much of what you say. It is for this reason that I chose my profession.

I, too, love your quote by George Durrant. He's a great man, that my mom knew. She typed many of his books. Off the topic, I know.

The one thing I get from reading your blog is that they didn't win. You are stronger than them. They failed at destroying you. You will be the parent that you never had, the woman that they tried to suppress, and the person that they couldn't see and will not have the privilege of knowing.


Lara said...

I thought of you yesterday during Elder Scott's talk. I hope you were able to hear it.

Love ya!

Ashley said...

Life just does not seem fair at times. I wish I could hug the little you. No child deserves those things. I know the things I experienced that have been hard or hurtful would be so much worse if I found out they happened to my children. Your children are safe and happy and are very lucky to have a wonderful mom such as you.

I have a good life said...

Again, how sorry I am for you. What a hard life you have been forced to lead! Guess what, though...our kids are almost the exact same ages. That is really neat! :)

Anonymous said...

I am sorry. I don't know what else to say.....You didn't deserve any of it. No one does. I am aching for the little girl in you....