Sunday, February 8, 2009

Sleep on it.

I've had a horrible time of it trying to sleep this week. The nightmares are relentless. I dreamed that my baby was still alive and they took him from me. I screamed and screamed that he wasn't dead yet, and belonged with me, but they took him anyway. Another night I dreamed I had the baby early, but they re-attached him into my womb, thinking maybe he could survive a little bit longer there. I dreamed a photographer came to photograph the baby and took one or two portraits and left, because he didn't like the looks of my baby.

I've found that I have had a lot of anxiety the last week wondering how the baby will look once he is born. With such a birth defect, much of his head could be missing, and I feel like I need to brace myself for the worst. Yet I have seen many, many pictures of babies with Anencephaly, and each and every newborn babe was a miracle to me, was beautiful, was perfect. I know that when I see my baby his birth defects won't matter, that all I will see is his perfect soul, and I will love him just the same as my other children.

I have had a lot of anxiety wondering how long the baby will live. Will it be minutes, will it be hours, or maybe days? The amount this child moves gives me hope that we will have more than less time with him, but I think it is wise to keep my dreams in check.

I now have 3 outfits each in new born size, and 3 outfits in preemie size. I have three blankets. I have an idea of what I would like the babe to wear for his burial. We know now which plot he will be laid to rest in. It's a family plot, a few miles from our home.

I think a lot about having babies in the future, and really, with all my heart, hoping that I will be able to carry and birth a healthy child in the future. It makes my heart ache in a different way, that this could be my last child, my last pregnancy and newborn. I have wanted all my life to be a mother, and each experience I have had creating life has been a miracle to me. My children are worth more to me than anything else in the world. I can't explain the value I find in having children, new babies, and now my older children. I feel so thankful that I have three of my own. I wish to journey through pregnancy again, bringing home a healthy baby again, and "starting over" again. I don't expect any one else to understand that, but I love being a mother and wife more then anything else in the world. I find immense value in my life, and what I have chosen to do with it.

I have about 12 weeks left to be pregnant. Baby Isaac moves a lot. We love him, and continue to love him more each day. Life moves on, although I find I struggle each day to act and feel like it does. On the other hand I spend a lot of time feeling happy and enjoying my children. I take a new pleasure in mothering them, as to make the most of every minute I have with them. The house is clean tonight, except the bathroom which I still have left to tidy. We enjoyed a homemade meal as a family this evening, and all the kids are bathed and dressed in clean jammies. I have laundry washing, laundry drying. I feel ready to start a new week, and feel capable to fulfill my responsibilites. God is good, and we carry on, one step at at time.

21 comments:

Are You Serious! said...

♥ I wish I had something comforting to say but I don't so I hope you know that I'm praying for your family and this trial that you're going through!

Anonymous said...

Mist first the pictures are great! The smiles are awsome. You are amazing. You have your moments but you are trying to hold your head high for you Family and you are doing an outstanding job! You should be everyones inspiration... you are mine. I love you.
~ Brookie~

Pokeyann said...

Wow, you've got so much done already. You've always amazed me on how much you can get done, really, I think you just might be superwoman. In my opinion, totally normal to worry about things, you just have a few specific worries to add to the rest. I was stressing with you in the beginning, but the more stories I read of Anencephaly the more relaxed I became about it all. Little Isaac will be just as perfect, just as amazing and just as beautiful as your other children, actually already is.

Lindsey said...

He will be absolutely beautiful. You will have more babies, sweet friend. I claim it. Your babies (all of them) are so very lucky to be blessed with a Mother like you. I'm here.

Lara said...

He will be beautiful, because he is yours.

PS...I am working on a fundraiser. I hope to settle details this week, and get it started.

Mandy said...

He will be beautiful because he is yours. I am sure I don't have to tell you that all mothers think their children are beautiful, but they really are...children are beautiful souls...Gods perfect little beings.

I can only imagine the anxiety you are feeling in regards to the impending birth of your angel. I think the waiting is the worst part of it. The knowing....the sitting around and thinking.

Your life...is immensely important. Not only have you brought 3 children into the world, but you are carrying one of God's angels. But you...you yourself is a gift to this world in your own special way, and I hope you always feel that.

(and I hope you feel me giving you a big hug).

xoxox
m.

Mandi said...

I havent been checking your blog, because I thought you werent blogging anymore. I know that this is a hard thing, you my friend are well prepared to love this little being for however long you are blessed with its care, it can feel you now, and knows that it is loved.

I will check in on you again soon, now that I know you are still there.

My love is with you, always...xxx

just jamie said...

This baby, your other three babies, and your next baby are all beautiful, as are you, YOU, my friend. Keep going...

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

God has you all in his hands. You are all in my heart.

XO

Debbie said...

