Monday, August 10, 2009

Owl.

I'm a night owl. Naturally my kids have followed suit. Our summer schedule has been non-existent. We've played the days away. Stayed up way too late at night, slept in way too late in the morning. We've skipped baths some days and let chores wait until another time, and, seriously, it's been blissful. I had lofty goals of making the kids journal and get their summer reading in, and instead we've watched movies and colored pictures and snuggled the hours away. Part of me feels a little guilty, but part of me doesn't. We've needed it. We've just needed to be comfy in our own skin, we've needed to be carefree, and obligation free, and I've loved it. Summer is drawing to an end though, and a huge part of me, almost ALL of me, is really sad about that. I'm sad to see the kids go, sad to see them advance another year in school, sad to seem them grow. Some days I want them to be little forever. Part of me feels saddened because I should have a baby home right now, which, for me, makes it a *little* easier on my heart for my older children to be growing so quickly. But, I don't. Isaac is dead, and it'll be another year of Olivia and I home alone. I find myself in a different stage of "nesting". The time for us to try to get pregnant again is nearly here. We're thinking September or October. I find myself thinking I should clean and get the house in order to take some pressure off of myself when I am crazy and sick with pregnancy again. What ever this need is of mine, I'm just going to go with it. If it makes me feel like I am preparing for this dream of another baby, then it can't hurt. I find myself, although missing Issac with every breath, also feeling excited about what may be ahead. Can you imagine it friends? Can you imagine the joy that could be around the corner? I allow myself to think about it some days, and every once in a while I feel this giddiness in my heart. I LOVE being pregnant. I LOVE creating life with God, and I LOVE dreaming about my children to come, and shopping for them..... buying bottles and clothes, car seats, cribs. I can almost taste it. Taste that joy. September we're allowing the possibility to become pregnant. If my body isn't producing eggs on it's on, like in the past, I will be seeing my OB in October for Metformin and Clomid again. Either way, we're moving forward and we're going to make this happen. I know it's in the cards for us. I know because my Father in heaven has whispered this to my soul. It's a frightening thing, to have faith. With faith, some days doubt lingers. I have faith in what is to come. I hold on to what I know is true. God lives. Christ reigns. Some how we all wade through life. Life moves on. Believe that.

Grieving has taken a toll on my patience. I'm more snippetity. I'm less patient. I'm not the mother I want to be right now. It's been on my mind a lot these days - - I can do better. I will do better. I know days run together and the children can be tiring, but I love what I'm doing. I love being a mother. I have it with in me to love and to nurture. THAT is the kind of woman I need to be.

This has been our summer to grieve Isaac. We've grieved him together. We still grieve him. Grieve him strongly. We're closer for it. I am a better mother for it. I can claim success for my children, that they have experienced the joy of summer. I didn't have that as a kid. I had summers full of boredom and fear. I was locked up in my room for weeks at a time. We longed for a different home, one where we were loved, one where we could just be kids. Although some moments I have failed miserably as a mother, my children have been happy, and nurtured, and loved. THAT I can claim this summer. I can still claim that I have given more to my children than that which was ever given to me. Small triumphs, dear friends, small triumphs.

17 comments:

Cheryl said...

Just yesterday a friend of mine said she was counting down the days until her kids returned to school....I thought that was sad, it's so wonderful to hear you wish the summer was year round....I feel the same way.
This fall will be full of bliss. I can feel it.....
Enjoy another day full of snuggles!

Mom Putnam said...

You are a wonderful mother and dont ever let anyone tell you otherwise!! Sounds like you have had a great summer and just the part of doing what you want and letting all the other stuff go is bliss. Looking back that is the only regret that I have. But, I cant change it and my girls turned out to be great women and mothers.
I just know God will do fantastic things for you and your family. Keep us posted.

Michelle said...

I can tell by your gentle words on your posts that you are a loving and nurturing mother.

Since Blake passed away I also feel like my patience runs thin with my girls. I get so sad and frustrated with myself when I get like this. The grief just takes over sometimes. When I had to go back to work a few weeks ago after being off for those 5 months after Blake passed away, I would look back at what we did during that time and wonder if I made the most of our time together. I'm not so sure that I did. And that makes me sad.

