Faith-ing It Up.

Hannah riding Olivia's tricycle.

Ian.

Olivia sporting mud from the garden.

Ian playing basketball.

Ian.

Ian.

Hannah.

Olivia's fashion statement.

Olivia making sure I think she's pretty. Although the child refuses to have her hair combed or wear matching clothing.

Boots, princess dress, and helmet. Ready for anything.


*Sigh*. I have been feeling very grumpy today. The following commentary isn't directed towards any specific person per-say, but it is something that is really pissing me off. I have been VERY disappointed in my support system, minus a few choice individuals. Shortly after I found out about Isaac, I called my girlfriend and cried. I told her I felt like this was something I was going to have to go through alone. She has suffered the loss of a child from Anencephaly, so she knows what it's like to be in my shoes, and was honest, and told me that it WAS something I was going to have to do alone. I believed her. And I still do. I would say that I am a very closed off person. It takes a long time to get close to me, and very few people ever do. It has greatly distressed me that even my close circle falls short. What is it with people not being able to follow through? No one calls. No one offers a meal. No one even emails. I can understand feeling uncomfortable about being in touch - - but through a computer?? Come on people. It ain't that hard. I find myself sitting here feeling irritated by the lack of response from even my family members, and I realize this is the type of trial that is going to make or break many relationships I have. It makes my heart break that I feel the need to retreat permanently from so many people. They are blowing it. This isn't the time to blow it, either. This is the most monumental trial I have ever had to face, and I'm facing it alone. I feel like if family and friends can't be here for me now, don't bother. Don't bother trying to wiggle in to see the baby when it's born, and certainly don't bother coming when I bury my child. Don't bother pretending there is something between us, when there isn't. Some times, no matter how uncomfortable a situation is, you can't run the other way. You stick it out because that is what it means to love some one. Even it you're floundering outside of your comfort zone. Because really? I am, too.

Andrew and I spoke a lot about faith earlier this week. From what I can piece together, he feels like it must be a lack of faith on our part, if our baby isn't healed. I understand his frustrations, and understand each person struggles with the in-justices of the world, in his or her own ways.

There is so much more to faith then asking and receiving. Faith is knowing God is there, even through the trials that bring us to our knees. Faith is submitting to the will of the Father, and finding a way to feel His love, when you feel He is far away. Faith is knowing God is there, even if the world should tell you He isn't.

I have suffered beatings, molestation, food restrictions, room confinement that lasted years. I didn't feel like God was punishing me. I knew better then that, even as a child. I knew having faith meant enduring, not wishing God would take all my suffering from me. With out pain there is no growth. I knew though, that if I had faith, God would provide a way to ease my suffering as much as He could, and He did. I was prompted as a small child, at the age of three, to KNOW with out a doubt that what this certain man was doing to me was wrong. I found him naked in his bed, he pulled the sheets back, and asked me to join him. I knew then and there to say NO. I turned and left his bedroom. He never made another advance again. That is a perfect example of God watching out for his own child. Soon after that, we were taken from his home. I knew when I was 10 or 11 that I was a child of God, that something bigger then myself existed, even if I couldn't comprehend it. Faith is knowing God will show you a way, His way.

I can say that I have never doubted in God, or His plan. There have been times I haven't felt his presence as much as I desired, but I knew he hadn't forsaken me. I know now this child has come to us in such a way that will ensure his safe arrival back into God's arms shortly after birth. I have been asked to be a part of this plan for this child, and I oblige, with as much heartache, soul searching, and pain that comes along with it. Friends, God is good. God is true, and God knows, and facilitates a plan which is best for us, whether we drag our feet along the way. Have faith. Be true to that faith. Crawl, walk, run, sprint through the journey with Him, and dare to have faith that he is beside you, along the way.

Humbled.

