Friday, February 20, 2009

Humbled.


The beauty of my children humbles me. Their gentle ways, carefree outlook, forgiving hearts, and innocent spirits humble me. From whom they are given is humbling to me. To have been entrusted with the sacred calling of motherhood is humbling to me. There is no greater call.

My heart has been touched this week. Touched by simple gifts, great and small. Lara from Overstuffed has started a fundraiser for our family "just because". Stop by, tell her I sent you, and tell her what a gracious heart she has! A dear friend of mine sent me a beautiful care package with food, chocolate, homemade jam, hand written scripture cards, soup mixes. I know it was a sacrifice for her to put together that box for me, as her finances are tight, as mine, and probably even yours are. I also know she is struggling with her own trials right now, and laid them aside to care for me. I had a card in the mail from a sweet friend in Texas, and a card from my grandmother, after a phone call when she let me know she wanted to contribute to my "secret surprise" for the children in May. And not only that, but sweet souls, all over the US have taken the time to read my story and let me know they love and care for my family. I am beyond humbled to receive love from those that I don't even know, when I have felt others that I do know, have fallen short. So, thank you. Thank for you that have touched my heart this week. I fall short in reaching out personally a lot of the time, but please know I appreciate YOU, as you read this.

My heart has been sad this week as my oldest, Hannah, has been grieving much. Many times I have wished my children were young enough that they could skip through this situation un-blemished. I, too, have to remember that their little ears pick up on EVERY thing. For example: they hear Andrew and I speak about finances, and speak of making savings accounts for certain upcoming expenses. After noticing Hannah was quiet all day, I asked her if something was wrong, and she said she was worried that we were going to run out of money! As if it was her job, at the tender age of 8 to worry about such. And of course that is not so! I explained to her Daddy gets a pay check twice a month, just like I do. I explained to her also that is why we have savings. I explained to her, too, that there are expenses coming up that make me upset to have to pay for, but that I am upset because the circumstance makes me sad NOT because funds are lacking, because they are not. We'll make sure the money is there. That seemed to ease her burden, but I've noticed she's been sad about the baby a lot this week. Her journal entries are enough to make any mother fall to her knees and ask WHY! It is a harsh reality that I can only spare my children from much of what I suffered as a child, but that there is so much more in the world that I cannot. How my heart aches to see my children in pain.

I have, for the most part, felt good this week. It was only 5 weeks ago that we found out our baby would die. Something I will never forget is how I felt in that moment when the doctor told me. And yet after days of feeling like I wasn't going to survive, I have realized that I will, and that life goes on, dragging me behind. I am thankful to be able to prepare, and to know ahead of time what is coming. I am thankful that the grief comes in waves that are small enough for me to swim through. I am thankful I've been able to realize my own limitations, and to focus on what I can do, instead of what I cannot. It amazes me what people can survive through. Each of us is much stronger then what we give ourselves credit for.

Anyways - - lots to do around home today, groceries to be bought, laundry to wash, dishes to do. Better get to it, I suppose.

20 comments:

debbie said...

Ah, your post is so beautiful. It bring tears to my eyes and inspires me to keep striving to be the best mommy I can be. Sometimes I fall so short like getting upset over little things, becoming impatient with them, expecting too much from them.....they are such tender and innocent little souls.
I am so pleased that you are being comforted and uplifted by others. I cannot imagine traveling the road you are on without the support and kindness of others.
I've been praying for that for you. God is good.
Debbie

Kami said...

This is so well written Misty, I feel your heart, your beautiful heart. Anyone who comes here can't help but love and support you. I am sorry that people who are close to you aren't giving you what you need but maybe, just maybe they don't know how to reach out? I hope they find a way, because you deserve it, as to your kids.

Hannah is so much like my friend's daughter, who aptly enough, is named Hannah. She is so observant. She is so lucky to have a mommy who knows her so well and can calm her fears.

:)

Kim said...

Misty,

I came to your blog by way of Lara. I am so sorry for your family and wish that there was some way for your children to be comforted.

