Thursday, August 28, 2008

Walk with me.

It's a funny thing when all of a sudden there's much more to think about then you had intended... wanted... cared for..... you get the drift. Some days I'd like to be left alone. With out my thoughts. For just one day.

My grandparents are coming to visit on Tuesday. I have to cram in cleaning before they come. Cram in meal planning, grocery shopping, laundry, and yard work. Not to mention the fine dance of getting in work hours ahead of time, so I can enjoy their few days with me.

They are my "real" grandparents. Ya know... my blood. When my mother was the last to abandon us, they raised us for a few years, actually for 70% of the first 6 years of my little life. They're part mom and dad to me. Which is complicated in itself, because I crave that love from them, but I'm not necessarily sure they want to give it. Maybe they do, but it's certainly on their own terms.

I remember when we were adopted out, pulling out of the drive way, feeling as though my heart had been torn from my chest. Felt as though they ran over that, too, driving down the road... a little piece of my heart here, a pebble in the road there. I remember the heart ache I felt. It physically hurt me. I missed them so. I cried night after night. I shoved any thing that reminded me of them under my bed, in the closet. I felt as though I could barely stand it. I didn't think I could bare it. And. Of Course. Neither could my "new" parents. They called my grandparents. They said they didn't want me, it was too hard, they needed to take me back. That didn't go over well. And yet, there we stayed. If only I knew the abuse to come, maybe I would have cried harder. Pleaded to be rescued.

As long as I can remember, my grandmother still clutches me to her when ever it's time to say goodbye. Same drill. Every. Single. Time. She cries. I cry. I feel like that little girl again. It hurts. It takes my breath away. I spend part of my visit with them dreading the farewells. I can barely stand it. That little girl will always be a part of me. Always. Why?

Perhaps I should try to be-friend her again. That little girl in me. Maybe this time it won't be so hard. Maybe this time we can do it together.


LaskiGal said...

That little girl. She's part of you. You need her. She needs you.

Embrace her . . . every part of her.

I can't say for sure. I don't know them . . . but I can hazard a guess and say that in my heart, I believe they love you more than anything. The tears say it all . . .

Holly said...

Wish I could give you a hug right now! Listen to Laskigal, that little girl is part of you. And, I think she's right. I'm sure your grandparents love you and probably feel their own amount of guilt for their part in what happened.

Good luck next week!

Amy said...

I agree! I can't imagine you not being friend with everyone. I hope you enjoy your vist - be stron.

just jamie said...

Oh Misty. Hope it's all going well. Knowing that your kids will never have to endure what you did ... brings a little bit of sunshine into the picture.

It's okay to hug, and hold on, and cry. Just wish you had that every day of your life.

Kami said...

Oh honey, I hate that this is your childhood... it breaks my heart a little each time to know what you endured.

I agree with Laskigirl...they do love you and maybe your grandmother knows that it was all a mistake and she would take it back if she could.

I also agree with Jamie, knowing that you are giving your kids everything that you didn't have somehow makes the picture a little less bleak.

Have a wonderful visit with them and embrace that little girl inside you that hurts so very much. Maybe in doing that you will find a little healing.

Love you!

Marie said...

The past is not something we can change, as much as we would like to. All we can do is to try to keep it from tainting our future and robbing our futures of the joy we so richly deserve. I do hope that you have a lovely time with your grandparents and are able to lie some ghosts from the past to rest. Praying for you as always and wishing you only the best.

Lindsey said...

Saying a I type. Hope it goes well:)

PokeyAnn said...

I know. That's the best way I can say it, I know. I share your eternal hope, that one day, someone will scoop up that little girl and cover her kisses and hugs and shouts of I love you! Just like we do with our own kids. I've decided that ache won't go away until I'm on the other side and Heavenly Father scoops up that little girl and finally gives her, her deepest wish; a parent that was always there, a parent that loves us unconditionally. And I can wait for that, I can wait the rest of my life for that moment. Also not expecting it to happen here in the now, makes it a bit more bearable a load to carry. And the knowledge that my child(ren) will never know that ache, will never comprehend it or experience it, never. Ginormous hugs and loves!

Anonymous said...

I agree: maybe your grandma is full of guilt. wishes she could take it back, take YOU back.
I am still sorry you have had to go thru this. Over and over.
Be strong for the little girl in you.