Wednesday, September 30, 2009


I've found myself anxious over getting pregnant again. Mainly because I REALLY want to be pregnant but I am PRETTY sure I am not. And, I'll be honest. I'm a little angry - well, maybe A LOT angry about it. Isaac already died. I carried that baby for God. The least He could do would to let me get pregnant right away, right?? I'm fully aware that's not how it works. I've gotten the short end of the stick for much of my life.... abandoned by both biological parents and adoptive parents. Molested. Beaten. Abused. Neglected. That was enough right?? Not so. I had to have the death of my youngest child thrown in there to. What's next? Job loss?? The death of my spouse? Something worse? Trust me, I don't rule it out. But. I will tell you this. I. Am. Broken. In pieces. I cry UNCLE. I cried it months ago.

I stumbled across this website this morning: I pulled off the information below:

7 Stages of Grief...

You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.


Kami's Khlopchyk said...

Sending you great big smooshy hugs. I am crying Uncle with you. REALLY LOUD.

Cheryl said...

I am wishing all the fertility gods shine on you these next few months! It will happen, you know it can...that's a bonus in itself right?

Thanks for sharing the stages of grief, I have seen my mother in law go through these in the last 2 years since my husbands father has been a struggle, a daily battle of the unknown with her and we see her making strides every day....she is forever changed, forever different but she is still finding reasons to smile and participate every single day...
I know you will get there, patience...not only for yourself but everyone around you must be patient....

Verna said...

I'm sorry you had to go thru all that in your younger years. We will continue to pray for you as you go through this grieving process.

Hang in there, and know that God loves you and so do we.
Here's a big hug for you---------:)

Michele said...

You and I share some background and I felt too like "havent I gone through enough" when we lost our children. But like you said, it doesnt work that way. I wish I knew why God gave us each the lot that we have... It would make things so much easier...

Pokeyann said...

Sending you love! Thanks for the reminder on the stages, I like the way they are written.

Celia said...

I cried "uncle" last week....pleading with God to just please help me.

I like those stages of grief. I have seen them before. I'm pretty sure I'm stuck in anger at the moment. though guilt is there too. Guilt over not doing what I should have been doing in order to prevent something like this. I never should have allowed a pregnancy while on those stupid meds.

And now I'm so very SCARED of getting pregnant again. I want it SO BADLY but am scared of the possibilities.

I'm praying like MAD that you get a + and soon. I pray that for all of us.

I dream of babies....their smell, their softness and cuddliness in your arms, the utter joy they bring to everyone.....(((sigh))) It will happen and soon friend....very soon....I just know it!

I love you....really....

Holly said...

I wish I could snap my fingers and be pregnant. That would be really nice but instead I try and try each month only to be disappointed. It's so unfair. I really hope that it happens for you soon.

Klin said...


It has only been a short time. I takes a lot of time. I don't care what others think is enough time, I care what YOU decide is enough time and you can't decide until it has been enough time.

I totally hated fertility drugs. I have spurts of sadness when I think about you and how they mess with your emotions each month. Praying for your peace and success.

Mom Putnam said...

I am so sorry for the childhood you had to endure and my heart hurts for that kind of pain that is has caused. But, there is new hope and I will pray that God brings you special healing and hope too and along the way send that little blessing you long for and desire. God is still listening I tend to think he is testing my faithfullness in the prayers I am asking for. he is telling me I am forgetting HIS timing NOT mine. I wish for the happiness you all desire and want and need. Much love to you all
PS Miss talking to you Misty

L3 said...

You are loved in ways that can't be known, your needs are known,
You're not alone.

Trisha Larson said...

It does seem unfair that many of us have to endure so much (you more than most) while others seem to have these perfect lives that are never touched by tragedy. I don't know if I'll ever understand that as my life has been rough too.

Nate died 18 months ago yesterday. I've found that the stages of grief look more like a ball of yarn in reality. Everything just gets all mixed up and makes no sense. It's not linear but I wish it was that way so I could track myself better.

I hope that God says yes to all of us someday SOON! It would be so wonderful to share our pregnancies together.