Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Faith-ing It Up.


Hannah riding Olivia's tricycle.

Ian.

Olivia sporting mud from the garden.

Ian playing basketball.

Ian.

Ian.

Hannah.

Olivia's fashion statement.

Olivia making sure I think she's pretty. Although the child refuses to have her hair combed or wear matching clothing.

Boots, princess dress, and helmet. Ready for anything.


*Sigh*. I have been feeling very grumpy today. The following commentary isn't directed towards any specific person per-say, but it is something that is really pissing me off. I have been VERY disappointed in my support system, minus a few choice individuals. Shortly after I found out about Isaac, I called my girlfriend and cried. I told her I felt like this was something I was going to have to go through alone. She has suffered the loss of a child from Anencephaly, so she knows what it's like to be in my shoes, and was honest, and told me that it WAS something I was going to have to do alone. I believed her. And I still do. I would say that I am a very closed off person. It takes a long time to get close to me, and very few people ever do. It has greatly distressed me that even my close circle falls short. What is it with people not being able to follow through? No one calls. No one offers a meal. No one even emails. I can understand feeling uncomfortable about being in touch - - but through a computer?? Come on people. It ain't that hard. I find myself sitting here feeling irritated by the lack of response from even my family members, and I realize this is the type of trial that is going to make or break many relationships I have. It makes my heart break that I feel the need to retreat permanently from so many people. They are blowing it. This isn't the time to blow it, either. This is the most monumental trial I have ever had to face, and I'm facing it alone. I feel like if family and friends can't be here for me now, don't bother. Don't bother trying to wiggle in to see the baby when it's born, and certainly don't bother coming when I bury my child. Don't bother pretending there is something between us, when there isn't. Some times, no matter how uncomfortable a situation is, you can't run the other way. You stick it out because that is what it means to love some one. Even it you're floundering outside of your comfort zone. Because really? I am, too.

Andrew and I spoke a lot about faith earlier this week. From what I can piece together, he feels like it must be a lack of faith on our part, if our baby isn't healed. I understand his frustrations, and understand each person struggles with the in-justices of the world, in his or her own ways.

There is so much more to faith then asking and receiving. Faith is knowing God is there, even through the trials that bring us to our knees. Faith is submitting to the will of the Father, and finding a way to feel His love, when you feel He is far away. Faith is knowing God is there, even if the world should tell you He isn't.

I have suffered beatings, molestation, food restrictions, room confinement that lasted years. I didn't feel like God was punishing me. I knew better then that, even as a child. I knew having faith meant enduring, not wishing God would take all my suffering from me. With out pain there is no growth. I knew though, that if I had faith, God would provide a way to ease my suffering as much as He could, and He did. I was prompted as a small child, at the age of three, to KNOW with out a doubt that what this certain man was doing to me was wrong. I found him naked in his bed, he pulled the sheets back, and asked me to join him. I knew then and there to say NO. I turned and left his bedroom. He never made another advance again. That is a perfect example of God watching out for his own child. Soon after that, we were taken from his home. I knew when I was 10 or 11 that I was a child of God, that something bigger then myself existed, even if I couldn't comprehend it. Faith is knowing God will show you a way, His way.

I can say that I have never doubted in God, or His plan. There have been times I haven't felt his presence as much as I desired, but I knew he hadn't forsaken me. I know now this child has come to us in such a way that will ensure his safe arrival back into God's arms shortly after birth. I have been asked to be a part of this plan for this child, and I oblige, with as much heartache, soul searching, and pain that comes along with it. Friends, God is good. God is true, and God knows, and facilitates a plan which is best for us, whether we drag our feet along the way. Have faith. Be true to that faith. Crawl, walk, run, sprint through the journey with Him, and dare to have faith that he is beside you, along the way.

27 comments:

Trennia said...

I have read your blog a few times and I have been praying for your family. I understand what you are going through. I carried to term praying for a miracle.My daughter was born last May and lived for 17 minutes before going to be with JESUS. I know the desire to want someone to be there for you and help you. Yes I had 2 close friends but not long after Emily's passing they turned their backs on me.There was no meals bought over well unless you wanna count 2 dinners in the same day of Emily's funeral. There was no one, but my husband and children but most of all GOD. I kept believing GOD was going to give us a miacle baby I kept the faith the day she was born I seen that my faith was tried. I knew Emily went to be with JESUS, and I thanked GOD that I didn't lose my uterus then as soon as the nurses moved me from the operating table I bleed heavy I lost my uterus that same day but GOD is & always has been good to me and HIS way is perfect.LORD bless you & your family

Lindsey said...

