The last year has been my largest trial to walk through. I've been changed for the better, and some for the worst. Maybe even a lot for the worst. I was talking with some good friends tonight, and I found myself exclaiming "I like myself". I've been through a lot in my life. I've suffered many things. I've had to live a lot of things down. And because of this, I was born into this world with a very particular personality. I have some traits that I don't like about myself. I'm not very tactful. I'm a fighter. Sometimes I say too much. I'm not as gentle as I would like to be. I'm blunt to the point of fault. I came into this world with a really hard side. I had to. It's the only way I could have survived the abuse I endured for many years.
While I was carrying Isaac, and while I knew he would die, I was blessed by God to be able to put my best self forward. I felt calm. I felt a lot of tenderness towards my baby, and my older children. I felt a sense of purpose. I knew I was fulfilling a special calling for this heavenly child.
I've passed through some rough roads, on this journey we call grief. The harder parts of myself - - - the defiant, the stubborn, the angry parts of my personality are more in the forefront again. I'm tired. I feel beaten down. My patience have dwindled. I say things I should not. I say things that don't make sense to someone else, but in those words, I'm attempting to protect myself. I made it through the dead baby. Actually, I'm STILL making it through. And on top of that, I have miscarried twice. The losses keep piling up. I'm buckling.
As I exclaimed those words tonight "I like myself!!". I meant them. I'm not my best self right now, but I'm me. I've done the best that I can, and I am comfortable in my own skin. I know my faults, and I know my weaknesses. I'm painfully aware of the areas I need to improve upon. But. In the end. I'm ok with me. The good, the bad, the ugly. There are those that love me, and will be patient with me, and there are those that love me, but can't be. And that's ok, too. What they cannot give me, I can give myself: I am going to (more fully love) myself. I'm going to be more kind to myself. I'm going to be more patient with myself. Because, this too, some how, will pass.
*I've re-set my blog settings. Commenting is allowed.