Sunday, April 12, 2009

Feeling it.


This picture was hard to get. Olivia had had it by this point Wednesday evening, but I REALLY wanted a picture with ALL of my babies together. My husband did his best, and after a final edit from my girlfriend, this is what we have: A not so perfect picture, that is PERFECT to me.

Oh how I miss this little one. We're all struggling. This is a heartache that I have not felt before. I think of the years of abuse and abandonment we suffered as children. That heartache I felt for years compares nothing to how my heart ache now. I cannot even begin to explain the grief my body hurts with, and how I ache to be raising this child, loving him, and holding him. I fall asleep in tears, wake in tears. Yet some how, though this, I know we will come out better and more strong. I know the sacrifice I made for my God was complete and whole, and will not be forgotten.

There is so much to share. The funeral was lovely yesterday. There is a slide show I am working on. My childhood best friend is working on editing my favorites for me..... I have so much I want to write about. But, there isn't a lot of time right now. The children are home for the entire week... it's spring break now. My focus is on them, and helping their sweet little broken hearts heal. Oh the pain I feel watching my sweet children long for this child....

I'll be in touch as I can, and soon enough I'll be posting much, much more. I have a feeling writing may be one of the only ways for me to begin the healing process.

Thank you for listening, sweet friends. How I love you, and appreciate you. And to all that have written and commented... some time soon I'd be stopping by your blogs and getting to know you, too. Thank you for reaching out.

50 comments:

Mom Putnam said...

Misty, First, I have to say that Isaac is a beautiful baby. The picture of your family is perfect too.
I wanted to pass something on to you that my cousin wrote to Holly and myself during our grief with Carleigh. She said, "Grief is a journey (not a race) it doesn't play fair and it's not easy. Hold tight to your children and remember that Isaac is in His arms. It's a lifetime of healing that cannot be measured in weeks or months." How true it is and she has been on the journey, as she lost a son many years ago.
I am praying for you and your family for the strength to help you through your journey.
Linda

Holly said...

Thanks for checking in on me, Misty! Now I am checking in on you! :) The weekend was a tough one as Sat was 2 weeks since Carleigh's hello and goodbye but I am doing better now.

The picture of your family is perfect! I love it! We didn't get a lot of pictures with all of us as Kyndra was cranky from the mix-up in her schedule but I don't blame her. She was really good for the most part. But I do cherish the ones we have. What a sweet picture of Isaac. I just want to caress his little cheeks! What a precious little boy! His color is so good!

Oh, Misty, I know the grief, hurt, pain, etc that you are feeling and my arms are reaching through the computer right now and giving you a hug. I am so proud that you have stood in the Lord through it all. God bless you! I am glad to hear the funeral was good. We were blessed with a beautiful day and I know it was sent from God! That is a good idea about the slideshow. My bff's husband made one for Carleigh's service and I love it. Eventually I will post it. There is a song on the slideshow that we used (with permission) that hasn't been released yet so I want to wait until it is to put the slideshow on Carleigh's blog. I would love to see your slideshow once it is finished if you feel like sharing it. You are such a wonderful woman and I am so glad to know you. Love you always!

Seraphim said...

You are such a beautiful family, and I ache for your loss. Keeping you in my prayers. xxx

becky b said...

Misty,
Thank you for sharing, I've been thinking about you , wondering how you are all doing. Isaac is truly a beautiful baby. Your picture of your family is PERFECT!! Let the memories you have of your short time with Isaac help sustain you through your grief. Embrace your children and stay strong. YOu have alot of Moms out here praying for you and thinking of you. Isaac is now safe and free of pain in his Fathers arms, waiting until you meet again....
}hugs{
Becky B.
bbenkoski@hotmail.com
Mom of 9
one in heaven
Three by birth
Five through adoption

Laurie in Ca. said...

I am praying for you Misty and for your sweet family as you mourn the loss of your precious Isaac. He is a perfect and beautiful baby boy. I am so sorry for you to be going through this pain and watching your children go through it too. Asking God to guide you and hold you close, moment by moment as you walk this road now. My heart goes out to you all.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Celia said...

Misty, Isaac is simply perfect...such beauty. My heart aches with you.
That picture of you with all of your children is a treasure for sure! I know this is a difficult time for you and your family but God is holding you so close.
I can only pray that you are doing "okay". I pray for healing, though time is our biggest friend in that process (along with God, of course). I look forward to your story in your words. You have a way with them. I am certain that your words will touch many hearts. I know they have mine.
Just know that I think of you every day, pray for you every day, and love you very much. YOu have touched me so that I will be forever changed. I cherish that I have such wonderful sisters (even though such a hard journey has united us) to turn to and heal with.
God Bless you Misty, you & your precious family.

Jodi Lansink said...