Take care!

Pokeyann said...

That my dear friend is no small triumph! It is ALL the difference and you and your children are blessed because of it and all the generations to follow will not know how very much they owe you for righting the wrong, for choosing the better way. You inspire me, you remind me and help me to be better. In my opinion (or wishful thinking) your Isaac may be in heaven hanging with your next child, bonding, getting to know each other having there own summer together.

Thena said...

I count down the days until the summer begins. This year it seems like it has went by faster than ever. You among so many others helps us to realize we need to cherish every second with our children. Your such a strong woman.

Trisha Larson said...

Oh Misty,

We share so much. I can completely relate to everything. The joy of Summer, the sadness that our kids are growing, the hope for another baby. While our lives are full of unimaginable sadness, they are also full of joy. I know that God wants us to be able to rejoice in that joy even when we are grieving our son's.

I'm STILL (16 months) trying to get pregnant. I don't know why God keeps saying no but I too feel like there is this amazing joy that comes from another life just around the corner.

This post is really good. It reflects your struggles but your healing really shines through. I can see your progress. You are doing good.

Love,
Trisha

Michele said...

what a moving post... sending warm thoughts...

Amy said...

Thank you for your eloquence. And your faith. And your love.

MommyIvy said...

Dont feel bad about it. I think it is exactly what I would have done.

Lei said...

Misty,

It's been a long time sicne I visited. So long I didn't relaize you'd lost your baby. (((hugs)))

I can fullheartedly grasp your feeling sont he summer coming ot a close. I let go a bit with my kids as well and enjoyed every minute of it.

Holly said...

I think it's great you spent your summer not worried about things that needed to be done. I think sometimes we get so wrapped up in the things that we think need to be done that we forget about the time that should be spent together. In the end, what really matters? :)

I am ready for the joy around the corner. I welcome it with open arms.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I'm glad that you have something to look forward to. I hope that helps in some way. And I'm glad you all had a good summer!

Thompson family said...

I am so happy that you spend time with your children during the summer. Reading about all your fun summer actitives inspired me to do the same and I think the girls really needed that, instead of me being a grump because the house isn't clean. Thank you for that wonderful example. I LOVE YOU to death and know you will have the joy of another baby in your arms sooner than you think. You are such an amazing mom and have so much faith. I'm so glad we are friends.
Love, Angie

I have a good life said...

Oh, Misty, it has been so long since I have been blogging. I have been dealing with my own crises. I am so sorry about that loss. I knew it was coming, yet it had been so long that it hit me with such strong force again this morning. You are so strong and such an incredible inspiration to all. I am glad you kept your blog public. I needed your wisdom and insight.

S said...

You are an outstanding Mom and know just what your kids need. I'm so sad for your loss and so excited to hear the sound of hope in your post. I am hopeful and excited and anxious for you! I can't wait to share the joy of your next pregnancy.

For the record, I dislike the end of summer too. I love my big baby being at home with endless amounts of time on our hands. Some days are longer than other LOL but overall I love the endless days and dread the grind of Fall!!

Nickel Pickle said...

Summer is over for us already! :( My 10 year old started on Monday...lots of things we should have done as well, but never got around to it. O'well. It happens.

I am so excited for you to be having another baby here very soon. I know it will happen for you because you deserve it.

After I had Logan I was scared to death to have another baby & well I was in too much of a mess to even think about having one. Once I got past all that & finally got pregnant with my daughter & knew she was healthy it was the greatest feeling in the world.

I knew then Logan would want me to be happy & have another child. He didn't want me to keep thinking I would be replacing him if I had another baby. Having my daughter helped to heal my heart so much. Of course there is still this giant hole left by losing Logan, but Chloe helped to fill it some & days are nearly as hard as they used to be.

((hugs)) to you sweetie.

Kami's Khlopchyk said...

I don't think what you give your kids is a small triumph at all. It's huge. You broke out of the cycle. You should be extremely proud that what was done to you did not change you.

This summer, it was needed by all of you and I am willing to bet you have created some amazing memories. From the sorrow there is is joy.

big hugs to you! And may this year be the complete opposite of last year!