I'm sitting here sporting a nice sun burn, and thinking about all the things I've been planning to blog about after taking a few weeks off, and I got nothing. Nada. Zip. Some things seem too personal, and other things, not personal enough. I have struggled with blogging for the last year. I feel like my blog has become a way for some friends to keep tabs on how I'm doing without actually doing the work to find out themselves. You know. Because it's like. Hard. To call. Or email. Because everyone knows I need space. And. I'm bitchy and moody, so who wants to check in with THAT, right?? After all, sometimes I'm not giving off the warm and fuzzy vibe. And like. I should be over my dead baby and miscarriages by now. Right??
Blogging is for me, I guess. Most of my friendships have really dwindled off. Mostly because of my own doing, and also because I'm just not that Misty people want to invest in right now. I remember beginning the walk down this road after I found out Isaac would die. I remember thinking to myself, this will be something that makes or breaks many of my relationships. And sadly enough, it's something that's broken most. The sting of my son's death stays in a passer by's memory for a few weeks, maybe even a few months, and then little by little, people move on. And I am still stuck in this place. And really, what I have found out, is many people have promised to be there for me. And they can't. Life gets in the way. School. Work. Kids. Husbands. Family. This is something I have ended up doing on my own.
And now. After two miscarriages. I find myself caring about little outside of my own children, their needs, and my husband. I buried a dead kid. I tried for something new. That dies, too. I try to be brave, move on again, I lose that pregnancy piece by piece over 7 or 8 days a couple weeks ago. And now. Now what? I don't know if there will be more children for us. I don't know what why my goals are, or my dreams. I don't know what I'm made of. I don't really know what I have left to give or can stand to lose again. Family members have fallen away. Most of my friends have. It's just me. Me and this mess, and immeasurable amounts of time to figure it out.