Friday, January 9, 2009

Honestly?

I think honesty is the best policy. For sure. But, it kind of sucks when it turns around to bite you in the ass. Or heart. What ever you fancy.

For example. Christmas Eve. This comment: "Okay, we're out of your life." Direct quote, copy and pasted from an email I got from my father! Creating boundaries after living in an abusive home? Didn't work. Won't ever work. But I do admit it stung a little bit. I think part of that little girl in me has always hoped some day... maybe some day.... I'd receive that love I've always wanted from parents. FAT chance. But. On a lighter note, my hands are washed of them. Forever.

Moving on.....

Now, what happens if you're placed in a situation with some one you really love?? She's older then you. Much older. Kinda like your suto Mama. And then. You have to be honest. She's kind of losing it. You have disagreement. She says she's saying "goodbye to you for good". Nice. Smooth. But it makes me feel sad. Am I seriously destined to have, what, 2 or 3 people from my biological family in my life? No more then that? Ever?

And then.

Being honest with yourself. Happy New Year everybody. I have a lot of goals, but the most important one: my goal isn't to attend church, or reading my scriptures, it's not losing weight, although all of those are swell choices. I want to develop the more softer side in myself and develop greater patience and love for my children. I want to develop the ability to pick my battles as a mother, and learn to let the little stuff go. Like this morning. Did I have to yell because Ian lost his homework folder and threw a fit. Did I have to yell at Hannah for losing her winter clothing and being sassy? I want to nurture the better mother in myself. That's what I want for 2009. Because really? 2008 kinda sucked for me. I back slid a LOT. I can forgive myself for a bad year, if I can put a really good one under my belt this year.

And writing? Blogging??

Seems like I have to do it. Whether any one reads or not.

So here we are 2009. Being brutally honest. Watching my children grow, and getting ready to welcome our 4th child into the family in May. Kinda takes my breath away some days.

Walk with me. Down my less traveled road.

7 comments:

Kami said...

Right here beside you girl. I am so sorry that your bio family continues to dish you out the hurt. Gosh, wouldn't peace be nice?

:)

Missed your posts!

Lara said...

I am sorry about your family. So hard.

As far as your resolution goes, I love it! I think it's something most of us need to work on. I certainly do!

Thorny Tree Lady said...

As I have had to either cut people out of my life or sit by as they choose to cut themseleves out, I've had to realize that my primary responsibility is to care for my immediate family - myself, my husband, and my children. It's taken the sting out of it all, because I see the opportunity for hope and growth through my future with them. Good for you on your resolution - you'll be much happier than you imagined!

Kat said...

Sounds like a lovely resolution and a great way to start out 2009. :)

Ashley said...

I think that is a great resolution. I really need to be more patient with my kids. I want to teach them patience, but I guess I need to be a better example.

Eliot's Mom said...

Here, here to being done with '08. Let's move on . . . quickly!! So sorry about your family. Nothing more painful, that I know.

And as for your resolution. Can't think of anything better or anything more important. Go get 'em girl, and I WILL be with you on your road less traveled.

Marie said...

I've been checking in frequently to see if you have written anything. I am so sorry that you have had to deal with yet more crap from loved ones. I love your resolve for 2009. At the end of the day, your own little family is all that's really important in the scheme of things. Alls you can do is your best Misty. I look back on the years I was bringing up my babies and I think to myself, I shoulda done this, or I coulda done that, but I know I did the best I knew how to do. Sure I made mistakes, but my kids love me and they grew up to be great people. Nothng else matters.