Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Letting it all hang out.

You know it’s one of those bad kinda nights, when it’s just you and your three year old up at 11 and you turn to her and say “Hey, Livvy, you wanna go buy some chocolate cake?”. She agreed, so off we went! While I was at Albertsons a homeless man approached me in the store, and asked if he could have a couple bucks. I normally wouldn’t grab my wallet in this kind of situation, where he was close enough to grab all I had and run, but there was a clerk nearby, so I proceeded. As I opened my wallet the man says: I LOVE you. I smiled. He notices I have a 10, and says: How about that 10 instead? I gave him the 2 bucks and off he went.

Some days I wonder why I blog. It is really in my best interest that I wear my heart on my sleeve? Bare my soul? Let it all hang out? I think it’s best that I have an outlet. I also think it’s best that I share in case some other bereaved mother happens across what I’ve written and doesn’t feel alone. That’s the real reason. I feel alone now. Someone else should not have to.

I generally don’t throw pity parties for myself. I was raised to “shut the hell up”. You don’t cry. You don’t complain. You don’t moan. You are not weak. You pretend what is happening is ok. You look the other way. I’ve had a lot of practice being closed off, pretending not to hurt, keeping my tears in. I found myself over 2 facebook chats tonight being honest. I reached out, over my chocolate cake, and admitted how lost I feel. And then the chatting turned into me sobbing like a maniac over my computer screen. And for a moment, I felt a little better. God made facebook for me. He and I aren’t really on speaking terms right now, so He gave me facebook chat, right?

I was talking to one of my greatest friends tonight. She lost her Noah to Anencephaly like I lost my Isaac, and we met through blogging. She is one of my greatest blessings. We talk often on the phone. We laugh, we cry, we curse, we empathize. We were talking about our friendship today, and I said to her: You know why God gave you to me? God gave you to me because I would otherwise have no one. I don’t really have any one else I can talk to about the baby. I fully admit I have trust issues. What I really want someone to do is hold me like a baby so I can cry like one, but I just can’t let myself be that vulnerable. It’s hard for me. It takes me a long time to learn to trust someone. I have spurts of bravery where I can reach out. Then days of hiding in my home. I needed her. She is my gift.

When I tell you I am ok, I’m really not. My heart is weary and I am really tired. I hurt deeply, and I don’t want to have to justify my journey to anyone else. I don’t want to explain that really what I am doing is most healthy. I just want someone to squeeze my hand, and accept me for where I am at. I want someone to do something for me to make me smile. I just want to be something. Something I can’t even explain.

I blog so someone else feels like they have someone else that understands.

And now…. Now I’ve got a date with chocolate cake and my kid. ‘Til next time.


Anonymous said...

I am so glad you have someone who is THERE for you and with you. I'm keeping you in my prayers. I remembered your sweet Isaac in my prayers when I did my run on Sunday.
No go,
enjoy the cake.

Holly said...

I think blogging is a good outlet and one of the reasons (like you) is so that other mothers don't feel alone. Grief can be a pretty lonely place. God definitely brings the people we need into our lives.

Michelle said...

I am squeezing your hand right now and accepting you for where you are at. What you are feeling is normal and healthy. I understand where you are at. I am so glad you have your friend from the blogging world to talk to. I have a friend who lost her son when he was just 3 1/2 months old this summer and we have each other to share our feelings and experiences with. We GET each other.

I hope that cake put a chocolaty smile on your face.

Celia said...

Seriously...I LOVE YOU! I hate that there are so many miles between us. I want the very same thing you do....I also want to be held. And I LOVE that we have each other to love, comfort, encourage, trust. I know that you "get" me and I definitely "get" you. I feel I can share with you my deepest, darkest and it's okay simply because of that....you "get" me.

I love you!!

Jodi Lansink said...

Thanks for the post----you say pretty much how I feel, so it is nice to read that you feel the same, and then I don't feel as alone either. Thank you!

Hope you enjoyed the cake!

Lara said...

I am certain that you will be that angel to many, many mothers in the months and years to come.

That's the way God works.

I hope you enjoyed your cake. :)

Cheryl said...

You are a lifeline to many other moms...the internet has many powers that we are unaware of.
We will all face earth shattering challenges in our lives..no one can assume how they will react or heal. You are taking it day by day, emotion by emotion....and that is just plain perfect.
Hope the cake was delicious!

Trisha Larson said...


I wish that I would have started blogging long before I did. I was SO ALONE that first year. I find it so helpful to be connected in this community. Sometimes when I'm reading posts it helps me see how far I've come and other times I can see how far I still need to go. But it's helpful to see that I'm not going to be "stuck" in this spot forever. There is a path and I'm working my way down it.

You are too, my friend. You will look back a year from now and see how different you are. You will see how much more compassionate, loving, thoughtful, reliable and aware you are. It's a high price to pay but there is good that will come from it.


MommyIvy said...

You don't know be I am here for you also. I am a friend of Cecilia's on facebook. Anytime you need to talk.

Stephanie said...

I won't pretend to know your pain. My heart breaks for you yet I know that those words do little to console you. If there were words that would work, I would say them a thousand times.

I've been following your story for awhile now, but I haven't commented before because I don't know what to say other than I'm just so damn sorry.

I hope that you will continue to write because it is cathartic, you do have support, and your son's story will help other mothers in their time of need.

You are loved, you are not alone, and your son is loved and remembered.

I wish you and your family joy and peace.

A Sister in Christ

Klin said...

I will hold you while you cry. I may even cry with you. Although my tears won't release the pain that yours will.

I have an office that we can use on a Saturday or even Sunday. You know how to reach me.

Affer we're all done we can go get ice cream. DQ is among my favs.

Michele said...

"I also think it’s best that I share in case some other bereaved mother happens across what I’ve written and doesn’t feel alone. That’s the real reason. I feel alone now. Someone else should not have to." This is what led me to blog too. The blogs I found in the early days saved me. I thought, if I can help someone the way they helped me, then maybe, just maybe, I can find a teeny tiny reason in all of this...

Sending you hugs...

Kami's Khlopchyk said...

I think having someone who is going through the same thing is such a gift, I am so glad you both have each other.

I get it. No need to explain :)


S said...

I'm so happy you have a great friend. I'm so sorry you have experienced such a huge loss.

Ashley said...

I am so behind on my blogging. Writing and reading. I really liked this post. Since I haven't blogged in a while, I have really missed it. It started as a way to keep in touch with family. But...I have made online friends and they are wonderful. It is a true outlet, I am not really a great blogger, I just post pics of my kids etc. But the blogs I reaad inspire me so much. I am fulfilled just reading what other people have to say.

I am glad you found someone who you can relate to and who is there for you. Everyone needs someone like that.