Sunday, November 1, 2009

Hiding out.

I’ve been struggling with the right words to write – the right topics to share – the right depth of honesty to bring to the table.

I’ll admit I’ve been frustrated. I’ve been frustrated with the lack of understanding from person to person. The struggle to get pregnant is a very personal one. For someone to tell me to “be positive” about it is offensive. They don’t know my inner struggle with intimacy. They don’t know how desperate I feel about having another child. Trying to get pregnant after losing a child is different than plain old trying to get pregnant. Trying to get pregnant WITH fertility issues is different than trying to get pregnant without. Having gotten pregnant easily, right after your baby died, is different than waiting now 7 months to become pregnant after your baby died. Trying for 18 months, is different than trying for 7. It’s a touchy subject for me. I don’t necessarily want someone else’s opinion. You read that right - - I DON’T.

I don’t like to be asked if I’m pregnant yet. I don’t like someone to ask where I am in my cycle or treatment process. Looking back over the last couple months has made me evaluate how much I want to share – what is too much, and what is too little. I think it all really boils down to how I feel about it - - if I want someone to know about it, I’ll share. Otherwise, don’t bother bringing it up. Like it isn’t a smack in the face?? Like it’s your business??

I’m starting to feel more excited for the holidays. My heartache is so heavy and constant over Isaac being dead, but we’re finding ways to include him. He’s mine. He’s unique, he’s real. I would have done for him had he lived, why should I lose out on that now??

Below are the kids for Halloween. They are darling. They give me so much joy. I’ll admit I think about the blessing of being able to “start over” with a new baby ALL of the time, but it has not taken away how much I LOVE my older babies now. I cherish and enjoy each and every day with them - - because really, who is to say that this isn’t it for me, too?? Love who you have. All the time.

Love, Misty

In order:
Isaac's pumpkin.
Olivia as a clown.
Ian as a ninja.
Hannah as a butterfly.


Celia said...

I hear you on the how much to share and with whom and all that. It is a VERY personal road and there are only a few who might understand where you are.

I wish I could share in your excitement over the holidays. I'm trying....but I'm just not there yet.

I love the pics. Isaac's pumpkin is great! We did one for Noah as well that I will post soon. The kids look great in their costumes and I can imagine they had a great time last night.

I love you! Really, really.

Holly said...

Ian, Olivia, and Hannah look so great in their costumes!! And I love how Issac's pumpkin has an I. :)

I'm getting more excited for the holidays too. I know it will be harder without Carleigh but I can't help but feel the joy of the season.

Pokeyann said...

I totally hear you! And I love you tons and tons! ALL your babies are awesome this Halloween!

Lara said...

Okay, Olivia is stinkin' cute! I love that wink...what a perfect little clown!

And the other two also look awesome in their costumes!

I hope you had a wonderful night. Thanks for your thoughts, and I will give a big hearty amen to them.

Debbie said...

You have adorable children! My children are all gone and having their own children, but I always love to see little children dress up. Thank you for sharing their adorable faces with us!

Jason, as himself said...

Glad to hear from you. Sorry to hear that people have been giving you grief over things.

Your kids looks cute and sweet and like they had a ball.

Take care!

S said...

It's hard and frustrating and just not fair.

I love the pumpkin. The kiddies are all so cute!

Kami's Khlopchyk said...

People mean well but sometimes their well meant comments hurt the most, don't they? I have a little experience with that too and have a hard time coming to grips with it. Sometimes a good rant is required.

I have to focus everyday on being happy with what I have. It's hard sometimes but when I look into their faces and see their smiles, it's not so hard, you know?


Rebecca said...

The kids look wonderful and the holidays are a gift. Enjoy what you can and let it go when you can't. All in God's time.

Mom Putnam said...

Miss you all and thinking of you everyday!!!

Nickel Pickle said...

the kids look awesome!