Friday, April 17, 2009

Helping your children heal.



As the days pass, losing the baby gets harder. Normal life is settling in, and the loss is more apparent. Nothing seems natural. I hurt, my kids hurt, my husband hurts. I'm moody, I don't feel well, my hernia hurts, I'm still water logged, and I just feed plain old mean. I've had a migraine for three days and I'm not sleeping well.

I was sorting through the baby's things this morning. Getting his memory box together. I came across a book the hospital sent home with us.... concerning all things grief and your children.

We are going to work on this today:

Make a notebook for your child to write or draw about how he or she is feeling. When your family talks about the person who died, get it out and make lists. These might be titled:

1. What I'd like to say to the person who died

2. Thing that make me sad/angry/scared/confused

3. People I can talk to about my grief

4. Questions I have about how the person died

5. Where I go to feel safe

6. Things I worry about

7. What I do to have fun

It has been a struggle for me to un-hook from my own feelings, and concentrate on the children. I'm here, but not really, if that makes any sense. I've been able to check in with the kids a few times a day to see where they are at with their feelings, and they come to me when they want to cry or share how they feel. It's a good start, but I need to do more.

So. Today. It's going to more about them, less about me. I'll let you know how it goes.

I'll be checking back in.....

26 comments:

Cheryl said...

That is a wonderful list of questions...
Healing takes time, I am thinking of you and hoping each new day gets a little bit better. Life will never be the same but a new "different"

Everytime I see your pictures I sob, Misty your kids are beautiful.
Take care

Alicia said...

What a beautiful post Misty. Your going to the emotions that they say is normal. My co-worker lost a child a few months ago and every single day is a struggle.

I pray for you and your family each day. Keep your head up sweetie.

Nicole said...

Misty, my son was 6 when Logan died. He loved to write letters to Logan and we would send them up in the sky with a balloon. I also took a teddy bear and dressed it in Logan's clothes for my son to have & he still sleeps with it every single night at almost 10 years old.

Its hard on the kids. Its hard on everyone else too. ((hugs))
~Nicole Mommy to Logan Quinn.

Amy said...

You inspire me to put my own kids first, too.

Avalon used to ask very often if her brain was going to stop working and become like Jacob's. I assured her it would not, but I was surprised how worried she was about that. She also asks how I know that her new baby sister's brain isn't "handicap". She loves to follow Embry's developmental progress along with the headings in the "What to Expect the First Year" book.

Lisa said...

I've been trying to "put myself in your shoes" you and all of the mommy's who've been dealing with the loss of their babies. It's not just emotional, it's physical too. Our bodies go through SO MUCH during pregnancy and I can't imagine struggling to heal and get "back to normal" when our little one isn't there. I SO APPRECIATE your honesty about the physical pains you are feeling too. Not only will I focus my prayers for your children but also for healing and strength for you physically as well.
And again, Isaac is the most beautfiul baby! I love the photos.

Klin said...

I specialize in grief and trauma. My skills are here at no charge. Let me know if I can help.

I have faith that if anyone could help your children heal you could. You know about grief and loss and have dealt with a lot.

My offer is only to ease your burden and give you a chance to grieve without worrying about your children.

You know how to reach me.

Holly said...

It seems weird....life just going on like normal. The notebook idea is a good one and I hope it helps. "I'm here, but not really." Makes perfect sense to me. I've felt that. What a great mommy you are, Misty.

Sailor and Co said...

You are a wonderful mommy....

ive found the best thing i can do when i am grumpy to the kids is to say i am sorry ...let them know you are hurt ask them to pray for you....

not that you didnt already know that ...reminders are nice.

Anonymous said...

While you take care of them, let your world help with you.

Love you.

-jamie

Anonymous said...

Misty dear, thanks for keeping us up to date on the reality of things in this difficult time. You're so wonderful to console others as well. I know you're drawing closer to the three at home in your arms and I hope you all find much comfort embracing each other.

May the Lord keep you close and strong enough to cry out for His touch.

Love in the Lord, Michal

Holly said...

