It's been quite a ride as of late. My pregnancy is sailing along, but the fear attached to this pregnancy is unreal. The bereavement team assigned to our family, months ago, told me my subsequent pregnancy after Isaac would be hell. It's not that there is no excitement and dreaming attached, but that there is an abnormal amount of fear attached as well. We all fear going through losing a newborn ONCE, the fear of doing it AGAIN is consuming. And not only that - - my husband worries, my kids worry. Everyone worries. We want this baby so badly, could be live through losing another? I envy women, and actually my own self - - pre being a mother to a dead child. Pregnancy was for the most part easy and worry free. Nothing bad could happen to me, right??
I have been spending a lot of time communicating with Heavenly Father. I surely cannot make these thoughts go away on my own, I need Him to help reassure me. I'm trying to think positive and focus on the GOOD. I'm enjoy feeling the baby bumble around, and although frightening, I am shopping at my heart's desire for this little one. It's the little things - - - I was able to buy baby shampoo and bubble bath for this baby. I was distraught when I knew Isaac would not need them. I'm able to price diapers and formula and look at outfits knowing I should not be burying this child. Shopping for Isaac's funeral was heart wrenching. I cannot describe the heartache. We've bought a pack n play and new stroller and car seat - - all those things we has for Isaac we got rid of. I'm trying to enjoy as much as I possibly can this time around, we never know what is around the corner. I promised myself this one time I would do what I wanted, shop how I wanted, prepare how I wanted - - if only I got one more chance. And I have that chance now. I need to make the most of it.
Our anatomy scan went well. I was very distressed going into it. It was at the same office, same room, with the same tech when I found out Isaac would die. This baby is perfectly healthy, and he's a BOY. Another baby boy for our family. Ian is so thrilled to be having another brother. It hurt him so badly to have a brother die. I would say he is the most excited! Ian reacted the most outwardly when Isaac died. He had nightmares before his birth, being fearful the baby would die before he could meet him. The crib in his room came down, because it caused him panic attacks. He acted out in school. He was so heart broken. He is my very most tender hearted child, and it was overwhelming to deliver good news to him. He and I both cried over that. What a blessing this sweet babe will be to our family, we are so thankful.
Anyways - 23 weeks along and counting.
Till next time,