It's quiet in my home, and I'm up late tonight trying to re-design my own blog to incorporate my sweet little Isaac. Stay tuned for the end result.... which could take a little time.
It still feels like a dream, friends. I sit here sometimes and I think to myself that no one knows. No one knows I carried a baby nearly full term, and that he died in my arms 70 minutes later. I look at people I don't know, and I know they have no idea I am bleeding for a child whom I wasn't able to raise, that my milk is in my breast needlessly, that my c-section aches, but that there is no baby to care for. I have FOUR children, although strangers only see three. I want to scream to a passer-by that I just had a baby, and handed him back to GOD.... and now I want him back, for keeps.
I want to claim to the world that I am surviving this nightmare. That I feel alone. And lost. That my whole being aches for my child, whom thrives in the afterlife. But some how I still have faith in our Maker, our Savior. I still have hope for healthy little ones to fill my womb in the future, that I still believe God will make this right and help my heart and family to heal.
Some how it'll happen, too. This I know. For sure. With out a doubt. Some how........