Been there, done that. That's how I feel when I come across someone who is less than understanding about the grieving process. Been there, done that. Felt their judgment. There's been a little buzz around the blog word: those of us Moms that have had babies die full term have posted about family, friends, and by standers not supporting those of us that feel that some days we're drowning. It's made me angry the past couple days. And maybe a little embarrassed. No one likes to be perceived as weak, yet right now, I have the most "weak" moments of my life. Oddly enough though - I'm they are getting it miserably wrong. I'm not weak, I'm my own hero. I made and CHOSE to make the greatest sacrifice I have made in my entire life. I carried my child, in womb, and CHOSE to give him what ever life I could. I loved him tenderly, I showered him with adoration, I shared him, I allowed him to born, claim his body, and fly back to Jesus. Jesus exists, friends. I've felt him. God's there, too. I know Him. I know the love He has for my newborn babe. I'm strong. I birthed my child, I LOVE my child, and I dare to mourn him, though others may not. Be patient with me. Be patient with any woman in your life that has suffered a loss such as this. Let her grieve. Let her be strong in her weakness. Let her be, let her be in any moment she's having, her heart is broken just like mine. And to any others that feel like you're able to snap me, or another grieving mother out of this, this was my response to someone that thinks like yourself:
"And this is exactly what I meant - - even the thought that you would think you could make her "snap" out if it proves my point. Her children will be alright. Her husband not talking about it is normal - - my husband doesn't either. A year from now, even a month from now, there will be progress, and they'll look back very tenderly and realize that they've some how made it through. I cry for my baby every day - - I miss him, I want him back. I have retreated into my home, and I'm less patient with my children. I think about Isaac every moment of every day, even if no one else does. Time, sweet friend..... time is what helps. There is no way around, but only through it, through the grief. Even if we ALL know our children were called home to serve God, we with them here with us instead .
This I know to be true because I witnessed it myself: God exists, and that the spirit world is as real as the seat I sit on. It is a sad thing, though, to be chastised, and misunderstood. Faith or no faith, this is the trial of my life - - - feeling really low is part of the process. I appreciate that you apologized to her, and I appreciate that you took time to write me back. I know your intentions were good, and hopefully we've all learned to be more empathetic towards each other. Imagine it for yourself. If you can. I used to imagine it, and now it's my worst nightmare."
And now for a little of the humor I pride myself of: All my baby loss Mamas: We're going to get through this. There is peace that passes all understanding on the other side. *chest bump*
Yes, you read that last part right.
16 comments:
I think that giving your child whatever life they were meant to have, in the womb and out of it, is the biggest gift we moms can give. I often wonder why our children are in heaven... Why God allowed us to get pregnant with our beautiful babies only to our time cut so short... But I know one thing and that is that I am grateful for that time. From the few weeks I had with babies I miscarried to the months I had with our babies who were born and lived moments on the outside... I am grateful... Thankful... Blessed. We all are.
Big hugs...
People actually think they need to "snap" people out of their grief? Will wonders never cease....I love what you wrote about there being no way around it, only through. Wise words, my friend, very wise.
I also recently read a post of by a Mom who lost her baby at 3 months of age - how people get uncomfortable when they mention him. WHAT? Like you are not supposed to talk about your babies? Don't. Get. That. Either.
grieving is such an individual process... it bothers me that some people expect others to be quick in their grief, to move on... life is not like that. You take the time you need now so that years from now you are not at a standstill. I have seen it happen. Those who move on to "normality" too fast and then break down years later...that is much harder on the loved ones around you.
I think you are amazing... noone should have to go through this, your grace shines bright for me. Take care...thinking of you
Snap out of it? Huh? "Hey you! The mother that just lost her son! Stop being sad! Snap out of it!".....Ugh yeah ok...
It takes time...It took me a very long time....
Yes, yes yes!! We are definite wading through.....it's the only way. And I love that perspective. We DID choose to make the ultimate sacrifice for our babies, much in the same way that Jesus chose to stand on that cross.....We gave them whatever life they were meant to have without cutting it short which some would say might have been the "easier" choice.
I have a hard time understanding the mind set that we should be "over" things by now because it's been "X" amount of time....This is not something that anyone just "gets over". I think PJ has it right.....This set of circumstances is so much different because we not only birthed our sweet babies but then held them as they passed. There is nothing worse than that.....And NO parent should have to experience that kind of loss....
I love you girl! More than I could ever say in words here in this little space.....
