Monday, August 24, 2009

Think again.

I'm sitting here bopping my head to Olivia's techno piano playing. Those electronic pianos. The louder-than-necessary, have-to-play-it-all-the-time-or-I-will-die key boards. Oh yes. Those ones. Bring it on.

I have a new talent. Now this one, I have REALLY perfected. It involves my mouth and my foot. Get the picture?

I find myself feeling a little irritated tonight. I've been reading through my normal set of blogs, but some how missed some posts. Dude. Don't even get me started.

Where am I at now? I'm kinda at that faze where every one else has forgotten about Issac, and most people are tapping their fingers in anticipation for me to "get over it" already. You have the well-meaning folk that think they "understand" where you're at, and think they can some how just hurry you up through the process. Then the others that still hide from you in fear that - heaven forbid - you mention you dead child's name. And then you have those friends - you know, the really good ones, that have managed to stick by you, through thick and thin, just letting you be - ya know - your "new" self.

Let me take a stab at explaining what nearly 5 months means to me. Isaac will have been dead for 5 months now on September 8th. It still seems like yesterday I placed him in his casket for the last time.

I have now endured 5 months of endless heartache. I still miss my baby, still wouldn't mind taking him back, still cry for him every day. It is still hard for me to see other babies. I still cry nearly every time I speak about him. My heart still aches, it physically hurts. My mind wanders to him many times a day. I am still grieving.

I still like my house the best. I still like, for the most part, not seeing people. I like my safe place, even if does not include many people around me. I hate feeling like I'm being hurried up. I hate the impatience I see, the irritation of not being "myself" yet. It angers me, like I should have to explain to some one else that has no clue, that how I'm doing, is just fine. My children are cared for and loved. I work 25 hours a week. I keep a tidy home. I prepare healthy meals for my children. I play card games and basketball and take walks and chat on the phone and read and blog and laugh and play. I do all those things, and yet my heart is still broken.

I find it offensive when another would question my faith in God, because I still grieve for my son. Make no mistakes friends, I know where my child is. I know he lives. As much as I know that he lives, I know that I must learn to live my life with out him here in my home. And for one second, imagine it for yourself. Imagine carrying your baby for 25 weeks, and then being told he would die then be willing to carry him for 15 weeks more. Love him, feel him alive, then plan his funeral. Plan his funeral and plan how to say goodbye. Figure out how to watch your children's hearts break. Figure out how to manage their sorrow and then your own. Give birth to your baby. Meet him. Feel his heart beat. Watch him die in your arms, along with all of your dreams of raising him. Feel your love for him, you love him no less than your other children, but know his life was meant only to be a fleeting moment because your Maker and your son's called him home. Come home empty handed and broken hearted. Feel your body heal, but realize your heart isn't. Place your baby in his casket, listen to your children sob, feel your body heave with sorrow. Imagine your child arms length under ground. Figure out with all your might how to move on. Figure out how to grieve so that you don't alarm your children. Figure out how to keep your grief hidden. Miss your child. Dream of him. Remember him. Remember that he's dead. Imagine how it was to carry a child to term, and in one breath say hello and goodbye. Don't for one minute think that my journey has to meet your expectations, it's barely meeting mine.

17 comments:

Holly said...

I am just imagining in my head those keyboards and the groovy sounds. :)

I think a lot of us feel at this same stage you are. It hasn't even been 6 months!! Grieving is not wrong and I wish people would understand that you just don't get over it and move on like nothing ever happened and that it doesn't mean you don't have faith in God. God gives me hope!!!

I hope that by your words people can try and imagine what this journey would be like. Of course, they'd never come close.

Trennia said...

(((HUGS)))

anna said...

praying for you!

here's a funny story: when i was pregnant, my husband got an email from an elder in our church. at the end of the email, he wrote "praying for your baby." although he forgot the r in your. so he actually wrote "praying for you baby!" my husband and i still laugh about that!
so...praying for you baby! :)

Celia said...

