Tuesday, May 19, 2009

A Road Less Traveled.









Isaac was born early that Wednesday morning, and didn't make a sound. My surgery took longer then I had expected because there was scar tissue to cut through, so I asked the doctor if the baby had born yet. He hadn't. I lay there on the operating table knowing the birth of Isaac would also meant his death. I wondered if my baby would cry. I wondered how severe his defect would be. I wondered if the baby would breath, I wondered if he would even live. And live he did, for 70 minutes. Isaac was born, in all his glory, at 8am, and peacefully slipped away from us at 9:10am.

The section itself was the same old thing. I barfed a couple times. My blood pressure was all over the place. I had a hard time breathing from all the water. They pumped fluids into me like no other. And I was tired. By that point I had already been up 24 hours, and a couple times I felt like closing my eyes and just resting. Part of me wanted to sleep, to escape. I had completed my task. I had carried my baby as long as medically possible, and God was deciding the rest.

Isaac was born, and they whisked him away. I asked the doctor if the baby had attempted to cry, and he said that Isaac had pulled that classic new born grimace face and tried once to breath, once to cry. He couldn't. But. His heart was beating strongly. I knew we had him for a short time. Andrew hovered over the baby. In that moment, it broke him. He brought the baby to me, tears streaming down his face, and told me Isaac was still alive. I looked at the baby. I didn't cry. I stared. I stared and I took deep breaths. I stared and realized that God had given us this child and I loved him. Completely. I looked at Isaac's face and remarked at how pretty he was. His face was complete. He had chubby cheeks and a button nose. His eyes were open and he was looking at me. His defect didn't show, and I began to cry as I told Andrew to take the baby to the children. I knew they needed to meet Isaac alive. So I was left there, getting sewn up. Minutes ago I had been joking about how much water was gushing out of me, and now I was wondering if I would see Isaac again, alive.

About 30 minutes later I was taken into my hospital room. I cried as I was wheeled in through the door as I looked at my family member's faces. I had never seem that look in their eyes before. I told the men in the family to give Isaac a name and a blessing. They prayed over the baby, blessed him, and gave him back to me. Every few minutes or so our nurse would check Isaac's heart beat. I knew he was getting close to leaving us. He and I gazed into each other's eyes, and I held onto him. I held onto him and whispered that I loved him. I told the nurse that I felt like Isaac had died, and indeed he had. He passed quietly back to Jesus that morning, in my loving, adoring arms. At that moment I clutched Isaac to me and wept silently over this body. No one made a sound in the room. Not. One. Sound. They respectfully and quietly watched and grieved with me.

The rest of that day is hard to explain. It was the most horrifyingly spiritual experience of my life. It was the hardest day of my life, yet the most peaceful. At some point, over the next few weeks I'll account for those moments, but for now, this is the next part of our story. There is much that is too sacred and private to share, and there is much left to write about, and I will, as I write on.

31 comments:

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I'm so happy that you were blessed with 70 minutes with your beautiful son.
xoxo

Celia said...

That was beautiful...It brings me to tears but I can feel the love through your words.

I understand about the time after Isaac passing being hard and yet peaceful. I am at that point in my writing as well and am not sure when I will post it. It was the most peaceful day yes but also the very hardest day.

You know that I continue to think of you often and pray for you much. I love you sweet friend.

Thank you for being so brave and writing and sharing more of Isaac's story.

Kate said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us! You have a way with words, and you are a beautiful writer. May you continue to feel God's peace and comfort! Many prayers, lots of love for your family. -Kate

Verna said...

Thank you for sharing this portion of your story.

May God continue to bless you and comfort you in these days.

Will continue to pray for you and your family.

Holly said...

Thank you for writing this Misty. It brought tears to my eyes. The peace during that time is hard to explain (at least for me). I don't think words could ever get it right. Thinking of you, my friend! Much love!!!

Kikit said...

probably one of the best 70 minutes in your life. :) thanks for sharing this story.

Kami's Khlopchyk said...

Oh Misty, I can hardly see the screen to type this. Your words are so eloquent and express your love and pain so well. Thank you for inviting us into your journey with Isaac, I feel very blessed to be a part of it. Blessed to know.

I love you!

Lara said...

Beautiful, Misty, as usual. I like how you described it as "horrifyingly spiritual" I think that really put it into perspective for me.

The photos are wonderful, too.

LisaShaw said...

Misty - I received your message and I appreciate it and know that I like so many others are deeply touched in your sharing with us a time that was both beautiful, precious and painful all at once.

May God's peace continue with you and your family as you share with us.

S said...

70 beautiful minutes. My heart hurts for your loss. Hugs...