Thanks for the nice comment on my blog-----your little guy is ADORABLE!!!!! I am sure you miss him terribly, and my thoughts and prayers are certainly with you and your family as well. He is just toooooo cute!!!!

imbeingheldhostage said...

The photos are fantastic. My prayers are with your family.

Sailor and Co said...

I am sorry for your pain.....I know one thing is for sure - God will be glorified in this....and His strength is made perfect in your WEAKNESS.

Kat said...

Just a gorgeous picture with your children.
Continued prayers.

Michelle said...

praying for you, your children, your husband, and everyone else missing your sweet baby boy.

- michelle

Are You Serious! said...

♥ What a great picture! It sounds like you have some wonderful friends close by! Take care! :)

Pokeyann said...

That is the best picture! I love it. How I wish I had gotten to meet Isaac. Thank you for sharing pictures and his life and yours with me. Your wonderful spirit keeps shining through every post you write and every time I talk to you. You are amazing and loved.

Tiffany said...

You amaze me. I love you so much and I'm so sorry that you are hurting. It does hurt, but I wish that it didn't. You continue to be in my prayers. I hope Emma and Isaac are friends up in Heaven now.

Alyson said...

Your family photo turned out great! It's beautiful!

Blessings,

Alyson

Kami's Khlopchyk said...

That picture is perfect, just perfect, and how smart to get one of all of your babies together. A memory to last a lifetime.

I can only imagine the heartache, and what I imagine pretty much knocks me to my knees. I think of you so often and hope you are holding up okay. I love the first comment about it being a journey, I think that must be so true. There is no finish line but hopefully as time goes by, you will all heal and as you say, be even stronger. Girl, you are going to be like Wonderwoman!!!

Love you honey, take care and thank you for sharing your story with us. Really, thank you.

Becky said...

Such a beautiful family. Love the picture. Your family will cherish it forever. Isaac knows how very much he is loved. Hang in there. You are in my prayers.

Krystal said...

He is perfect in everyway, and your family is beautiful.

Penny said...

What beautiful pictures! Issac is perfect, love his color and those chubby cheeks!

The timing for your children to be around you is perfect, lean on hem as they lean on you. God will be glorified through Issac and your family will be blessed. I remember well the LONG nights. Darkness was my enemy, I filled my days so the grief didn't engulf me but at night, when it was quiet, I couldn't hold the tears back. My body was in so much physical pain.

Hug hugs, we will be praying for your family. Your sweet baby's picture will stay fresh in my mind.

Jake and Stephanie Perrin said...

Misty,
You dont know me but i have been following your blog for a little over a month now. I hopped over from Lara's blog. i have been thinking of you and praying for you daily and even more through this tough time. You are so strong. I don't know if i could handle a trial like you have had to endure! May the lord bless you, your husband and sweet children during this time!! Take care of yourself and i look foward to getting to know you better through our blogs. Check by ours sometime when you feel up to at theperrinexpierence.blogspot.com

Eliot's Mom said...

The picture with you and the kids is FABULOUS!! I just love it! Hang in there, my sweet friend. You will heal. Your friend Mandy put this quote on her blog, and I think it's perfect: "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." (Tori Amos) I love you.

Trennia said...

I've been praying for you,and your family.Your sweet son is a very beautiful.I'm so sorry you have to travel this road of pain.It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do myself.Praying for you all.

Tina said...

What beautiful pictures!! You and your family are amazing people!I am truly sorry that you have had to deal with such a loss. My prayers and thoughts are with you always!! God bless!

Lisa said...

What a beautiful family! When we first saw sweet little Isaac, my husband, 17 year old daughter and myself all said how much he resembles your older son. And oh those adorable chubby cheeks! I just wanted you to know that you are "prayer covered" in Colorado in these days and weeks to come.
God Bless!

Whitney said...

Misty my husband and I have been praying for you, as so many have. Please remember that and remember that our Savior has made the ultimate sacrifice for us and for little Isaac. One day you will be able to hold his perfect body again. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Iris said...

what should I say? i am also pregnant with a boy who is diagnosed with anencephaly. and there are hard days, but when I look at your boy, at your familiy there is hope, faith, freedom and LOVE.
thank you for sharing this wonderful boy with us! greetings, iris from austria

Michal Ann said...

Dear Misty,

I am so grateful that you are able to find strength to keep in touch with us who have been following your story. I am praising God with you because in the midst of this terrible loss, you have gained and given much. In January you wrote "I'm fighting each and every day to become a woman of love, honor, and integrity. Passing hope and light on to my children..."

You had no idea what you would face in the new year, but we can see you are fulfilling those words in a wonderful way.

Holding you in my heart because our God is love, Michal

"But for you who fear my name, the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in His wings." Malachi 4: 2b

Anne-Marie said...