I love the way you described it.... We are barely figuring this grief thing out and I think it takes probably YEARS to get to the point where you're "okay". I too think it is offensive when someone tries to put a timetable to our grief. This is not something we will EVER get over and we will carry this pain around for the REST OF OUR LIVES.

I wish I would have called you again last night. I too had a rough night and got about an hour's worth of sleep. My head hurts and my heart aches. Nights like that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

I can just picture Olivia in my head banging away at that piano. It may have been loud but I bet it was music to your ears!

I love you girl.....BIG TIME!

Pokeyann said...

Oh, Misty, how I love and miss you. I know I've been "silent", and I'm sorry, been a bit too sleep deprived to think/see/act straight. Which is a sad excuse, sorry.
I'm not so sure we ever are O.K. again after experiencing soul wrenching, heart tearing grief, and I don't think that's necessarily bad. Yes a time will come when the pain won't be so close to the surface, all the time. But for me it has never gone away. The oddest moments will bring it back, and always in full force. I think more than anything I've learned how to contain it. To have traveled so far down this road of grief as you have is, well frankly I can't even express it. I just don't have the words. Your courage, faith, endurance in the face of the storm is awe inspiring to me.

Lara said...

I don't understand why people would have expectations for you. Because they don't want to have to deal with your grief, I guess. And obviously, those people are not your friends.

I know I haven't been through this, but if I had, I am pretty sure I would NEVER get over it. I actually read your posts and am so impressed with your ability to function, even though it is so hard and you DO have a broken heart. I am sorry that people around you don't understand that.

And, on a random side note...I just noticed the picture of your husband on your sidebar and am fascinated by how much your kids look like the both of you.

Trisha Larson said...

I burried Nate 17 months ago and i think that the expectations for moving on just get worse. I'm a highly functioning mom of 4 kids on earth. I exercise daily, shop, cook, drive my kids to a zillion activities, attend church, keep a very clean house, play with my kids, laugh with my husband and yet I'm told that I'm not grieving right. What????

That's actually why I wrote my DROWNING post and started blogging. I really wanted people to understand what "drowning in grief" was really like.

We are a special group of moms. No one outside of our group will ever understand us -- not even close. We just have to hold each other up and help each other walk this path. I'm walking it and I'm happy to hold your hand!

Hugs,
Trisha

Ashley said...

Your journey is your own. I am not sure how anyone thinks they have the right to have expectations for anyone else when it comes to grieving. You do what you can do and feel what you feel. There is nothing wrong with that. No one should make you feel that there is.

Amy said...

I love the way you cronicle your journey. In the big scheme of things, you are still only at the beginning of it. Remember that you have the right to set your own pace. And as time goes by in my own journey, I begin to look forward to days like Jacob's birthday, where I get to celebrate that he is still a part of our family, that he did and does live, and that he IS mine. One day at a time, my love.

Debbi said...

((((Hugs))))
It take YEARS to get thru this.
I lost my Christopher 35 years ago.
I can still remember the crushing pain I felt , for what seemed like forever.

Don't let ANYONE make you feel like you should get over it.
Don't let ANYONE rush your grieving

I found my way here thru Hollys blog.
All of you girls who have went thru this are VERY special Mamas

Mom Putnam said...

Misty-It has been awhile since I have talked to you and think of you often and know I still pray for all of you moms and the journey you are traveling. I will never understand your pain, only mine and it doesnt even compare nor will i try to make it. Just know i think of you and pray for you.

Fruitful Harvest said...

(((HUGS))) and Prayers!

Warmly,
Georgiann from The Garden Gate

Rina the Mama Bear said...

Perhaps those that seem to be hurrying you along in your grieving process are not insensitive rather they simply do not understand the pain.

In their eyes, they may think that well, you were made aware of the situation with 15 weeks to 'process' and 'deal' with it...