The beauty of my children humbles me. Their gentle ways, carefree outlook, forgiving hearts, and innocent spirits humble me. From whom they are given is humbling to me. To have been entrusted with the sacred calling of motherhood is humbling to me. There is no greater call.

My heart has been touched this week. Touched by simple gifts, great and small. Lara from Overstuffed has started a fundraiser for our family "just because". Stop by, tell her I sent you, and tell her what a gracious heart she has! A dear friend of mine sent me a beautiful care package with food, chocolate, homemade jam, hand written scripture cards, soup mixes. I know it was a sacrifice for her to put together that box for me, as her finances are tight, as mine, and probably even yours are. I also know she is struggling with her own trials right now, and laid them aside to care for me. I had a card in the mail from a sweet friend in Texas, and a card from my grandmother, after a phone call when she let me know she wanted to contribute to my "secret surprise" for the children in May. And not only that, but sweet souls, all over the US have taken the time to read my story and let me know they love and care for my family. I am beyond humbled to receive love from those that I don't even know, when I have felt others that I do know, have fallen short. So, thank you. Thank for you that have touched my heart this week. I fall short in reaching out personally a lot of the time, but please know I appreciate YOU, as you read this.

My heart has been sad this week as my oldest, Hannah, has been grieving much. Many times I have wished my children were young enough that they could skip through this situation un-blemished. I, too, have to remember that their little ears pick up on EVERY thing. For example: they hear Andrew and I speak about finances, and speak of making savings accounts for certain upcoming expenses. After noticing Hannah was quiet all day, I asked her if something was wrong, and she said she was worried that we were going to run out of money! As if it was her job, at the tender age of 8 to worry about such. And of course that is not so! I explained to her Daddy gets a pay check twice a month, just like I do. I explained to her also that is why we have savings. I explained to her, too, that there are expenses coming up that make me upset to have to pay for, but that I am upset because the circumstance makes me sad NOT because funds are lacking, because they are not. We'll make sure the money is there. That seemed to ease her burden, but I've noticed she's been sad about the baby a lot this week. Her journal entries are enough to make any mother fall to her knees and ask WHY! It is a harsh reality that I can only spare my children from much of what I suffered as a child, but that there is so much more in the world that I cannot. How my heart aches to see my children in pain.

I have, for the most part, felt good this week. It was only 5 weeks ago that we found out our baby would die. Something I will never forget is how I felt in that moment when the doctor told me. And yet after days of feeling like I wasn't going to survive, I have realized that I will, and that life goes on, dragging me behind. I am thankful to be able to prepare, and to know ahead of time what is coming. I am thankful that the grief comes in waves that are small enough for me to swim through. I am thankful I've been able to realize my own limitations, and to focus on what I can do, instead of what I cannot. It amazes me what people can survive through. Each of us is much stronger then what we give ourselves credit for.

Anyways - - lots to do around home today, groceries to be bought, laundry to wash, dishes to do. Better get to it, I suppose.

Picture Perfect.

Hannah's been working out her grief over Isaac through art work.


Hannah drawing for Isaac.

Ian playing like Isaac would have.

Isaac's memory box... we're slowing adding to it.


xo Misty

Backed In.

I'm not keeping track of how far along I am. It's just not the same. I thought I was 28 weeks along, I'm actually 27. I will have a scheduled section the beginning of May. So. Like. 11 weeks from now.

