Thursday, October 1, 2009

No dice.

Well, friends. Nothing happy to report here. My period started today. I'm feeling empty and sad tonight. But. Any child I have dreamed of before in the past, has been worth the effort and heartache it's taken to conceive him or her.

There is a lack of understanding when it comes to trying to conceive after you've had a child die. I'd had a lot of reactions. Most reactions could have been remedied with my middle finger, but I chose the higher ground. To ignore. To bite my tongue. Some people just don't get it.

They don't get what this next baby means to me. This next baby means that I am NOT done bearing children. This next baby means hope. Means new life. Means another chance. Another dream. This child means a dream come true. There is NOTHING more important to me, besides my faith, my husband, that compares to how I feel about motherhood. It IS my calling in life.

This next child does not mean I am replacing my dead child. Isaac's place in our family is secure and forever. The desire to raise another child did not die along with Isaac. The desire grew.

When Isaac died, my security did. The security I placed in knowing my dreams would come true died with him. People say to me "at least you KNOW you can get pregnant again". People say "at least you KNOW you can have healthy children".

Do I KNOW that? No. No, I do not. I "KNEW" Isaac would be born and that he was mine to raise. I took my pregnancy for granted. What I did not "know", was what was ahead. I did not KNOW he would die. I did not KNOW he would be diagnosed with a fatal birth defect, that he would die in my arms.

I do now KNOW if I can get pregnant again. I do not KNOW if I will have a healthy baby. My fate isn't my own choice. All I KNOW is that I want another baby. All I KNOW is that I am going to try. I don't KNOW if I have faith. I don't KNOW if God hears me.

All I have is my dream. And what is most important to me. For now anyway.

I know I am broken. That I am tired. That all I have right now is what I can claim for myself that is tangible. All I have is my dreams, what ever is left of them. That's what I KNOW. Anything beyond that? Some one else has those answers.


Michele said...

"This next child does not mean I am replacing my dead child. Isaac's place in our family is secure and forever. The desire to raise another child did not die along with Isaac. The desire grew."

I wish that I could find a way to explain this to people. Most folks dont understand that a new baby doesnt replace your child that died or that your desire to parent grows stronger because of the love you have for your child.

Cheryl said...

Why must people judge? I have never understood, there is no manual when it comes to fertility, conception and carrying a child...we take the risk from the day we start trying and we pray for the best. WE make the decision to take that chance...noone else. You are meant to be a mom, many times over...all the stuff people say is simply noise.

Jodi Lansink said...

Couldn't have said it any better is hard to explain, but why should we have to to begin with? I pray that it happens soon for you...

Lara said...

Hugs to you, Misty. I understand how hard it is to find you are not pregnant month after month (going through that again, for the last 6 months or so, now), but I have no idea the added desperation that you must be feeling. Desperation isn't really the right word. Urgency? I'm sorry so many people misunderstand your intentions. As a mother, they aren't difficult for me to understand. I am sure that I would want another child very soon after experiencing that, for many reasons, and none of them to replace the child that was lost.

Your calling IS to be a mother. You have said that for as long as I have read your blog, and I believe it. You are an amazing mother and I thank you for sharing a little of your life with me, and for helping others to gain understanding.

S said...

I'm so sorry for you pain. I have never experienced the death of my child in the same way as you. I have experienced miscarriages and know the desire to become pregnant again and produce a healthy, living infant at the end of 40 weeks. I know the lonliness and despair that seeing red makes you feel. I hope that very soon you will experience pregnancy again and bring home a baby hold and snuggle.

Trisha Larson said...

Amen to everything! I am on the same path. It feels so good to read my feelings coming from someone else.

Sorry for your disapointment. I've been feeling that every month for the last 18 months. Someday maybe God will say yes. Until then, I refuse to lose hope.


Holly said...

I'm sorry that you couldn't report happier news. I'd sure like to stick my middle finger up at AF. Wretched witch. TTC after loss is different that just TTC. No, it sure doesn't mean you are trying to replace your child because that could never happen!! The desire definitely grew. I don't think we can ever really KNOW anything. Only hope.

Courtney Cloud said...

I am so sorry. I am on this road with you. It's hard. It's exhausting. Know that Jesus is hope and because of Him we can make it through this. Thinking of you and praying for you.

Celia said...

All I can say is.....amen sista!

That desire is more like an obsession with me....and then there is the fear. And it is the fear that keeps me holding back. Poor hubby.

I'm sure we'll figure this thing out together though....

Kristin (kekis) said...

Well, crappity crap. I swear that when AF showed up here, I did NOT tell her to greet you as well. I know it's hard to understand what is planned for us. When we are in the middle of it all, it is easiest to ask, "Why?" instead of, "What should I do or not do now?" or "What am I supposed to learn from this?" Keep hoping. Hope is the hardest thing to have because it also equates to disapointment. I hope your answers come sooner than later and provide you peace.

Kami's Khlopchyk said...

I am so sorry it didn't happen this month, I know how much you were hoping.

I am learning how many of the things that people say to those who have lost a child are so so wrong. Thank you for teaching me how to be a better friend.

Praying for your dreams to come true, you deserve every last one.

Erin Hale said...

Hi Misty,
I've been following your blog for a little while now since I saw it on another baby blog I was following. I wanted you to know that your honest words are very touching and real, even to people whom you have never met. I also wanted to tell you that I participated in a 5K on Sept. 19th called the Race For Fetal Hope in my hometown, Charlotte, NC that raised money for research for babies with birth defects and/or fetal distress. Isaac was one of the babies I was running for, after reading your story. I thought I would let you know this even though it's kind of weird since you don't know me. I certainly didn't win the race, but I got my fanny off the couch to run for the hope that every child can someday be born healthy. The memory of Isaac is alive in some of us out here in blogland and I wish you strength and hope your heart heals as much as it can.

Erin Hale
Charlotte, NC
Mother of Olivia, 6 months

Anonymous said...

I won't pretend I know what to say. Please just know that your thought of often & that your dream & my dream for you.

Trennia said...

You have a Kreativ Blog Award waiting for you! Please come to my blog to claim your award!

I have a good life said...

Hugs, Misty. Wish I was there in person. How hard it is to have people judge when they just don't know. I deal with it with my impending divorce. I am glad that you want more children. I am glad that you have faith in Heavenly Father. He knows you, of that I am sure. My prayers are with you.

I have a good life said...

Thank you for your kind words on my blog. Isn't it amazing how in the middle of the distresses of life that we want so badly to take any pain we can away from others? You say you wish you could be here to wipe the tears from off my face, yet, I wish I could do the same for you. I wish you didn't have to deal with this loss, sorrow, and pain. I wish there were some way I could take it away. I know I cannot, but luckily for both of us and the rest of humankind, we have a Savior that can. How lucky you and I are, Misty, to know this! Even with all the pain and heartache, we are two of the lucky ones!

Never met you, but I love you!

Jason, as himself said...

Hey Misty,

I'm just checking in to see how you're doing. I haven't heard from you for a while here or on FB or gmail...maybe you're just needing some quiet time?

Hope all is well.