Unfortunately, I don't think there is any way to help these people to understand what you are going through. I myself would never expect you to ever, ever 'get over it'. This is your child, who shared your body and spirit for 9 months - why should it be any different than if you had lost a child who had lived for perhaps a few years and then passed? The pain of the loss is just as great - perhaps even greater because you did not have the opportunity to see Isaac grow and become his own little man.

My heart goes out to you and your family - bravo for continuing your daily routines rather than letting grief over take you. Bravo, too, for having the kind of heart that doesn't just 'get over it'.

Renee' said...

Your post is very beautifully written. It gave me chills. I am so sorry that people think you should just "get over it" and go on with your life. This is your grief and nobody but nobody can tell you how to deal with it, or how long your grief will last. I do know that I lost my mom 18 years ago and though I don't grieve for her everyday at this point I do still have my days where I grieve for her and I except those days for what they are and remember the loving mother that bravely fought breast cancer to see her children grown. I am sure that my grief is not like someone elses that has dealt with the same loss and I am sure that your grief is different from other mothers that have lost there babies. I have a husband that is not so understanding and when we first got married and I had one of those days he would actually say to me "get over it Renee, don't think about it, do something to get your mind off it, etc and etc some more" Well it flew all over me because he had his Mom and she saw him get married and she saw our daughter born and he can talk to her three hundred times a day if he wants to and I can't and he wants to tell me to get over it. I also know for a fact that my Dad, although remarried, grieves for her everday as we have talked about it many times. We loved her and lost her and You and your family loved and lost Issac and nobody will ever be able to understand the way you feel and the way you grieve and how you deal with it. I say they, need to "get over it" and mind there own business. Your true friends are the ones who will call you to check on you and if you want to talk about Issac for four hours they will listen with a loving heart and never think twice about it. I don't think that grief is a bad thing and have ofter wondered how people just go on like nothing has happened to them and then I have to ask myself, Do they remember not only who but what they lost. What that person really meant to them and how much they loved them and there memories of them. I had a very hard time with the death of my mother and it ended up costing much money for therapy and learning how to deal with Panic attacks and depression and not caring about anything. Grief is good, I didn't grieve at first and fell in and took care of my dad and brother like my mom would have...BIG MISTAKE...the grieving process has to be done or you end up like me a living nighmare of a mess that was on the edge of insanity I do believe. So grief is not fun but good for the soul and if it happens to happen everyday then that is what it does and no one grives the same as anyone else and I for one don't believe in getting over it because I feel like I would forget. Forget who she was, forget what she meant to me, forget her voice and forget her face. Grief helps me to remember on certain days and on others I keep her in my heart and think of her often. You grieve how you need to and don't even think twice about those who don't understand as they most likely have not lost like you have but one day they probably will lose someone they loved with all there hearts and then the will look back on how they told you to get over it and understand why they shouldn't have said that. I am praying for you and I don't know that my story got across what or how I meant to say these things to you. Just know that you are loved by many and those many pray for you and will understand that you don't need to get over it!

Kami's Khlopchyk said...

Your grief is your own. Thank you for your insight into your journey because I think it will help me understand when others are going through it.

Hugs.

WendyMom said...

A wonderful woman of God who is a personal friend of mine, who lost her 3 year old son to an epileptic seizure in the night at home calls them "grief attacks". She is 3 years into this journey, and she still has days where it is hard to do much else but grieve.

God bless you- take your time and don't listen to that junk. It's THEM being uncomfortable with the reminder of your pain that makes them act that way- and that's their problem- not yours.

BTW if you want to read my friend's story-perhaps it will bless you- her sons website is tuckersalisbury.com.

God bless you-

Michele said...

I think people rush us through grief because they are so uncomfortable, both with dying but also in our faith. I know that my children are safe with God; but I miss them every second of every day and, if God gave them back to me, I would hold on and never let go. Grieving doesnt make us weak; it lets us know where we are. I am so sorry that you are being pushed and are feeling how people have forgotten. I feel that way too and it hurts so much. But we will never forget. And, because of that, our babies will live on here as they do in Eternity.