I think the notebook and the questions are terrific. Several years after my dad died, I started a dad journal to record thoughts about him, memories, letters to him and even a very angry letter to God.

Grief is a process, there is no deadline or specific timeframe.

I can only imagine how you must be feeling. You're so wise to recognize your children's needs. One of my great failures as a mother is always putting my children first. You amaze me Misty. Truly.

debbie said...

Misty,
You are a wonderful mom. Your children are so precious.
I just want you to know I am praying and I think of you often everyday.
Debbie

Pokeyann said...

What a helpful notebook. You are the best mom! Love you!!!!!!

Kami's Khlopchyk said...

This must be so hard, you are dealing with your own grief and you still have to be there for your kids...I am sending you all the strength I can muster to help you out. I hope that with each day, you each heal a little bit.

May the grace of God be with you, ALWAYS.

I think of you often, thanks for posting an update.

Love you.
xoxoxoxox

Are You Serious! said...

Those are beautiful pictures!

Lara said...

You amaze me. YOu are such a great mother, and I am always impressed at how you put your kids first...even if it's so difficult for you now.

Seraphim said...

Grieving hurts. Healing hurts. Love hurts. I can only imagine how a combination of the three must be for you. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. If you have time, my friend Carly and I set up "Whispered Support." I hope it can help you in some small way. xxx

Laski said...

Misty--
I can't imagine. But, I do KNOW that you are a wonderful mother and while you are concerned with your children, you are entitled to have this time as well.

Though there is little that can ease the grief, seeing those beautiful faces will remind you of how much you are loved. How much you LOVE.

And know that there are so many of us out here who are here for you . . .

Kikit said...

It's always nice to get in touch with ourselves, our feelings. My hats off to you for teaching your kids how to do that. :) Keep loving :)

Melissa said...

I found your blog through Holly's - I find all of you mother's who have experienced this heartache so inspiring. I appreciate your quotes from the prophet's of the church - isn't it amazing how Heavenly Father can comfort so perfectly through them. Your family is lovely and it touches my heart and builds my testimony to know that we can all be together as families again.

The Girl Next Door said...

You are an amazing mother to all your children. I have never faced any significant challenges in my life and am continually blown away by the way you handle your grief, your life, your children.

God Bless.

Debbie said...

Misty, I am going through my own grief at the moment after losing my granddaughter a few days ago. I draw strength from your strength and today's post helped me out. Thank you for being so brave...I love you...Debbie (VVT)

Jason, as himself said...

I think you just voiced the hardest part. Being able to force yourself to function for the kids and not get swallowed up in your own grief.

My mother-in-law lost a young child and she completely shut down and shut out the other 5 kids for well over 10 years for all intents and purposes. Plus, they were forbidden to speak the child's name, or ever discuss him or his death. Horrible. Yet, I can see why she could get so overwhelmed.

It seems like you're going through those horribly difficult steps correctly.

Celia said...

Misty, those are great questions and great ideas on helping the children to cope with the loss of Isaac. I too have encouraged my children to write a letter to Noah. It is something I intend to do myself though am not sure if I will do it before he arrives or after.

You are so honest with your feelings and emotions. And you are fully entitled to feel as though you are "here but not here" I do so understand the desire to be more involved in the things around you and with your children but the sometimes inability of just lack of interest due to your grief.

I will continue to pray for you & your precious family.

Jessica Frederick said...

Misty, I was so happy to see such beautiful pictures of your family. Isaac is so beautifully precious.

My children are a little younger than yours, but I imagine you will learn the definition of bittersweet in much the same way I am. I have learned that my heart can sing and cry all in the same beat, just by the sweet/sorrowful comments they still make about Lily. I helped my older son to create a very small (and easy) scrapbook of Lily. He told me what to write on each page as well. It has been a helpful way for him to share her with his friends. Maybe an idea for you as well?

May God grant you peace and comfort as He holds you in the palm of His hand. I am so sorry for your aching heart.

Jessica

Tricia said...

Beautiful family.