Saturday, November 21, 2009

Sweet dreams, Baby.

It's 8:38am, Saturday morning. It's quiet. Every one is sleeping. I can hear the different rhythm of each child's breathing. It's a peaceful sound. Listening and typing away behind the soft glow of my computer - it's peaceful.

I have my tree up. We'll decorate it while we make our Thanksgiving feast, which is actually our tradition, but it's been up a while. With gifts wrapped in lovely paper, bows, matching tags. Christmas is soothing to me. The lights of the tree soothes my nerves. Gifts under my tree represent love and joy, and the magic of childhood.

Christmas was not always like that for me. Living with my parents we were lucky to help decorate the tree, if that happened at all. We were not allowed in the living room, ever, to look at the tree. My parents were very unimpressed with the holiday. We were given very generic gifts - gloves, boots, socks - - all came in sets of threes, all the same color, same style. It didn't matter if you were a boy or girl. I don't remember a single toy my parents (or Santa) ever brought me. Not one. There was no joy behind gift giving and no joy behind shopping for that perfect gift. We were lucky to even have our look-a-like gifts - - my parents didn't think anything of doing away with holidays - - no trick or treating, no Easter baskets...... none of it.

All of the things my parents hated about Christmas, I ADORE. I love shopping for those I love. I love finding the perfect gift. I love pouring over toys and selecting ones I know my children will love. I love the hunt to maximize my money. I love gifts under the tree. Gifts, for me, represent love. They represent the love and joy I have over the holidays, over my family, over the magic of the season.

This Christmas represents the love I have for my God and for my Savior. I've had a hard time showing it. Feeling it even. When I listen to the stirring music of the season my heart thumps in my chest as a testimony I have. I find myself crying as I listen, as I feel the reason of the season. God lives. Christ lives. I identify with the sacrifice that was given. I gave up my boy. God did the same.

I miss my sweet Isaac with every breath that I have. Many times my heart hurts so that I fear that it will break from the physical pain I feel. I have a weary heart, sweet friends. Such a weary, sad heart.

The greatest gift I gave this year was life. I gave life to my boy, even though I knew he would die. His spirit was tenderly given a body, no matter how broken it was. He was - correction he IS - the most valiant and pure child - spirit, even - that I have ever been fortunate to come into contact with. I am thankful for him, for his life, for what he has given me. His sweet face will never be erased from my mind. Those full cheeks and loving eyes, and his mighty soul. I will never forget the mightiness of his spirit and the army angels he showed up with. He is my soldier in heaven. Always. And I am his Mama, always. No one, no one can ever change that.

Sweet dreams, sweet baby boy, but I have a feeling there is not sleeping to be had in heaven.

Love, Misty

PS: Come back soon, if you will. We're kicking off the holidays with a series of giveaways. The catch? Getting to KNOW you, my reader.

15 comments:

Kaleena said...

Such a beautiful post. I have a hard time getting through the Christmas holiday, but I do make an effort to make Christmas special for my little ones.

Grandma Rozla said...

Hi Misty,
You don't know me but I've been following your blog for awhile now. This is a beautiful post. It brought tears to my eyes. I pray for you that this Christmas will heal your heart a little bit more as your life parallels the life of Heavenly Father and the Savior. I pray that you will find the peace that you seek. Thank you for sharing your journey! May Heavenly Father bless you abundantly and open the eyes of your understanding more. Hang in there :)

Amy said...

Misty,
I feel your peace, and the quiet beauty of your morning. Your excitement for Christmas reminds me of what its all about. I am going out right now to go Christmas shopping! I hope I can share at least an hour of this season with you somehow. I love you!

Eliot's Mom said...

I loved this post. Loved it. I felt your peace through my computer. I love Christmas, too, and I can imagine how much this one will mean to you. No doubt it will be very bittersweet, but hopefully the love and magic you share with your children (all of them) will overpower the weariness you feel in your heart. Isn't it fun and amazing to imagine what Isaac must be up to? I'm sure he'll be near his family for Christmas.

Michele said...

no, there is no sleeping in heaven... there is too much rejoicing

I have a good life said...

Beautiful. Absolutely Beautiful. Thank-you for sharing your journey. In some small way, it helps me trudge down the path that I have been dealt, too. Thank-you!

Mom Putnam said...

Misty,
I to, like others read nad tears flowed, it was a beautiful post. I am so sorry for the childhood you had to endure, no child should have to go through what you have had to. You have become a warm, caring, compassionate person who has lots of love to give her family and others. May the love of the holiday season bring you to a place of peace and comfort to sustain you and hold you. May the season be one of healing of the hearts, I care for you and want God to bring you peace that only HE can give you and your family.

Melissa said...

Misty, your post touched me so much. I was reading it this morning nearly in tears when my littlest brought me a book to be read to her. Of course then I was distracted for the rest of the day, but I had to come back tonight and let you know that you have touched me so. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself, I have learned so much from you.

Holly said...

I love the Christmas season. It is my favorite. I know it will be hard without Carleigh here but there is still a reason to celebrate and that is the birth of Jesus.

The greatest gift is definitely life.

Mary said...

I am glad you still find so much love and peace in the holiday of Christmas. It has always been my favorite too, but I want so much to enjoy it like you are this year. If I can't do it for myself, then I will do it for Adelle....and Isaac.

Debbie said...

I love Christmas! My feelings of Christmas you expressed for me so eloquently. I'm having my own heartache over Christmas this year, but your post helped put my own troubles in perspective. Thank You!

Lara said...

You are so amazing at expressing your thoughts and feelings so perfectly in words. This post really touched me.

I definitely think that when we reflect on what Christmas is really all about, it can't help but bring us peace. That is what Christ came to earth to do....to heal us. So, here's to the healing power of Christ for you and your family this Christmas. I know that you will also do much to honor Isaac, and I can't help but think that will also bring you much peace and comfort from the Lord.

Jason, as himself said...

I used to love Christmas as a child, but now it tends to stress me out. I don't want it to, but it does. Every year I have to have a big talk with myself, convincing myself to just relax and enjoy.

This post is the opposite of that!

Erin said...

to hear what you endured as a child makes me sad. holidays are supposed to be fun and eventful. i am glad to hear that you have turned it around and enjoy them now. good for you!!

Andrea said...

God bless you for all that you do to make Cristmas so special for your Earthly children, all while loving and honoring an angel. Isaac is beautiful :)

I read your post below and the love you share with your little boy is so touching. And, that you allowed your children to be a vital part in Isaac's life here on earth...Misty, that's beautful and such a way of allowing them to bond with their baby brother.

May we all find peace in knowing our children celebrate Christ birth with "him". Many hugs and blessings this holiday.