Monday, January 19, 2009
I feel angry tonight. I feel angry my children have grief in their eyes, and that I cannot take it from them. I feel angry that I am not having a healthy baby, and that my baby will die. I feel angry that tomorrow the kids go back to school, Andrew back to work, and I’m going to be alone. I feel angry that I have 10 loads of laundry to do, and that there is not one room in the house that is clean. I am angry that I feel alone. I feel angry that in all reality this is something that I have to face by myself, along with my husband and children. I feel mad that I have to find out how to live through the next 17 weeks. I am angry that I don’t get to prepare for this child in the way I had dreamed. I feel angry that I now look at other mothers with their infants or round bellies and know I won’t get to raise my child. I feel angry with God, and I feel angry with myself that I cannot fix this.