I'm feeling a wee bit peaked today. Saturday I found a piece of furniture on sale for 100 bucks, normal price : $700.00. I shop like that. I'm a stay at home Mom. Having had my hours cut by 60% (I have a "real" work-from-home job, too), I would say money is tight. We do out best to be "money smart". Tickled with my new find, my girl friend and I had the piece loaded in the back of the van, and off we went. Sorta. I backed into some one else in the parking lot. Going a mile an hour. I caused a paint blemish. Trouble is the other car already had front end damage. It's a wee bit tricky debating over who pays for what. We're going to have to to pay to have the fender re-painted, not paying for ANY other repairs. Still - - we're looking at $300.00, hopefully not more. The people speak Spanish., we're not communicating well. They won't pick up the phone if we call. I need to get this squared AWAY. The only thing I can control right now, is our modest income. I want to know what these other people want from us, so I can work it into the budget. We're looking at medical bills - - hundreds of dollars. We're looking at funeral expenses - - hundreds of dollars. We're looking at missed work in May - - hundreds of dollars. We're planning something special for the kids in May - - another 3 hundred dollars. Money is the only thing I can control right now - it doesn't have a due date, it's not going to die on me...... So, these extra stresses..... they are pushing me over the edge! Weeeeeeeeee!

Life here in Utah moves on. We're fine, for the most part. I still avoid leaving the house as much as possible. I always seems to run into some one I know, and then I cry, and then feel embarrassed..... like Ian's teacher, this Saturday, in the grocery store..... talk about awkward..... "Um... hi... nice to see you.... please excuse me while I bawl over my shopping cart......". My first extinct..... RUN away..... avoid all personal contact. Do. Not. Talk.

The children continue through ups and downs..... I'm doing my best to work things through with them. Summer is going to be a Godsend this year. We just need to play in the sun, and swim, and eat cold treats, and garden, and play the days away. No pressure. Just each other.

Anyway - - until next time. This basket case will be walking on................

Sleep on it.

I've had a horrible time of it trying to sleep this week. The nightmares are relentless. I dreamed that my baby was still alive and they took him from me. I screamed and screamed that he wasn't dead yet, and belonged with me, but they took him anyway. Another night I dreamed I had the baby early, but they re-attached him into my womb, thinking maybe he could survive a little bit longer there. I dreamed a photographer came to photograph the baby and took one or two portraits and left, because he didn't like the looks of my baby.

I've found that I have had a lot of anxiety the last week wondering how the baby will look once he is born. With such a birth defect, much of his head could be missing, and I feel like I need to brace myself for the worst. Yet I have seen many, many pictures of babies with Anencephaly, and each and every newborn babe was a miracle to me, was beautiful, was perfect. I know that when I see my baby his birth defects won't matter, that all I will see is his perfect soul, and I will love him just the same as my other children.

I have had a lot of anxiety wondering how long the baby will live. Will it be minutes, will it be hours, or maybe days? The amount this child moves gives me hope that we will have more than less time with him, but I think it is wise to keep my dreams in check.

I now have 3 outfits each in new born size, and 3 outfits in preemie size. I have three blankets. I have an idea of what I would like the babe to wear for his burial. We know now which plot he will be laid to rest in. It's a family plot, a few miles from our home.

I think a lot about having babies in the future, and really, with all my heart, hoping that I will be able to carry and birth a healthy child in the future. It makes my heart ache in a different way, that this could be my last child, my last pregnancy and newborn. I have wanted all my life to be a mother, and each experience I have had creating life has been a miracle to me. My children are worth more to me than anything else in the world. I can't explain the value I find in having children, new babies, and now my older children. I feel so thankful that I have three of my own. I wish to journey through pregnancy again, bringing home a healthy baby again, and "starting over" again. I don't expect any one else to understand that, but I love being a mother and wife more then anything else in the world. I find immense value in my life, and what I have chosen to do with it.

I have about 12 weeks left to be pregnant. Baby Isaac moves a lot. We love him, and continue to love him more each day. Life moves on, although I find I struggle each day to act and feel like it does. On the other hand I spend a lot of time feeling happy and enjoying my children. I take a new pleasure in mothering them, as to make the most of every minute I have with them. The house is clean tonight, except the bathroom which I still have left to tidy. We enjoyed a homemade meal as a family this evening, and all the kids are bathed and dressed in clean jammies. I have laundry washing, laundry drying. I feel ready to start a new week, and feel capable to fulfill my responsibilites. God is good, and we carry on, one step at at time.