Oh Misty! My sweet friend. I wish I could take you to lunch and cry together. I would, I promise. I certainly have no idea how you are holding it all together. I am truly amazed at your strength and your FAITH is inspiring.

It is amazing in the trials of life, who actually stays by one's side. Those friends are the family we choose.

I continue to pray for you and your family. I know that God will help you through this journey.

I savored every word of your post tonight. Your words are so raw and the hurt you have is so evident....so is your everlasting Faith. Keep holding on to it!

Lindsey said...

Oh and I loved all the pics of your precious children. I especially enjoyed Olivia's fashion statement. Adorable!

Anonymous said...

Love the pictures of your kids--I dont know exactly what you are going through but I am a mom going through it with my daughter, Holly, who is pregnant with Carleigh, and it hurts and our faith keeps us going and totally agree with you on the last lines of your blog about God. I am praying for you and your family. You are NOT alone.
Mom Putnam

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

I pray that you will feel God's hand supporting you. It is sometimes hardest for us to feel God when we are in the most pain. I think that's why Christ cried out what he did from the cross. I think God was present, more then than ever, but Christ couldn't feel it for all of his pain.

I've endured all of what you list in my life too. So I really do understand the kind of suffering you endured. And while I have lost a baby to miscarriage, I can't imagine what you're going through now.

I hope that you are able to ask for support from those around you, and that you feel their support in any way it is offered. Be sure to ask. Sometimes people don't know what to say or do, myself included. And I will pray that if you don't find what you need where you expect it, that you will find it in new and surprising places.

I will keep praying for you and your family.

Kami said...

Your kids are beautiful and in each picture above you have captured their innocence so poignantly.

I am so sorry you are feeling alone. I think that it is likely that your friends don't want to pester you, I think that's how I would feel anyway. That I should give you time to figure things out. I see how wrong that is. Thank you for writing this post because it helps others understand that you do want people to reach out to you and spend time with you and help you. I have learned from you and I am grateful.

And your faith is so strong, and I envy it and admire it all at the same time. I know that I would feel like your husband does all the while knowing that isn't how God works.

You are a hero. Really. And if you want to talk, I am here. Always.

Lara said...

Misty, it takes such courage to see faith the way you do, which I believe is the correct way. Your faith is truly inspiring. This post has lifted me. Thank you.

Love you, and pray for you daily.

Misty said...

Dear Cheri,

While I understand the sentiment in which your comment was written, I disagree to some extent. I feel like, right now, it is not my job to ask my family - - or my husbands many siblings to reach out to us. Anything.... ANY thing at all, is what we're asking for. And I understand that this is a horrible situation, in which many people uncomfortable, we do, too, but at some point, I feel like the title of family member entitles one, in some way, to figure out what to do for the person you love. And there are MANY choices, which would allow some one to do that for another, with out it being awkward - - - a card, an email, a facebook comment.... it doesn't even have to be a phone call or face to face interaction, which I could see someone feeling uncomfortable with. We're taking about something in stead of nothing. And the "something" doesn't have to hardly anything at all.

I appreciate your candor, thought, and love.

Love, Misty

Danielle-lee said...

You are never alone. You are not going through this alone. God is there, and I can see by this post that you have much faith in him. Thank you for sharing this with us. I struggle with faith, and often feel very alone, and I cannot imagine how it feels to be going through your trials.
I am here for you, in any way I can help. I am not the least bit uncomfortable in this situation; I was born to help others. I just know that distance makes it hard in this situation. If I were there, I would be up in your face, in your house, all the time. You would be so sick of me, I promise. :)
I love you, dear friend. I hope to meet you one day, face to face. Until then, you are in my prayers, and I am happy that God can hold you now.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Your faith is very inspirational to me, especially in light of what you've been through and are going through right now.
I can't even comprehend friends & family not being there for you at a time like this. That's what friends and family are supposed to be for!
I came over from LaskiGal's blog and will definitely be back.
xoxo

Marie said...

