I sat up for a while last night, after venting my anger to the world, and I decided that I have got to find a way a start bonding with my child, in despite of all of the whirlwind feelings that inhabit my heart right now. I started a letter to my baby, and will write to him often. And I started calling my unborn child by name, which has been a little difficult for me. It's hard speaking his name knowing he will live only a short time. I also decided that I have the right and ability to prepare for my baby. Of course I won't be preparing in the same way that I would for a child that God has given the ability to live on this earth, but I can prepare to honor him, cherish him, and love him. I am going to buy some wooden blocks - 3 of them - - and order some lettering as his initials that I can keep on a shelf in the living room. I thought of picture frames I want to buy, outfits I need to think about. And my best idea yet? I was given a beautiful white crocheted blanket today. I will use this blanket at the hospital for my sweet love, and then I am going to convert the blanket into a pillow cover, that I can keep on my bed, with me, especially during the lonely nights ahead.
I wasn't quite with it today. This was the first day the kids were in school, and Andrew went off to work. I dropped Andrew off and called my girlfriend and she planned 2 hours to come be with me. Because she was here, I was able to get the house picked up, I'd say, 70%. She cleaned 60%, I did 10. The last little bit I feel like I can finish tonight. Lisa told me to sort laundry, so I did. I sorted out 2 loads of wash for the kids - - they have clothes for the week. I did a load of whites - we have socks, underpants, all the essentials. I did one load for Andrew and I, we have clothes for the week, as well. I have about 5 loads left to wash, but nothing is pressing because we're set for the week. My goal is to wash and fold one load each day, getting caught up. Baby steps, you know??
And last, my gift of the day, was knowing how blessed we are to have teachers for our children that love and cherish them. I emailed Ian and Hannah's teachers today, asking how they were doing, and this one of their responses:
"Today she shared with us her Build a Bear. She seemed good and said she got the bear because it would help her not to be so sad about her baby brother. I'm glad she felt she was able to share this information with the class. I know this disappointment may manifest itself in different ways so I will be aware of any changes I see and let you know how she is doing. She was in good spirits but obviously not her usual bubbly, happy self. I felt she was being quite brave and confident today as she was able to follow directions and get her work done as usual.
How are YOU doing? My prayers are with your family. Don't worry about the homework. I will mark that she got it done. She is a good, honest student and I am not worried about her homework at this time. Taking care of your family's needs is your top priority right now and I am here to help. May you feel the love of the Savior through this time of trial. I love Hannah and will do whatever you feel is best for her.
Mrs. Lovely "
We could not ask for more for our children. They are in good hands during the day at school, and I have time to figure out how life will go on.