My heart aches for you. I can't imagine how hard the days and hours must be for you and yet you must continue to be there for your children.

I pray that the Lord will give you peace and strength. Your story is so inspiring to me.

(I'm Lara's sil by the way)

lilfootsmommy said...

Misty, your family photo is beautiful and amazing and absolutely perfect! I have been thinking about your family and wishing there was something I could do to help heal the pain you are feeling yet I know the only thing I can do is just pray for all of you!

All my best to you and many heartfelt thoughts and prayers!

sista #2 said...

Your family photo is just gorgeous :)

You are in my thoughts.


peace
#2

Mrs. Caddigan said...

Misty...it's all been said - the family picture is just precious and Isaac is a beautiful little boy. You and yours remain in my prayers.

mrsbear said...

What a lovely little boy. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Isaac is the most precious, beautiful little baby boy. Thank you for sharing him with us. I love the photo of you and all your children. May our Lord continue to strengthen you and your family, and I will continue to remember you in my prayers.
Love in Christ,
Sarita - also the mother of one in Heaven, my darling Meredith Helen

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Your family is beautiful. My heart aches for you all. You will treasure these pictures always.

Klin said...

Hey there, I feel impressed to share something with you. I have a friend who sent a baby home too soon for her, too. Their family celebrates her birthday by donating toys to other children. They donate to the church nursery, United Way, Family Support and Treatment Center, Primary Children's, etc. It keeps their daughter apart of the family and has been great for healing.

From me now- allow yourself the time to grieve. Don't cut it short just because our society feels you should move on. Take the time to fully work it out. It will take lots of time to fully grieve. I am always here if you need to talk. It is ok to call. I return all messages, too.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

Lindsey said...

Precious pictures!!! What treasured keepsakes! Praying for your family!

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful picture (and might I add how fabulious you look for just having a baby) This is a picture that you will always treasure and last a life time! I will keep your family in my thoughts. How precious is he.

Holly said...

The picture of all of you is beautiful. I've been thinking about you a lot this week, my friend. So many others have given some great advice. Let yourself grieve, write when you want to and what you want. Don't rush anything on anyone's account.

We love you and pray for you.

Why Mom Drinks Rum said...

Wonderful photo of all your children...I hope that time begins to heal some of your pain.

Take care!

Jason, as himself said...

I'm so glad you were able to capture this moment.

I'm so sorry you can't have what you long for. So very sorry.

Big hugs.

And here is my virtual lasagna that I make for my friends who have recently had babies. With salad and garlic bread.

debbie said...

Misty,
What beautiful photo's!
I am praying for you and your family. I am so sorry.
Thank you so very much for sharing Issac with us. He is so beautiful.
Debbie

Deanne said...

What an absolutely perfect baby boy. Thank you for sharing your journey. I am a stranger to you, yet I have thought and prayed for you often, and shed tears as I have read your sweet posts. I pray that you will continue to feel of God's love for you and your family at this time.

Danielle-lee said...

That picture of all of your babies is PERFECT! And omg, Isaac is just so precious! That is one of the most gorgeous babies I've ever seen. And you too-you look wonderful!
I pray that you continue to feel God's love and peace through this. You are so wonderful to be caring for all your babies. I know that your heart will heal as you are helping your babies' hearts heal.

Amber M. said...

Misty,
I found your blog thorugh My Ice Cream Diary several months ago and spent the afternoon sobbing, reading your blog and learning about your family and baby Isaac. You left a comment on my blog, but I haven't been able to find you again. Until today. Now my heart aches for you and your sweet family. Know that the prayers of this stranger are with your family.

Kikit said...

Everything's perfect with the people who are dear to us. Glad your husband was able to take that perfect photo.

The Woollard Family said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I found your blog through Holly's blog on Carleigh's Journey. Your son was absolutely gorgeous! You have a beautiful family and I know that Isaac is looking down on you, your husband, and his brother and sisters from Heaven and saving a special spot for each and every one of you. God bless you and your family!

-Heather Woollard ♥
~Wetumpka, Alabama

Lindsey said...

Those sweet pictures are absolutely priceless. Beautiful family, Misty, beautiful family. I still am keeping you close in thought and prayers. I can not begin to imagine the pain you feel. Just remember that I cry with you and one day in heaven we will rejoice together!

Parenthood For Me said...

He is beautiful. Your family is beautiful. I have never visited before but wanted to give you my condolenses. I read the anonymous comment and commend you for your reaction. I am sorry for your pain.
Erica

Molly C said...

There is something so inexplicably beautiful about him. He looks like an angel. I'm praying for you

Melissa said...

I came across your blog today and have been reading your story. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Your family picture is beautiful. What a treasure that is. You have amazing strength to be able to smile so beautifully in that photo.Your son Isaac is such a perfect, beautiful, and precious baby!