Sunday, April 19, 2009

Tinkering...

It's quiet in my home, and I'm up late tonight trying to re-design my own blog to incorporate my sweet little Isaac. Stay tuned for the end result.... which could take a little time.

It still feels like a dream, friends. I sit here sometimes and I think to myself that no one knows. No one knows I carried a baby nearly full term, and that he died in my arms 70 minutes later. I look at people I don't know, and I know they have no idea I am bleeding for a child whom I wasn't able to raise, that my milk is in my breast needlessly, that my c-section aches, but that there is no baby to care for. I have FOUR children, although strangers only see three. I want to scream to a passer-by that I just had a baby, and handed him back to GOD.... and now I want him back, for keeps.

I want to claim to the world that I am surviving this nightmare. That I feel alone. And lost. That my whole being aches for my child, whom thrives in the afterlife. But some how I still have faith in our Maker, our Savior. I still have hope for healthy little ones to fill my womb in the future, that I still believe God will make this right and help my heart and family to heal.

Some how it'll happen, too. This I know. For sure. With out a doubt. Some how........

26 comments:

Holly said...

We are doing the same thing so late! I just had Carleigh's page redesigned and I was just rearranging everything. I can't wait to see what you come up with!

Oh my gosh, Misty, I feel the same! I see people going about...just strangers...and I think to myself "they don't know". And I wish they knew! I wish they knew about my daughter and they journey we traveled together and they one I am still living. I want to scream sometimes "I just had a baby!" We will both make it through. It certainly won't be easy at times but God will get both you and me through it.

Lara said...

Hey, you did a great job! If you still want help I'm happy to give it, but I love what you did...it's really perfect.

I really can't imagine what life must be like for you after such a great loss. I think of you often and I really hope you're okay. Sending cyber hugs your way.

Debbie said...

I think of you daily and hope that you are recovering from your physical discomfort and hope that you are able to make peace with your soul. I love that you are trying to re-create your blog to include Isaac. Get some rest. I love you..Debbie (VVT)

Anonymous said...

Oh, Misty, I wish there was some way that I could come over and give you a hug! I know how you are feeling. When we lost my sister almost 4 years ago, it was the same way. It is painful giving up a child so young. Yet, I do believe God has a purpose for bringing us through these trials. It has really given us an understanding as to what other mom's/famlies have gone through or are going through. And it makes it so that we now know how to better reach out, how to pray...I guess in a way, it helped us to be able to reach out to those who are going through much the same thing that we did...people that we wouldn't have even known about...or knew how they were hurting. And by reaching out to others, it has brought a lot of healing to us, as well.
God will bring you through this trial, Misty and you will be all the stronger for it! I know it isn't easy, and the ache sometimes feels like it will be just too much for us to deal with. Yet, He is still there, still just as caring and loving, and we aren't going through this alone. He is there, He sees the pain that we are enduring.
Know that you are in my prayers and thoughts, daily. May God bring comfort to all of your hearts.
BTW- your site looks beautiful!!! I just love how you are changing it around! You had a beautiful son, Misty!

Alyson said...

I love the picture at the end.....the black and white one of Isaac.....His beautiful little eyes.....awwwwwwww......

You are an amazingly strong woman and Isaac was so blessed to have you carry him.....I'm sure he cherished every moment with you.....Just as you did him.....

Thank you for sharing your and Isaac's journey with everyone....

Blessings,

Alyson

http://wellensfamily.blogspot.com

Celia said...

Misty, I have no words....my heart aches with you. I feel the same way, looking at complete strangers and wanting to scream at them so that my journey is apparent to everyone. Sometimes I think about making a badge that I can wear on everything I own so that people will know....But it hurts to talk about and I can't handle the questions so I suffer in silence.

I wish I had some sort of magic solution to help you to feel better. I wish that for all of us who have traveled on this road. Something to make the pain less severe....but there is nothing beyond our faith in God and time. So that is what I will pray for you. God's perfect peace and time to heal.

I feel so inadequate leaving this here, these inefficient words. Just know that my heart truly aches with you and for you. Truly...

I love you...Please take care.
God bless..

Cheryl said...

You have been given so much to handle, you are so strong. Keep fighting.
You are making beautiful memories with your words and pictures, Thank you for sharing your life.
Hugs
Cheryl

Kikit said...

Time heals everything. No shortcuts. :)

Eliot's Mom said...

You are so strong and full of faith. And even though strangers don't know about your fourth and precious child, YOU know, and God knows, and plenty of people who love you know, and you're right, God will make it right. In the meantime, I know you ache for so many reasons. And it is senseless, or at least it feels that way now. I am so sorry for your pain and your loss. I am sorry that your body aches, that you feel alone. I am sorry to see your children and Andrew suffer. But I also felt great peace as I was in your home. You're doing great things. You ARE surviving this! And you're strengthening me and others as you do. Thank you for sharing. You're doing great good, even in the middle of your suffering. I love you.

