Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Faith-ing It Up.
Hannah riding Olivia's tricycle.
Olivia sporting mud from the garden.
Ian playing basketball.
Olivia's fashion statement.
Olivia making sure I think she's pretty. Although the child refuses to have her hair combed or wear matching clothing.
Boots, princess dress, and helmet. Ready for anything.
*Sigh*. I have been feeling very grumpy today. The following commentary isn't directed towards any specific person per-say, but it is something that is really pissing me off. I have been VERY disappointed in my support system, minus a few choice individuals. Shortly after I found out about Isaac, I called my girlfriend and cried. I told her I felt like this was something I was going to have to go through alone. She has suffered the loss of a child from Anencephaly, so she knows what it's like to be in my shoes, and was honest, and told me that it WAS something I was going to have to do alone. I believed her. And I still do. I would say that I am a very closed off person. It takes a long time to get close to me, and very few people ever do. It has greatly distressed me that even my close circle falls short. What is it with people not being able to follow through? No one calls. No one offers a meal. No one even emails. I can understand feeling uncomfortable about being in touch - - but through a computer?? Come on people. It ain't that hard. I find myself sitting here feeling irritated by the lack of response from even my family members, and I realize this is the type of trial that is going to make or break many relationships I have. It makes my heart break that I feel the need to retreat permanently from so many people. They are blowing it. This isn't the time to blow it, either. This is the most monumental trial I have ever had to face, and I'm facing it alone. I feel like if family and friends can't be here for me now, don't bother. Don't bother trying to wiggle in to see the baby when it's born, and certainly don't bother coming when I bury my child. Don't bother pretending there is something between us, when there isn't. Some times, no matter how uncomfortable a situation is, you can't run the other way. You stick it out because that is what it means to love some one. Even it you're floundering outside of your comfort zone. Because really? I am, too.
Andrew and I spoke a lot about faith earlier this week. From what I can piece together, he feels like it must be a lack of faith on our part, if our baby isn't healed. I understand his frustrations, and understand each person struggles with the in-justices of the world, in his or her own ways.
There is so much more to faith then asking and receiving. Faith is knowing God is there, even through the trials that bring us to our knees. Faith is submitting to the will of the Father, and finding a way to feel His love, when you feel He is far away. Faith is knowing God is there, even if the world should tell you He isn't.
I have suffered beatings, molestation, food restrictions, room confinement that lasted years. I didn't feel like God was punishing me. I knew better then that, even as a child. I knew having faith meant enduring, not wishing God would take all my suffering from me. With out pain there is no growth. I knew though, that if I had faith, God would provide a way to ease my suffering as much as He could, and He did. I was prompted as a small child, at the age of three, to KNOW with out a doubt that what this certain man was doing to me was wrong. I found him naked in his bed, he pulled the sheets back, and asked me to join him. I knew then and there to say NO. I turned and left his bedroom. He never made another advance again. That is a perfect example of God watching out for his own child. Soon after that, we were taken from his home. I knew when I was 10 or 11 that I was a child of God, that something bigger then myself existed, even if I couldn't comprehend it. Faith is knowing God will show you a way, His way.
I can say that I have never doubted in God, or His plan. There have been times I haven't felt his presence as much as I desired, but I knew he hadn't forsaken me. I know now this child has come to us in such a way that will ensure his safe arrival back into God's arms shortly after birth. I have been asked to be a part of this plan for this child, and I oblige, with as much heartache, soul searching, and pain that comes along with it. Friends, God is good. God is true, and God knows, and facilitates a plan which is best for us, whether we drag our feet along the way. Have faith. Be true to that faith. Crawl, walk, run, sprint through the journey with Him, and dare to have faith that he is beside you, along the way.