I'm a night owl. Naturally my kids have followed suit. Our summer schedule has been non-existent. We've played the days away. Stayed up way too late at night, slept in way too late in the morning. We've skipped baths some days and let chores wait until another time, and, seriously, it's been blissful. I had lofty goals of making the kids journal and get their summer reading in, and instead we've watched movies and colored pictures and snuggled the hours away. Part of me feels a little guilty, but part of me doesn't. We've needed it. We've just needed to be comfy in our own skin, we've needed to be carefree, and obligation free, and I've loved it. Summer is drawing to an end though, and a huge part of me, almost ALL of me, is really sad about that. I'm sad to see the kids go, sad to see them advance another year in school, sad to seem them grow. Some days I want them to be little forever. Part of me feels saddened because I should have a baby home right now, which, for me, makes it a *little* easier on my heart for my older children to be growing so quickly. But, I don't. Isaac is dead, and it'll be another year of Olivia and I home alone. I find myself in a different stage of "nesting". The time for us to try to get pregnant again is nearly here. We're thinking September or October. I find myself thinking I should clean and get the house in order to take some pressure off of myself when I am crazy and sick with pregnancy again. What ever this need is of mine, I'm just going to go with it. If it makes me feel like I am preparing for this dream of another baby, then it can't hurt. I find myself, although missing Issac with every breath, also feeling excited about what may be ahead. Can you imagine it friends? Can you imagine the joy that could be around the corner? I allow myself to think about it some days, and every once in a while I feel this giddiness in my heart. I LOVE being pregnant. I LOVE creating life with God, and I LOVE dreaming about my children to come, and shopping for them..... buying bottles and clothes, car seats, cribs. I can almost taste it. Taste that joy. September we're allowing the possibility to become pregnant. If my body isn't producing eggs on it's on, like in the past, I will be seeing my OB in October for Metformin and Clomid again. Either way, we're moving forward and we're going to make this happen. I know it's in the cards for us. I know because my Father in heaven has whispered this to my soul. It's a frightening thing, to have faith. With faith, some days doubt lingers. I have faith in what is to come. I hold on to what I know is true. God lives. Christ reigns. Some how we all wade through life. Life moves on. Believe that.
Grieving has taken a toll on my patience. I'm more snippetity. I'm less patient. I'm not the mother I want to be right now. It's been on my mind a lot these days - - I can do better. I will do better. I know days run together and the children can be tiring, but I love what I'm doing. I love being a mother. I have it with in me to love and to nurture. THAT is the kind of woman I need to be.
This has been our summer to grieve Isaac. We've grieved him together. We still grieve him. Grieve him strongly. We're closer for it. I am a better mother for it. I can claim success for my children, that they have experienced the joy of summer. I didn't have that as a kid. I had summers full of boredom and fear. I was locked up in my room for weeks at a time. We longed for a different home, one where we were loved, one where we could just be kids. Although some moments I have failed miserably as a mother, my children have been happy, and nurtured, and loved. THAT I can claim this summer. I can still claim that I have given more to my children than that which was ever given to me. Small triumphs, dear friends, small triumphs.