You have been added to my prayer list.

just jamie said...

I think this is one of my favorite posts of yours. I know there is so much sadness behind the words. BUT, there is also a sense of hope and PURPOSE. You are a fabulous mama. That I KNOW. Love to you, my friend.

treasuresandsnares said...

The others have said it so well. I am sorry you and your family's saddness. I too will pray for you guys. I am glad you have found comfort in your blog friends/family, when some "real life" ones are not there for you.

praying peace for you and sending GREAT BIG HUGS for all :)

Pokeyann said...

I love you soooo much! Thank you for being my friend!

Eliot's Mom said...

The photo of Livvy is gorgeous. So happy you have your camera to enjoy and capture precious moments like that. My heart aches for my sweet Hannah, and of course for you. Nothing harder than watching your child suffer. But, she's got plenty of her mommy's resilience in her. She will be okay. Stronger for all of this. Just like you. I agree with Jamie. One of your most beautiful posts.

Leslie said...

i wanted to thank you for what you wrote on my blog. after reading some of your recent postings, it sounds like your life has been full of challenges that have shaped you into a strong and amazing person.
after reading you posting titled 'living through his mama', it reminded me of a book i just barely read. it is a book that i received after my husband passed away and i just got around to reading it. it is a really short book that i read in a matter of under an hour and the second story that is told in the book relates to that particular posting of yours so well. the book is called 'the uses of adversity' by carlfred broderick. it is an amazing little book that i really think you should read.
here is one excerpt from the story that reminded me of yours:

'the Lord inspired me to tell her, and I believe with all my heart that it applies to many in the kingdom, that she was a valiant, Christlike spirit who volunteered to come to earth and suffer innocently to purify a lineage.'

you are an example of strength and faith. thank you.

Jason, as himself said...

I am not surprised that you've had this kind of outpouring from the blog world, and your home world.

There is so much good.

The Girl Next Door said...

You manage to see the sunshine through the pouring rain and then share it with all of us. You are amazing and a gifted Mom. Hugs and prayers to you.

CC said...

Oh Misty! I am so sorry and sad for you. I haven't visited your blog in a long, long time and I see now that a LOT has happened since I was last here. My hugs and prayers are with you and your family right now.

LaskiGal said...

This post is absolutely beautiful . . . touching, honest, totally and completely Misty.

Your love for your children, as it has from the moment I first read you (over a year ago) just leaps from the virtual page.

You are an amazing mother, with amazing strength, with a beautiful heart. You know that???

Don't ever, ever doubt it.

Lindsey said...

What a raw post, sweet friend! I am still praying for your precious family. Your children are blessed to have such a strong Mommy!

Tracey said...

Love for your whole family...

Danielle-lee said...

Beautifully written, my love. I am sorry your children are hurting. They will grow strong & beautiful out of this tragedy, with a strong, beautiful mom like you.
I wish I could do more than the card.

MoziEsmé said...

Just came across your story today, and wanted to let you know you and your entire family are in our prayers.

Anonymous said...

Your heart, your writing, your family, and the way you share all of that is simply beautiful.
I feel more blessed to be a mother today.

May God bless and carry you through it all.

Elaine A. said...

My heart and prayers go out to you. I'm so sorry that you are having to endure this grief but so happy to learn that you know that our good God will carry you through. Love and prayers from Texas,
Elaine

Woman in a Window said...

I wish I were coming during happier times to bear witness to your beauty and stength. Let that endure.
my best,
erin

Amy said...

I remember the moment I was told, too. It was so frightening, like being shoved off a cliff without notice. And As I slowly came to realize, puzzling all the while, that the fall wouldn't kill me, and wouldn't even hurt as bad as the shove, I discovered that it was even possible to come to an only partially bumpy landing...kind of like flying...but not. Does that make ANY sense? Anyway, Your skills as a photographer take my breath away. How do you see light so well? Its potential? It must be deep within you. I love you.