Beautiful post Misty. I think one's faith is indeed what carries us through all the trials we have to face in life. God never said it would be easy did He, but having Him to rely on certainly makes it bearable, even if at times we feel as if our hearts would break in two. Sorry you are not getting the support you need from others. (((hugs)))

Jodi Lansink said...

I stumbled across your blog, as I am going through the same thing right now, pregnant with our little girl with anencephaly. I wanted to comment, as I was reading this post, I thought it was coming out of my mouth! I have also been feeling so frustrated with some people and how they deal with the situation----its like they ignore the fact that anything is going on, some don't call, e-mail, NOTHING! Even CLOSE family members-----unreal to me! Anyway----great post, and so glad you are feeling the same way, made me validate my feelings and know I am not alone!

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

You are 100% right Misty. it is not your job to ask. I just meant that you can. If you want to ask. You can. And you know that. Sometimes people just don't know what to do, or they are afraid of doing/saying the wrong thing, or for whatever reason they may be uncomfortable getting close to someone who is going through a rough time. Ideally, your family and friends should be asking you what they can do. You are right about that. 100%. I hope they do.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

I just now read your comment on my blog! We were commenting on each other's blogs at the same time about the same thing.

I'm so glad you took that step. So glad.

Ask and ye shall receive.

Yay!

I sent you my email address.

XOXO

Ashley said...

Such overwhelming feelings and emotions to be going through. Every post I read just fill my heart with love for you and your sweet family. Your feelings on faith are so right on to me. I wish my faith was stronger. I really want to be that kind of example to my kids.

Princess dresses with boots of any kind seem to be the fashion at our house too. Too Cute!

Holly said...

I definitely have some people in my life who just don't get it so I can relate. They don't realize the focus should be Carleigh and they think it should be other things. It really burns me.

Debbie said...

No wonder I am so drawn to you in blogland. Not only does your story touch my heart and you inspire me to be a better mom, but I too am a very private person who is selective in matters of the heart.
I also wish I had faith as strong as you. I'm working on it.
I know what you mean about others. I've experienced the same stuff as well. It's very hurtful and it did change how much energy I put in to those relationships now. I still love those that hurt me, it's just different now. I think what I leaned most from that experience was that we will always be disappointed by man, but God is ALWAYS faithful.

just jamie said...

I am LOVING your photos Misty. That new camera, with you behind the lens, is documenting some beautiful moments. Oh Olivia, sweet girl. :)

Faith. Hmmm... Why is it that we feel the quiet pulse of faith, and yet still cry out for the presence of something more? Faith is a gentle and constant reminder that we are not alone. And still, friends/family/neighbors/bloggers/strangers have a unique ability to TOUCH us and REACH OUT and MAKE US BELIEVE that we are loved. I hope you BELIEVE it.

I love you.
And Hannah.
And Ian.
And Olivia.
And Isaac.
(And even Andrew.) :)

Pokeyann said...

Hi, I love you! Sooo I had a really shity day today and then I read your blog and I miss you so much it hurts. So I have a plan, move here, the guy next door just got laid off so they may lose their house soon, so sell yours and move here, next to me. It will be awesome! And we live in a bubble that is doing much better than many parts of the country so Andrew can find work, I'm sure. Ah hell, just move in with me, k. Please, pretty please?! And God is good, He was the one I had as a child too. I still do, but His grace and love for me helped me survive too. When I look back I can't believe that I'm as o.k. as I am. It's all because of Him. I know he weeps with you, his heart breaks with you and his Spirit will heal you too, as always. Just by still believing and not turning from Him you have done very well. I'm so proud of you and I am so very, very thankful that you are in my life. P.S. the Church and the community out here are awesome, just saying, in case I can in any way convince you to be my neighbor ;)! Sorry for the novel, and it was only the skim of what I am thinking, lol. LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH!

The Girl Next Door said...

Your blog and your faith are an amazing gift and I thank you for sharing. I wish I could be near you and offer support - but instead I will be sure to reach out to those around me who need my support when I'm off doing my own thing and being selfish. I am trying to make this lenten season a time of renewal for my faith, and God has blessed me with you. I will pray for you and your family. The photos of your children are stupendous. I particularly like the one face shot of Ian holding the ball. He looks like a cherub.

