Liking me.

The last year has been my largest trial to walk through. I've been changed for the better, and some for the worst. Maybe even a lot for the worst. I was talking with some good friends tonight, and I found myself exclaiming "I like myself". I've been through a lot in my life. I've suffered many things. I've had to live a lot of things down. And because of this, I was born into this world with a very particular personality. I have some traits that I don't like about myself. I'm not very tactful. I'm a fighter. Sometimes I say too much. I'm not as gentle as I would like to be. I'm blunt to the point of fault. I came into this world with a really hard side. I had to. It's the only way I could have survived the abuse I endured for many years.

While I was carrying Isaac, and while I knew he would die, I was blessed by God to be able to put my best self forward. I felt calm. I felt a lot of tenderness towards my baby, and my older children. I felt a sense of purpose. I knew I was fulfilling a special calling for this heavenly child.

I've passed through some rough roads, on this journey we call grief. The harder parts of myself - - - the defiant, the stubborn, the angry parts of my personality are more in the forefront again. I'm tired. I feel beaten down. My patience have dwindled. I say things I should not. I say things that don't make sense to someone else, but in those words, I'm attempting to protect myself. I made it through the dead baby. Actually, I'm STILL making it through. And on top of that, I have miscarried twice. The losses keep piling up. I'm buckling.

As I exclaimed those words tonight "I like myself!!". I meant them. I'm not my best self right now, but I'm me. I've done the best that I can, and I am comfortable in my own skin. I know my faults, and I know my weaknesses. I'm painfully aware of the areas I need to improve upon. But. In the end. I'm ok with me. The good, the bad, the ugly. There are those that love me, and will be patient with me, and there are those that love me, but can't be. And that's ok, too. What they cannot give me, I can give myself: I am going to (more fully love) myself. I'm going to be more kind to myself. I'm going to be more patient with myself. Because, this too, some how, will pass.


*I've re-set my blog settings. Commenting is allowed.

Immeasurable amounts of time.

I'm sitting here sporting a nice sun burn, and thinking about all the things I've been planning to blog about after taking a few weeks off, and I got nothing. Nada. Zip. Some things seem too personal, and other things, not personal enough. I have struggled with blogging for the last year. I feel like my blog has become a way for some friends to keep tabs on how I'm doing without actually doing the work to find out themselves. You know. Because it's like. Hard. To call. Or email. Because everyone knows I need space. And. I'm bitchy and moody, so who wants to check in with THAT, right?? After all, sometimes I'm not giving off the warm and fuzzy vibe. And like. I should be over my dead baby and miscarriages by now. Right??

Blogging is for me, I guess. Most of my friendships have really dwindled off. Mostly because of my own doing, and also because I'm just not that Misty people want to invest in right now. I remember beginning the walk down this road after I found out Isaac would die. I remember thinking to myself, this will be something that makes or breaks many of my relationships. And sadly enough, it's something that's broken most. The sting of my son's death stays in a passer by's memory for a few weeks, maybe even a few months, and then little by little, people move on. And I am still stuck in this place. And really, what I have found out, is many people have promised to be there for me. And they can't. Life gets in the way. School. Work. Kids. Husbands. Family. This is something I have ended up doing on my own.

And now. After two miscarriages. I find myself caring about little outside of my own children, their needs, and my husband. I buried a dead kid. I tried for something new. That dies, too. I try to be brave, move on again, I lose that pregnancy piece by piece over 7 or 8 days a couple weeks ago. And now. Now what? I don't know if there will be more children for us. I don't know what why my goals are, or my dreams. I don't know what I'm made of. I don't really know what I have left to give or can stand to lose again. Family members have fallen away. Most of my friends have. It's just me. Me and this mess, and immeasurable amounts of time to figure it out.

Miscarriages are my thing.

I started bleeding yesterday.

Today my beta test came out horrible. 108. I should be 2000.

I'll get caught up on my giveaways as soon as I can.



Misty

Getting a grip.

This is what I know. For me. Pregnant is better than not pregnant. But I have to tell you, the worry is almost consuming me. I want to be happy, and I want to believe and have faith that God will deliver to us a screaming, pink, healthy newborn, but the fear of the opposite is so strong. Miscarrying is in nearly my every thought. I am obsessing over pregnancy symptoms or lack there of. I worry if I’m strong enough to swing another loss. This should not be a miserable time for me, but it is. It really, really is. I am living proof newborns dies, pregnancies end, infertility happens. That is not every woman’s truth, but it’s mine.