Cheryl said...

Love is so obvious here.
You are such a gift to all of us, thank you for sharing
Thinking of you!

Mrs. Caddigan said...

I am so very grateful to you for giving me/us a glimpse in to what you are journeying through. And I look forward to reading more about your precious little boy. Know that you are loved....

Laurie in Ca. said...

These are such sacred and sweet words you write here. Isaac is such a beautiful little boy and my heart just hurts for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers and thank you so much for sharing your precious treasure here with us. Praying for the deep pain that is in your heart.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Pokeyann said...

What a precious little boy! I love you!

Mom Putnam said...

Wow, that brought some tears. I was so glad that you were able to have time with your baby boy, (by the way he is beautiful, love the 1 picture) God sure blesses when he knows we need it. I thank you for the times you write and words of inspiration which help me to help others. would like to write you sometime . my mail is LCP1958@tds.net. Cant wait to hear from you.

Alicia W. said...

Misty - Thank you for posting this - I can barely read my own typing through my tears. Your story has touched my heart so much and I pray for you each and every day.

Beth said...

Thank you for sharing your story..Isaac's story with us. Thinking of your family here in Ohio.

Nickel Pickle said...

Isaac's story brought tears to my eyes as well. Thank you so much for sharing it.

((hugs))
Nicole mommy to Logan.

Michele said...

such a beautiful story

Klin said...

I felt anxiety as I read and realized that this day of sacrifice meant more than just letting him go once. It must have been difficult to let him go while you were being sewn up.

I wish I could hug you right now.

just jamie said...

I just love you Misty. Your courage is light in which we all bask.

Amy said...

I am here--I continue to read--and pray for you. All my love to you.

Jason, as himself said...

I'm glad you're writing about it.

Anna-b-bonkers said...

Misty, I have been reading and following along. I haven't been able to comment. I haven't know what to say. Are there even words?
Every time I read I am gut wrenched and my heart just breaks.
I clutch my huge belly and pray.
I mourn.
I feel guilty for not being ready for our baby but also scared.
I cannot type and can hardly read. I want to hold you.
I think of what you must be going through. Having people not know what you just went through. I would want to scream at everyone.
Having empty arms, trying to recover, longing.
I would just want to scream and hide.
Scream at God.
Why?
WHY?
I know His ways are higher and wiser and He knows what is best but sometimes I don't understand.

The big picture is so hard to see.
Trusting is hard.

I will continue praying.


I pray for you. For God's mercies and for healing.
I still don't really know what to say. I just blew through 1/4 box of kleenex again.

You are beautiful.

Christina said...

What beautiful pictures & sweet moments you had together. I can't wait to write Issac's name in the Ocean City sand for you.

Debbie said...

Misty, your strength continues to touch my tender soul. I am so happy that you were able to spend those precious moments with Isaac. You amaze me in ways I can't describe so I have nominated you for a blog award. Go to I Luv Fireflys to retrieve your blog. Thank you for allowing me and others to enter your world and gain strength and wisdom from you.

Kaleena said...

I just found your blog and I'm so glad I did. There are tears in my eyes from reading your post. I lost my only son 2 years ago. He never took a breath or opened his eyes. I am so glad that you were blessed with 70 minutes with your sweet baby. I have 3 little girls and feel blessed to have them, but I miss my Samuel every minute or everyday. After 2 years, the pain is still there, but not as overpowereing as it once was. I am so very sorry you had to join this club that no one ever wants to be a member of. I will continue to follow your road less traveled and keep you and your family in my prayers.

Dalene said...

Thank you for sharing our beautiful little boy with his chubby cheeks and button nose. I'm so sorry that he is not with you.

meme9878 said...

Thank you for sharing your story. It was comforting yet at the same time heartbreaking. As I continue my journey thru Anencephaly I will reflect on your sweet words and find comfort in your blessing. My heart is aching for you and your family and I know that my time is nearing every single day. We are now at 24 1/2 weeks and my little angel is starting to be so active. Bless you and your family. (((((HUGS))))) Mia

4 Lettre Words said...

Truly beautiful pictures of a most amazing event.

Your sweet little boy is such a gift. And, I am praying that you never forget that for even one minute.

Carie said...

If we trust God, we know that each small moment of our lives can touch someone else's. You have touched mine. I happened on your blog and want to thank you and Noah for touching me today. Thank you for your insight into that unique role we play as mothers, of the precious value of each moment of life, and of the blessed faith we must have in Almighty God to survive and thrive.

Some day, you will hold this child in your arms again and you can ask God, "Why?"--not to demand an answer but to better understand His purpose. May He bless you until that day, and may your other children rise up and call you blessed.