Bloggy hugs to you.

Celia said...

Misty,
I completely understand what you are feeling. But, as my husband pointed out, it may have been my own doing that has made my friends keep their distance. I am like you in that I only have a very few close friends. I find it hard to get close to someone due to trust issues and, once I do, you will be my friend for life. So, because of this, my circle is quite small, only about 3-4 really good friends. And, honestly, they have been great at reaching out but trying to give me my space at the same time. I have told them that I will answer the phone when I feel good and not when I don't. I will accept their invitations to go somewhere so long as I feel I can handle it. They completely understand.

It is my family that I am actually struggling with. One of my family members knows no restrictive bounds when it comes to calling me and since I am really close to this person I usually answer no matter what. But she is taking this very, very hard and is venting her sadness and frustration on me (wait a min...who is going through this again?!). But I love her so I will endure. But there are a few other family members who I have not heard from AT ALL since we told them our news. It saddens me greatly. The people you thought you could most count on are now no longer there, whether it be from lack of ability or lack of compassion, though really it is probably that they just don't know what to say or do around us.
I continue to keep you and your family in my prayers and I can only hope that once Isaac is born that those same people holding back will come forth with an outpouring of love and support such that you have never seen or experienced before.
Also, I am absolutely loving your pics!! You do an awesome job!! Your kiddos are so very cute.
Hugs to you!! And God Bless!

I have a good life said...

Misty,

I am so sorry to hear how hard it has been/continues to be. I haven't been blogging for a while, so I had no idea. I do have lots of hugs (the cyber kind) and lots of prayers going your way. From all these comments, I can tell that you are very loved and you will be okay. It is just in the getting from here to there.

Hang in there. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

Holly said...

I don't even know you and I am in tears! Your post really is a reminder to me that regardless of what's going on in your own life, there are people that need you...especially in times of trial! I am so sorry that you feel alone (with the exception of God of course). I cannot comprehend the pain you feel, and have felt in your life! You must have such a strong spirit!!! I remember someone telling me about their son that was parapalegic (sp?). She said that the reason he was sent to their family in that condition was because his spirit was SO special that Christ wanted to preserve his innocense...so the world couldn't touch him. I belive that to be the case with your son as well! His spirit is SO pure and SO good that the evils of this world won't be able to touch him! He must have done something right in the pre-existence!!! I admire you! I admire your strength!

LaskiGal said...

Your faith . . . it inspires me. Your strength . . . it moves me.

The faces of your beautiful children . . .they make me smile.

I just want to hug them.

Hug you.

All this from a non-hugger. Who hugs. :)

imbeingheldhostage said...

Oh you sweet thing, I just came over from Laskigal and just in one post, I'm ready to bring you a meal. I am not going through anything like what you are facing, but I do know the isolation you feel when friends let you down. My Husband recently ranted to me how he felt one of my "friends" really dropped the ball with me when he deployed and I was shocked to hear myself saying, "This is a situation she has never experienced and she doesn't know how to, so she just disappeared-- I can't hate her for that". I imagine there are people all around you that are praying and hurting for you but really have no idea how to help. You are not alone (but you already know that by this inspirational post).
HUgs (from a stranger, is that icky?)

Jason, as himself said...

If I lived in your valley I would bring you:

-a big tray of enchiladas
-a pan of my famous Mexican rice
-gooey, cheesey refried beans

and then I'd plant myself on your couch and make you wish I'd go away.

I'm sorry you're not feeling the support that you need from your families and neighbors. That makes it just that much harder, I'm sure.

Rhondi said...

Hi Misty
I came to visit you from Marie's blog, A Year at Oak Cottage. What a trial you are going through. I can't imagine how difficult it is. I don't know why friends and family disappoint us at the time when we need them the most but they do. I Please don't listen to those people who say that if you have enough faith your baby will be will healed. Jesus had enough faith and yet God said "No" to his prayer in the garden. We can have all the faith in the world, but inthe end, God has last word.
All I know is he is a loving God and he cares about you and Isaac and He is there with you.
Hugs from a friend in blogland.
Rhondi