:) chest bump :)
I had a very good friend (one of the 3 that didn't abandon me after Nate died) that had a serious talk with me 9 months after his death. She told me that her husband lost his Dad 7 years ago and though it was a "tragedy", he came out okay. He didn't let it ruin his life. She told me that I should go on anti-depressants because I wasn't able to snap out of it. She told me that she was worried that I would never be able to be happy again and I was letting this (meaning Nate) ruin my life.
People just don't get it. She spent 9 months listening to me grieve the loss of my son and she still didn't get it. I wish that I could just punch them all in the stomach so that they would know how much we hurt ALL THE TIME!
It's nice that we can support eachother here in cyberspace. It has helped me a lot to know that my feelings and experiences are not alone.
Hugs,
Trisha
You know what I find myself doing? I actually tell myself to "snap out of it". I don't know why I do this, maybe because I am always so worried what others are going to think. Last week at work when I found myself crying at my unit, I actually started getting mad at myself for crying! I was really furious! So now, not only am I feeling so much grief, I have so much anger and guilt. I would be the first to tell all baby loss mamas that it is okay to cry and grieve as long as you need, but why can't I take my own advice? Why can't I let myself grieve without always apologizing to myself.
I think it's something you can never really understand until you're walking that road yourself. Had I ever imagined it would be like this? Heck no. I just wish people would understand that there is no timetable for grief, especially if you have lost your child. You will mourn the lost dreams for years to come.
I'll chest bump to that.
A few days ago I had a real life friend in my Facebook tell me I needed to snap out of it and gave me a list of all the things I should be thankful for and why I SHOULD "snap out of it". Even when I tried to explain to her that I am going on with my life as best I can, and I am happy more than not, there are times during every day I cry. She just doesn't get it. Apparently because her Aunt who is dying of cancer chooses joy, or because she (my friend) suffered abuse all her childhood can choose joy, I *apparently* should be able to "snap out of it".
*chest bump*
I don't know who you are referring to, but I can't believe someone would be judgmental about your grieving process! Much less voice their uneducated opinion to you. What kind of a horrible person does that?
You take all the time you need. Forever, if that's what it takes.
I guess it takes all kinds in this world - the controllers who tell us how to live our lives, how to feel, and why if we choose a Road Less Travelled we are less than perfect people.
To heck with such people. You have shown amazing strength - in your choices, your beliefs, your love of God, Jesus and your Family. So what you cry. You are Sad. You are grieving - somehow this makes you less of a person? I think not. I think it makes you an amazing example of a wonderful person.
And sometimes you bless me by making me look at my own life and my own "fakey-dakey I'm-fine" attitude to realize that maybe some of my destructive behavior is because I am too weak to grieve. No I didn't bear the incredible loss of a child, so I cannot imagine your pain, but still a loss.
Your words are honest and your pain is real. I've never experienced a still birth (I have three m/c's under my belt though) so I can't say that I know how you feel. I can say that grief is as individualized as a fingerprint. I think each person grieves and learns to cope in different ways and at different times. When I was 6 my favorite aunt experienced a still baby. I can remember how sad she was, I can remember her despair and agony to come home to a decorated nursery. I can remember the pain in my chest that I felt for her.
During and after my m/c's I thought of her often. I wondered how her marriage survived such a loss, I wondered how her heart healed, I wondered if she still almost 30 years later thought of what could have been.
Hugs to you and hats off for your honesty!
Misty-Although I will NEVER understand what any of you are going through, my precious daughter is teaching me. My heart feels pain every time I see pictures of these sweet perfect little babies and what a great sacrifice you have all made and it will not go unrewarded. Bless you
I KNOW you are strong. You have come through so much in your life and have been asked to make a sacrifice that God did not ask me to do. I don't ask why. I know why. I couldn't do it.
You are one of my hero's. You choose to do what is necessary and don't question God. You clean up messes made by others (I'm not talking about the simple messes your children make). You choose to to keep hope for all that can be. Another child. a better future for your children.
I'm crying and angry that someone would think that they could judge how you grieve. It is personal. It is not something that should EVER be judged.
I've had witness of your greatness. How I ever got lucky enough to know of you is God's gift to me.
Keep being strong. Sadness, crying, grieving, etc are not weak. They are human.
I cannot even fathom another woman telling another woman to stop grieving. Especially so soon! What the bleep? I think you will never stop grieving the loss of your sweet baby. Time will just help things a bit. My Aunt lost her baby when he was 8 months old baby over 30 years ago & she always says she has 8 children, even though 7 are living. She has gotten alot of flack about that and I think that is crazy! Big Hugs Misti. I love to read your blog. Even though I feel sad, I also feel a sisterhood with any woman who has lost a child.
Hugs Mama. I am sorry for your loss.
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