Sunday, January 25, 2009

Living through his Mama.


Living through Mama, 24 weeks.

My heart aches so. I feel grief in it's fullest form, in every part of my life. I was speaking with my sweet husband about our baby, and I explained to him that I feel frustrated because not only do we miss out on bringing this infant home with us, we miss out on a life time of raising this child as our son. All the years. All of it. It seems so unfair. Isn't the deal that if you are willing to sacrifice your body for 9 months, you get a baby in return? Some where along the way, I signed the wrong dotted line. I must have been a really stupid soul in the spirit world, volunteering for a life time of suffering. Any one willing to have both of your biological parents abandon you? I am! Any one willing to be abused and molested? I am, sign me up for that as well! Any one willing to be then adopted into a home where your parents hate you, in-prison you, smack you around, tell you are worthless?? Sure! Add that to the list! Are you freaking kidding me? And now THIS? Can't Father In Heaven figure out that I've had enough. Like, a long time ago? And yet, here we are, loving this child any way. Thinking of his birth, dreaming of minutes, hours with him. Hours?? This is what I've come to? I've been having relentless nightmares the past couple nights. One after another, after another, after another. All of them are about the baby. Most of them I can't remember in detail, but each time I wake up, I am more and more exhausted then before. I began shopping for the baby Saturday. I made it though a few displays, and I felt my eyes fill blurry with tears, and I began to sob. I hid my face in the coat until I could bite my lip hard enough to stop crying, and on we went. I showed my purchases to my girlfriend, and she gently asked if I felt any better, and I shouted NO, beginning to sob again, This is not how it is supposed to be!! She touched my arm. She understood. In many ways I feel grateful having this time to prepare. I know what lies ahead. I know my arms will be empty when I head home from the hospital. I know my family, in appearance will remain the same, until some later time. I know all these things, and feel that, some how, God gives me just a taste of the grief, a little bit at a time, until he knows I can shoulder more.

17 comments:

Kat said...

My continued prayers for you. I just can't imagine how difficult this is.
Again, I am so sorry I am late in catching up with you. And I am so sorry for your pain.

Ashley said...

I wish there was something I could do to help carry a bit of your burden. It really doesn't seem fair for one person to have to carry so much. The only thing I can think is you are so much more STRONGER than I will ever be.

He who was favored among men suffered all.

Gavin said...

Ah girl, how much I love you. I wish I could help shoulder the load.

Kami said...

Misty, your faith is admirable because if you life was mine, I would be a bitter, bitter soul. I completely agree, you have had WAY more than your share of burden to bear.


It makes me angry and tests my faith.

Honestly.

So you? Your faith? Is inspirational to me.

I am here, always thinking of you and praying for your strength to endure this.
xoxoxoxo

Lara said...

((hugs)) to you Misty. I wish I could give you a real one. You are so amazing. And I don't think anyone expects you to get through this without the roller coaster of emotion you are going through. But you are an inspiration to many of us in your faith as you bear this burden.

Anonymous said...

Misty Hon, you have been dealt a cruddy hand. You have taken it with a smile and trudged on.... you are the strongest woman I know. I too wish I could be there to give you a hug or that I could take away some of this pain you are feeling. It is not fair for one person to have deal with these kinds of things.... certainly not all of them. I love you. ~ Brookie~

Dani said...

I am praying for you. I believe that God can do miracles. I am praying specifically that he heals your precious baby and that he will live a long life with you. I am praying that he chooses to use this baby as tool to show the world his amazing love. I am praying that he blesses you far more then you thought possible. Just know...I am praying!

~Dani

Eliot's Mom said...

Sweet Misty,
I find you absolutely courageous for shopping for your sweet baby, for going to bed at night knowing you'll probably have those awful dreams, for getting up each day, for loving your son, for going on. Wish I could be there to sob with you. My heart is with you. Love, love, LOVE your picture. And I love you.
Monica

Allie Garcia said...

Your story breaks my heart and puts it back together again. Your children are beautiful and your strength is incredible. I am only 23 and I pray for the day that I will be the kind of woman that you are. I found your blog through Angie's and I hope that you have found comfort in knowing that you, your family, and sweet angel Isaac are not alone. You are being covered in prayer, even by strangers. I have been through some of the things that you mentioned in this entry, and know only that God will use it as a testimony. He has done that in my life, and I am confident that He will do it in yours. I can't wait to see the many many souls that will find hope in Christ through the love you have displayed on this blog and through the life of your sweet baby.

Liz said...

I just found your blog this morning and I wanted to let you know that I am praying that God would fill your heart with peace and strength as you travel this road. Blessings to you.

anna said...

i found your blog through "bring the rain" and i am praying for you and your family right now. you will continue to be on my heart and i will raise you up to Jesus. i pray that He will give you peace, endurance and strength every moment of the day.
romans 8:28-39

28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
31What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."[l] 37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Danielle-lee said...

My dear. My dear Misty. I am so sorry. YES, in my opinion, you have shouldered MORE than your share. You are so strong. You have been through so much. I do not understand why you are being given more, but you are. I am here for you. I am praying for you.

Jen said...

Hey--still thinking of you. I thought of you today when I read this blog accordingtolei.blogspot.com

I thought it was touching, sort of a tribute to all moms everywhere, through the good & the bad.

Hang in there.

Mommy, the Human Napkin said...

I saw your comment at Angie's blog and just had to come over here and let you know that I am adding you to my prayer list. It's heartbreaking to read your story and I can't imagine what you must be feeling. So I just wanted to let you know I'll be praying for you and your sweet family, and I'll be coming back over here to check on you, too.

Amy said...

"God gives me just a taste of the grief, a little bit at a time, until he knows I can shoulder more." That hits me at the core. You are so right. Thank you, my love.

Anonymous said...

I also saw your comment on Bring the Rain. There are no words.
We have added you and your precious son to our prayer list.
Please let me know if there is anything I can do from afar.
Debbie

LaskiGal said...

Misty, all I want to do is hug you. That's all.

My prayers continue while you and your family remain in my thoughts.