There is nothing more the Adversary wants than for me to feel beaten down and hopeless. He wants me to believe this pregnancy is over before it’s had a chance to start. He wants me to feel like this is a lost cause. But. In fact. God can create this child for us. His plan is greater than my own. God knows our needs and broken hearts. I need to focus on what He has given me: THREE beautiful, living children. A good man. Steady and solid income. A safe and comfortable home. Health. Love. All of those things outweigh the bad. All of those things outweigh the possibility of loss. And with this possibility of great loss, we have the possibility of great hope. I need to try to focus on what is sitting in front of me instead of worrying myself sick over a pregnancy I cannot control. I cannot control the outcome. I can control how I love and live within my own life.

So for today, Satan can piss off. I have got to find away to get a hold of myself. This isn’t working for me, what I’m doing right now.

The below giveaway ends TOMORROW, midnight. Enter if you want a chance to win.

Ya'll better have a look:

Above is my Mothers Day gift this year. It's on it's way to my home, Andrew's going to wrap it, I'm going to un-wrap it, and wear it everywhere. I love it that much.

During one of our marathon conversations Celia and I poured over this jewelry. I decided I had to have it, and I was thrilled to find something so darling that would include all my children. Funny tidbit: I added the dragonfly and the butterfly to symbolize the children I hoped to birth (and raise) the future. I had no idea I was pregnant. I chose Isaac's birthstone to accompany their charms as any child that comes to our family after him is because of him. This is my way of holding a little bit of heaven close to my heart. My children are my treasures. I know and love each and every one of them, before and after they've joined our family.


Now, onto the BEST part. Kristi from Bugaboo Jewelry is giving away this darling locket. This is what I need from you, for a chance to win. Please leave me a comment about who you would remember this locket with. And by all means, check her OUT!! She is a sweetheart beyond words, and is super dedicated to creating a custom, personalized piece, for each and every customer. Not only that, her prices are outstanding. She offers a great selection for the best prices, and believe me, I've shopped around!!! This giveaway ends on May 4th, midnight, so get commenting, and good luck!!!

Water, Giveaways, My Faith Baby, Privacy, and Puppy Dogs.

Spring's in the air. Once the weather hits 70 degrees, the water toys are broken out, and here we go!! I can barely stand the cuteness.





Below is Lily. Lily plays, Lily kisses, Lily cuddles, Lily barks, Lily pees in the house...... I bought her because I needed a baby, and when I loaded her into the cars as my kids shrieked in happiness, I told Andrew that now that I bought a puppy, I'd get pregnant. It worked. I'm pregnant!!! I found out Sunday.









I utterly suck at giveaways. But I have to make them work because I have an awesome opportunity that is well worth the effort. Stayed tuned in the next post.

Before we get to that, I'm not aware that anyone posted about one of my best friends AMY at Modest Barbie . Ya'll could have one won a free outfit!! You can still get a discount, just mention my blog.

Also, the last time I was pregnant I had a giveaway for a pregnancy loss and remembrance bracelet. I miscarried. I disappeared. I now have a WINNER, though: Shelly, from "Seriously, Shelly"! Girl, please get in touch with me! You won!!! Better late then never.... right???!!!

Alright, Ladies, I'm a little afraid to tell you this. But. I can't go to a private status. I know. I'm insane. I own it. My friends tell me it all the time. But. It's too much work. I have to tell you though, I had so many lovely emails and requests to be included. I was seriously touched by the love floating around, out there, just for me!! Thank you, dear friends.

Now. Another thing. If I know you in real life, and even if I don't. If you blab my business I will deny, deny, deny. Especially AT CHURCH. So please don't. Really. And If I get asked questions, especially is I am PREGNANT, I'll kindly let some one know I decline to talk about my private business. I'd really not like to be put in that situation, so please just don't. Please keep my secrets safe, pretty please. And that goes for family, too. That's a huge no no. Please just let me have my dorky blog and let me include family and friends, in person, at the proper time. My lips are sealed, that is, unless you read it here.

So. Pregnant. Again. I am over the moon. And over the moon scared. Really, really, R E A L L Y scared. My focus is on trying to enjoy, and on trying to push the negative energy aside. This really could be a beautiful thing for our family. I'm choosing to embrace it: a faith promoting pregnancy, a faith promoting miracle in a new child.

You might wanna pay attention to this.......

Meet one of my very best friends: Amy Schmutz. Also meet one of her most beautiful children, Jacob:

Sweet Jacob was born 5 years ago on March 30th. He was born with Anencephaly, like my Isaac was, and died minutes later. She is a woman I can relate to, laugh with, cry with, scream with. I am blessed to have her in my life.

She is one hell of a creative cookie. She's started her own business. She sews trendy MODEST Barbie clothes. You can buy what she has, or she makes custom ordered outfits.

Because she is a DOLL, you can visit her website http://modestbarbie.blogspot.com/ and receive a 15% discount if you mention you read about her on my blog.

Also - - - for a chance to win a FREE outfit, and a 20% discount, post about her business on YOUR blog. Leave me a comment so I can verify said post, and I will put your name in a drawing. You have until the 16th to enter, at which I'll let you know who won.