Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Baby Avery's birth is coming right up - - we finally agreed on a name! I have a c-section at the end of the month, and I feel a little unprepared with all of the feelings that are swirling around. I feel like for the most part I've been a champ. I've taken the worry in stride, done my best to prepare for this little one with joy in my heart, and worked hard to help my family feel optimistic about a wonderful outcome that is coming our way. But truth be told, behind it all, I am scared to death. It's funny when you experience something as traumatic as the death of an infant. Everything stays with you. Not just the memories, but sounds, smells, people's faces..... Every week when I go to the same hospital for my NSTs, I look at those same doors in Labor and Delivery, knowing that the last time Andrew and I held hands walking through them, our lives changed forever, that our hearts would experiences brokenness we had not known before. The smells of the rooms and waiting area and the noises of people hustling around bring me right back. I can see those events play out in my mind like they are happening all over again. I look at those doors, and I want to bolt through them. I want to bolt through them and make someone take my baby out while I KNOW he's alive. I am so tired from waiting. It's been months, years now, we've waited for a new baby in our home. I just want to be done. I want this part over with. I just can't even explain, there are no words really. No words for what happened and what we felt. I've tried my best to describe, I've tried to share pictures, but I just can't even explain what transpired the days before, the day of, and the days after Isaac died. I just want something different now. I want that joy again.
As Avery's birth gets closer, the days seem longer. I'm 3/4 done with all my spring cleaning and baby prep, and I'm just trying to stay busy so that I don't get swept away in the fear. It is really hard though. Just really, really, hard. I am thankful this baby is on the active side. Each time I feel him bumble around, I feel so thankful. I am amazed that I can feel his body through my own. I am amazed that I can press against his body, and he moves and presses back. He knows I am his Mama. Towards the end, those moments were so very few and far in between with our precious Isaac. I try to enjoy those moments with this baby now, instead of being afraid that I'll lose out on them. It's hard though, because now we all know you can lose. It's part of life now.
And now, my dears, I need a fat ass piece of chocolate. These hormones are evil today. Wish me luck.