Friday, February 20, 2009
The beauty of my children humbles me. Their gentle ways, carefree outlook, forgiving hearts, and innocent spirits humble me. From whom they are given is humbling to me. To have been entrusted with the sacred calling of motherhood is humbling to me. There is no greater call.
My heart has been touched this week. Touched by simple gifts, great and small. Lara from Overstuffed has started a fundraiser for our family "just because". Stop by, tell her I sent you, and tell her what a gracious heart she has! A dear friend of mine sent me a beautiful care package with food, chocolate, homemade jam, hand written scripture cards, soup mixes. I know it was a sacrifice for her to put together that box for me, as her finances are tight, as mine, and probably even yours are. I also know she is struggling with her own trials right now, and laid them aside to care for me. I had a card in the mail from a sweet friend in Texas, and a card from my grandmother, after a phone call when she let me know she wanted to contribute to my "secret surprise" for the children in May. And not only that, but sweet souls, all over the US have taken the time to read my story and let me know they love and care for my family. I am beyond humbled to receive love from those that I don't even know, when I have felt others that I do know, have fallen short. So, thank you. Thank for you that have touched my heart this week. I fall short in reaching out personally a lot of the time, but please know I appreciate YOU, as you read this.
My heart has been sad this week as my oldest, Hannah, has been grieving much. Many times I have wished my children were young enough that they could skip through this situation un-blemished. I, too, have to remember that their little ears pick up on EVERY thing. For example: they hear Andrew and I speak about finances, and speak of making savings accounts for certain upcoming expenses. After noticing Hannah was quiet all day, I asked her if something was wrong, and she said she was worried that we were going to run out of money! As if it was her job, at the tender age of 8 to worry about such. And of course that is not so! I explained to her Daddy gets a pay check twice a month, just like I do. I explained to her also that is why we have savings. I explained to her, too, that there are expenses coming up that make me upset to have to pay for, but that I am upset because the circumstance makes me sad NOT because funds are lacking, because they are not. We'll make sure the money is there. That seemed to ease her burden, but I've noticed she's been sad about the baby a lot this week. Her journal entries are enough to make any mother fall to her knees and ask WHY! It is a harsh reality that I can only spare my children from much of what I suffered as a child, but that there is so much more in the world that I cannot. How my heart aches to see my children in pain.
I have, for the most part, felt good this week. It was only 5 weeks ago that we found out our baby would die. Something I will never forget is how I felt in that moment when the doctor told me. And yet after days of feeling like I wasn't going to survive, I have realized that I will, and that life goes on, dragging me behind. I am thankful to be able to prepare, and to know ahead of time what is coming. I am thankful that the grief comes in waves that are small enough for me to swim through. I am thankful I've been able to realize my own limitations, and to focus on what I can do, instead of what I cannot. It amazes me what people can survive through. Each of us is much stronger then what we give ourselves credit for.
Anyways - - lots to do around home today, groceries to be bought, laundry to wash, dishes to do. Better get to it, I suppose.