Alicia said...

I'm praying for you and your family.

Debbie said...

Misty,
There are no words..... My heart is so sad for you.
You matter. Issac matters. He will never be forgotten.
Thank you again for sharing your life and your beautiful son with us.
Praying continually for you.
Debbie

Tiffany said...

Can I just say amen to everything you said. I want people to know and appreciate so badly that it hurts. You continue to be an amazing woman.

-Tiffany

Kat said...

My mom and dad lost their first child, my sister, when she was nine years old. My mom recalls leaving the hospital that day and watching people enjoying the sunshine, laughing and talking, going about their day as though nothing happened. She says she wanted to scream, "How can you? Don't you know that my whole world just ended??? Don't you know what happened???"
I just can't imagine. I don't know that time heals all wounds, but I do know that you will learn how to live and laugh again. There will be a new normal.
Continued prayers for you, Isaac, and your entire family.

Kami's Khlopchyk said...

My heart aches for you Misty. I can imagine wanting to scream what has happpened to the world, I can imagine. It's not fair that you and your family hurt so much while life goes on. But you are so very strong and you will carry your family through this..to what people have called a new normal.

My prayers are with you all as you grieve for that beautiful boy who will always be part of your family.

Nicole said...

Misty, its not fair at all. :( It hurts, it hurts bad.
((hugs))
Nicole

Whitney said...

I admire you so much. I cannot even claim to know how you are feeling-I can't even imagine the pain. You are amazing. Love-Whitney

debs said...

Hi Misty

I just wanted to say that im really thinking of you,words are hard to come by when you are faced with such a loss.

i just wanted you to know that after reading your blog i just think oyu have been so brave and baby Issac looked so beautiful - just like your other children.

Much love

Debs

just jamie said...

Your four children are all so entirely blessed to have you as a mama. I pray for your healing Misty, but I have to think that the ache will always be carried. Hoping that one day at a time, one minute at a time, you will find new joys...

Laski said...

I know that desire, that need to shout it out . . . to let the world know who he was, who you were, ARE.

I wish he were in your arms right now. But, I do know he is with you, forever . . .

I believe that.

I also know that there is much in store for you. Good things. Wonderful things.

As always, you're in my thoughts and prayers.

ww said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. You are not alone. My blog is www.survivingbaby.wordpress.com if you need to read and vent. My twin boys died a year ago.

Angela said...

My heart goes out to you, dear Sister. My the God of all hope and peace bring you much comfort in your time of grief. Your eternal outlook on this situation is encouraging.

Praying for you,
Angela

Avery Tales said...

I just found your blog through Dancing Barefoot. Please know that you're not alone. I know the unexplainable heartache of having a body that thinks it should be caring for a baby, but having no baby to care for. I remember trying to do everything in my power to stop the milk from coming in so that I didn't have to deal with the reality. I know. I've been there. You're not alone. I will pray for God's peace and grace.

Big Hugs,
Lurenda

Danny, Julie, Jack and Mari said...

This is the time that the peace that passes ALL understanding envelopes us. You or I can't explain the peace...it's just there, sitting silently with us.

My family also lost a little boy in the fall of 08. The smiles and joy and questions and frustrations that we see reflected in our children's faces are the reminders that somehow God is good all the time.

Peace to you and your family.

Sandi said...

Your post brought back to so much in an instant. The ache is like nothing else I have ever felt. It is so hard to feel the milk and have a body that physically longs to hold the baby. The drive is so strong. I remember walking out of the hospital when our son Jonah died shortly after birth 7 years ago, I had to carry my two year old becasue my body didn't want to move without someone to hold.
I still, 7 years later can struggle with answering the "how many kids question". That first year was the worst. It was so hard to watch everyone else's life go on as normal. Several months after were the hardest for me.
Thanks for sharing your heart, your story.....your son. He really is beautiful, as are your other children.

Katie said...

I don't know what to say. I've been following your blog for awhile and what God is doing in your life is absolutely breathtaking. I know He loves you, and I can just see Him holding and cuddling Isaac for you.

Amy said...

I know that feeling well. I felt like making a shirt that said, "I just had a baby and he died." I was so afraid to leave the house for the first few months (when you still look 6 months pregnant) and have someone ask me when I was due.

About three weeks after Nathaniel was born and died, my husband and I went to a Calgary Flames game. The first period was fun enough. During the second, the Flames scored two goal back to back and the crowd went nuts. I remember sitting there with tears in my eyes wondering what the heck I was doing there and why people thought a stupid hockey game was important enough to get so worked up about.

Didn't they know my baby just died?

Praying for you, Misty.

~Amy