This is what I know. For me. Pregnant is better than not pregnant. But I have to tell you, the worry is almost consuming me. I want to be happy, and I want to believe and have faith that God will deliver to us a screaming, pink, healthy newborn, but the fear of the opposite is so strong. Miscarrying is in nearly my every thought. I am obsessing over pregnancy symptoms or lack there of. I worry if I’m strong enough to swing another loss. This should not be a miserable time for me, but it is. It really, really is. I am living proof newborns dies, pregnancies end, infertility happens. That is not every woman’s truth, but it’s mine.
There is nothing more the Adversary wants than for me to feel beaten down and hopeless. He wants me to believe this pregnancy is over before it’s had a chance to start. He wants me to feel like this is a lost cause. But. In fact. God can create this child for us. His plan is greater than my own. God knows our needs and broken hearts. I need to focus on what He has given me: THREE beautiful, living children. A good man. Steady and solid income. A safe and comfortable home. Health. Love. All of those things outweigh the bad. All of those things outweigh the possibility of loss. And with this possibility of great loss, we have the possibility of great hope. I need to try to focus on what is sitting in front of me instead of worrying myself sick over a pregnancy I cannot control. I cannot control the outcome. I can control how I love and live within my own life.
So for today, Satan can piss off. I have got to find away to get a hold of myself. This isn’t working for me, what I’m doing right now.
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