Monday, January 10, 2011


Well, Friends, I was able to drag my butt back to church yesterday. And it went ok. There were a lot of friendly faces, and then there were a lot of faces I would have loved to have NOT seen. There were your normal crass jokes and comments about pregnancy - - people who take it for granted think it's funny to make poor tasting jokes. And then the gossip. The who is pregnant and who is not. The gossip about who is making it clear they are not happy to be pregnant, which, to me, is a total insult to my sensitivities, not to mention mocking the God given blessing and opportunity to grow a baby and your family. (good run on sentence right there) Parenting is hard - pretty much. Young children are hard - pretty much. Life is hard - pretty much. I find it so offensive to listen to people bitch about motherhood and pregnancy. I find all it demonstrates is selfishness and taking your life and family for granted. I bet if one of those women had a dead baby or a deformed baby, they might think twice about it. And I really feel badly for the MANY women who have lost pregnancies, or babies, or can't even conceive in the first place. They sit there, church meeting after church meeting, and have to listen to that crap. It drives me nearly mad. I find that church caters to the blissful side of believing in a God and Savior. The focus is on miracles and answered prayer. There is not a lot of support for those who are struggling, for those that need baring up. There's a whole lot of social jibber jabber going on, and not a lot of paying attention to the true message of the gospel. You know, the part where we're supposed to learn to live more like Jesus. Whatever. People just don't get it. They know not what they do.

The children really enjoyed their primary classes (Sunday school). Olivia did really well, although was frustrated she did not know many of the songs the kids were singing. Hannah had a lot of school friends in her class - - she sure is growing into such a young lady. And Ian liked his class, although he seems a little more shy about it. The kids came home with good attitudes, and I feel accomplished that I did this HARD thing! And we'll go back next Sunday, and hopefully again and again. I think I can do this. I know I can, thick skin forming along the way.

My week is the normal busy busy. Work, clean, cook, parent - - rinse, repeat. Over and over again. I may have lost a baby, but all the dreams I had as a child for my life have come true. To be a mother. To be married to a good man. To have my own home. To have freedom and peace in my life. Praise God for those blessings, I am truly grateful.

For now we keep on living. Living with most of my family with me, and part of my family missing. My children are loved, and Isaac is loved and remembered. I am, at the very least, thankful to know where he is.

Until next time.



Sarita Boyette said...

Glad you were able to make it to church - it seems the children enjoyed it a lot. I'm sorry people make light of having children. There are women sitting listening to that and maybe no one knows their stories of loss & barrenness. You would think people would know better & keep their mouths shut. Well, dear, we know the world "ain't" perfect. At least you went to worship and maybe some of the others, with prayer, will remember why they are in church. xoxo

I have a good life said...


I am proud of you for taking yourself and your kiddos to church!

People are VERY insensitive about this issue. I am sorry. I spent years yearning to have a kid, but DH didn't want more, then a long time trying to have a kid, but not getting pregnant. Hearing others was difficult. I am so sorry.

I wish we were in the same ward and I could sit by you and hug you.

Love ya

Melissa said...

I have been reading your blog over the weekend, I have gone through every emotion in the book while reading your story! I wish that I could say ANYTHING to heal your broken heart, but we both know that words will not fill that void. I struggled through infertility for years, I have three beautiful children and I am incredibly blessed. I hope as your journey continues, you will get the child that you yearn for. I was so sad to read about your sweet Isaac, that is a loss that I cannot even fathom. People are cruel and insensitive and for that I am sorry. Your testimony of Christ is nothing short of amazing given all that you have been through. Please know that this mom is praying for you and your family!! And please keep writing! I would love to read more!