It's a funny thing when all of a sudden there's much more to think about then you had intended... wanted... cared for..... you get the drift. Some days I'd like to be left alone. With out my thoughts. For just one day.
My grandparents are coming to visit on Tuesday. I have to cram in cleaning before they come. Cram in meal planning, grocery shopping, laundry, and yard work. Not to mention the fine dance of getting in work hours ahead of time, so I can enjoy their few days with me.
They are my "real" grandparents. Ya know... my blood. When my mother was the last to abandon us, they raised us for a few years, actually for 70% of the first 6 years of my little life. They're part mom and dad to me. Which is complicated in itself, because I crave that love from them, but I'm not necessarily sure they want to give it. Maybe they do, but it's certainly on their own terms.
I remember when we were adopted out, pulling out of the drive way, feeling as though my heart had been torn from my chest. Felt as though they ran over that, too, driving down the road... a little piece of my heart here, a pebble in the road there. I remember the heart ache I felt. It physically hurt me. I missed them so. I cried night after night. I shoved any thing that reminded me of them under my bed, in the closet. I felt as though I could barely stand it. I didn't think I could bare it. And. Of Course. Neither could my "new" parents. They called my grandparents. They said they didn't want me, it was too hard, they needed to take me back. That didn't go over well. And yet, there we stayed. If only I knew the abuse to come, maybe I would have cried harder. Pleaded to be rescued.
As long as I can remember, my grandmother still clutches me to her when ever it's time to say goodbye. Same drill. Every. Single. Time. She cries. I cry. I feel like that little girl again. It hurts. It takes my breath away. I spend part of my visit with them dreading the farewells. I can barely stand it. That little girl will always be a part of me. Always. Why?
Perhaps I should try to be-friend her again. That little girl in me. Maybe this time it won't be so hard. Maybe this time we can do it together.