Monday, January 19, 2009

Angry.

I feel angry tonight. I feel angry my children have grief in their eyes, and that I cannot take it from them. I feel angry that I am not having a healthy baby, and that my baby will die. I feel angry that tomorrow the kids go back to school, Andrew back to work, and I’m going to be alone. I feel angry that I have 10 loads of laundry to do, and that there is not one room in the house that is clean. I am angry that I feel alone. I feel angry that in all reality this is something that I have to face by myself, along with my husband and children. I feel mad that I have to find out how to live through the next 17 weeks. I am angry that I don’t get to prepare for this child in the way I had dreamed. I feel angry that I now look at other mothers with their infants or round bellies and know I won’t get to raise my child. I feel angry with God, and I feel angry with myself that I cannot fix this.

11 comments:

Kami said...

Be angry Misty, you have every right. Every right.

BIG HUGS for you. Wish I could give them to you in person and let you yell at me to get out your anger.

just jamie said...

I'm with Kami: Be angry, love.

Michal Ann said...

Dear dear Misty, I hate to hear that you feel alone. I hated to think of you leaving the hospital alone to try to find your way to your husband's work. You don't know me at all but please know my heart and prayers go out to you. THANK YOU for writing. It is a privilege to share a bit of your pain. I'd like to email if you would like. (I don't have a blog.)

Love, Michal

immichal@yahoo.com

Marie said...

You have every right to be angry Misty. (((hugs)))

Lindsey said...

I'll read every little word you write. I'll cry with you and I'll be angry with you, but most of all, I will pray for you. Love to you my sweet friend!

Charity said...

You have every right be angry. Express your anger in what is helpful for you - writing, crying, praying, etc. I love you!

Amy said...

I'm here. Thinking of you. Wishing I was there, doing your laundry, making your dinner.. the way I wished someone could have done for me when I was grieving for my own son... OH WHY do I have to be SO far away?! I LOVE you!

Gavin said...

I love you.

Mandy said...

Be PISSED girl. Feel what you want, but if you want to be angry than do it, because God understands. It is completely unfair what you are going through...and I love you so much, and just wish I could be there with you to try and help. XOXO...its times like this we feel so far away from eachother.

Danielle-lee said...

Yes, by all means, you can be angry. And God will forgive. After all the anger, rage, depression, etc., I pray that light, peace, and hope rise out of the ashes for you.
I wish I could be there to clean your house, do your laundry, read to your kiddos, hug you, cry with you....
I will do it in spirit, dear, even though that's not the same at all.
*hugs*

Kat said...

It is perfectly right for you to be angry. I am angry for you. Life is so unfair.