I've had a horrible time of it trying to sleep this week. The nightmares are relentless. I dreamed that my baby was still alive and they took him from me. I screamed and screamed that he wasn't dead yet, and belonged with me, but they took him anyway. Another night I dreamed I had the baby early, but they re-attached him into my womb, thinking maybe he could survive a little bit longer there. I dreamed a photographer came to photograph the baby and took one or two portraits and left, because he didn't like the looks of my baby.
I've found that I have had a lot of anxiety the last week wondering how the baby will look once he is born. With such a birth defect, much of his head could be missing, and I feel like I need to brace myself for the worst. Yet I have seen many, many pictures of babies with Anencephaly, and each and every newborn babe was a miracle to me, was beautiful, was perfect. I know that when I see my baby his birth defects won't matter, that all I will see is his perfect soul, and I will love him just the same as my other children.
I have had a lot of anxiety wondering how long the baby will live. Will it be minutes, will it be hours, or maybe days? The amount this child moves gives me hope that we will have more than less time with him, but I think it is wise to keep my dreams in check.
I now have 3 outfits each in new born size, and 3 outfits in preemie size. I have three blankets. I have an idea of what I would like the babe to wear for his burial. We know now which plot he will be laid to rest in. It's a family plot, a few miles from our home.
I think a lot about having babies in the future, and really, with all my heart, hoping that I will be able to carry and birth a healthy child in the future. It makes my heart ache in a different way, that this could be my last child, my last pregnancy and newborn. I have wanted all my life to be a mother, and each experience I have had creating life has been a miracle to me. My children are worth more to me than anything else in the world. I can't explain the value I find in having children, new babies, and now my older children. I feel so thankful that I have three of my own. I wish to journey through pregnancy again, bringing home a healthy baby again, and "starting over" again. I don't expect any one else to understand that, but I love being a mother and wife more then anything else in the world. I find immense value in my life, and what I have chosen to do with it.
I have about 12 weeks left to be pregnant. Baby Isaac moves a lot. We love him, and continue to love him more each day. Life moves on, although I find I struggle each day to act and feel like it does. On the other hand I spend a lot of time feeling happy and enjoying my children. I take a new pleasure in mothering them, as to make the most of every minute I have with them. The house is clean tonight, except the bathroom which I still have left to tidy. We enjoyed a homemade meal as a family this evening, and all the kids are bathed and dressed in clean jammies. I have laundry washing, laundry drying. I feel ready to start a new week, and feel capable to fulfill my responsibilites. God is good, and we carry on, one step at at time.