I love the new look of your blog. Very sweet. Isaac is so precious.
You are such an amazing woman. Thank you for your honesty and your willingness to share your thoughts with us. I am so inspired by you. I wish I knew you personally. It would be such a blessing for me to be there for you if you needed me.
I pray for some restful sleep for you. And I pray that when Isaac comes in to this world, that you will experience a peace that passes all understanding. He is beautiful.
God bless,
Debbie

Kami said...

Hey girl, I am so glad to hear you are hanging in there, you are so amazing! We were away for a little vacation which is why I haven't been around. I love the new look of your blog, your 4 precious angels are all beautiful :)

Sending hugs and prayers, always....

Kami said...

Hey girl, I am so glad to hear you are hanging in there, you are so amazing! We were away for a little vacation which is why I haven't been around. I love the new look of your blog, your 4 precious angels are all beautiful :)

Sending hugs and prayers, always....

Danielle-lee said...

I love the new blog look! It's perfect!
My anxiety eased just a bit when I read this. I am feeling just a little bit of peace about you. I know that this road will be long and hard, but I also have faith that you will make it through.
I will pray for a good night's sleep for you, hon.
Hugs from me.

Eliot's Mom said...

First of all, I love, Love, LOVE what you've done with your blog. This summer will you help me spruce up mine? Second, what a great post. I hope you get all the time you want and need with Isaac. I hope your nightmares will ease up on you; that is horrible. And I hope you know that you are doing the most important and meaningful thing any woman could possibly do by being a mother. It doesn't matter if the world gets that, because you understand that and live for it, and you and your children are forever blessed by your courage to be a whole-hearted mother.

CC said...

Hi, I'm one of Lara's friends...

I will not claim to know the depth of your pain, but your post flooded me with the memory of what I went through with my first child. She had a big hole in her heart at 7 months. Two specialists and my OB told me to get ready to bury her, the latest 6 months. And if by some miracle she survived, she'll be doomed to a life of hospitals stays, and band-aid surgeries. Just like you, my nightmares seemed cruel and endless. I cried everywhere and every time. Let's just say that's how I found the church. She's 16 now... No heart defect. I don't know if I truly deserved that miracle but I know you do, so my whole family will pray for you and Isaac; what a beautiful name for a beautiful little boy...

For your post, I want to hug you so much! I know that whatever your child will look like to our earthly eyes, your divine maternal eyes will see him as the beautiful perfect being Heavenly Father seems him as. You will be with him and you will see just how blessed you truly are for loving him despite the pain. God is good. I hope your dreams will be of peace this week.

Carolyn

Hansonpatch said...

Hello,
I was referred by Lara as well. I wish I could tell you that this is all a bad dream and that you will wake up and never have heard those words from the doctors mouth. What I can tell you is that it will get easier, and I can tell you that because I have lost a child. I have had the same nightmares you describe, and I have had to arrange a burial. One day you will come home to your sweet husband and beautiful children and talk about the remember whens and there will be peace. The emptiness, the fear, the Why me will be replaced with the knowledge that you are a member of an elect society in company with those who have lost children and who WILL ONE DAY RAISE them again! Issac is not lost to you, he is yours forever, and you will be there with me and my sweet Britta and we will smile at the opportunity to walk in the prescence of these angels. If you ever need to vent you can email me at hansonpatch@gmail.com. I know there is a whirlwind of emotions and it is hard to let loose on those closest to you. I've been there and I am there for you.

Lynn said...

I am so sad for you all and just want to say I'm praying for your whole family...may you find comfort,peace, much support and love during this most trying time.

Love,
Lynn

Holly said...

You are a true inspiration! I heard about your pregnancy through Lara, and let me say that you have the faith of a giant! Your children are beautiful...and even more so...because YOU are their mother! The most wonderful thing to remember is that the resurrection is real! You are amazing!

treasuresandsnares said...

I have just found you and I thank you for sharing you heart and family. I will not say I "know" what you are feeling, but I will say that You are Brave and LOVED as are you children past, present and future. I will keep praying. Anything is possible with God ;)

Hugs and Peace
Kim

Jason, as himself said...

I imagine I would be having the same kinds of anxieties if I were in your place. And more. Sigh. Hug.

Your new layout is so appealing! I like it a lot. Did you do it yourself or get it from somewhere else? I keep thinking I'm going to change mine but then I get terrified. I've tried a couple of times before with nearly disastrous results.

Carly Marie said...

Dear Misty,

My friend Sarah contacted me and told me your story.

I am so sorry to hear your news of you sweet Isaac. I am here to offer my support and love.

I had to say goodbye to my little boy. I too was worried about what he would look like. There is no need to worry about it Misty. You will love him with your whole heart. He will be perfect in your eyes.

My friend and I have a support site for mothers walking this road.

whisperedsupport.blogspot.com

If you can't come and visit yourself maybe you could ask a family member to do it for you. We have some gentle guidance for you there to help you around the time that you have your sweet Isaac with you.

Another place is

stringofpearlsonline.org

String of Pearls is run by a wonderful friend of mine named Laura. She is in America.

I wish your heart peace.

With love and hope,

Carly Dudley