Few people know her. It's how you change after your baby dies in your arms. It's how I noticed I trust less people, yet trust others more. It's how I prefer to stay at home, and prefer to not see anyone, except my own family, and a best friend or two. I have been so thankful for my best friend. She lives across the street. She has really, really come through for me. She calls me every day. She involves me in her every day plans like she said she would. I'm not alone. I have her. She made promises, she kept them, I trust her. Completely.
I don't like other people's babies. I don't want to HOLD other people's babies or hear about them. I want my own baby. I don't want to hear about pregnancy, I want to be pregnant myself. And I can be, starting in October. The doctor said. I wish it was October. I hate being asked "How are you doing?" by random people. How do they think I'm doing?? How do they think they'd be doing if their baby died? I hate how people make my emotional distance from them about them. I think it's safe in this situation to assume my sorrow has nothing to do with you. Right? You bet it is. My already tight circle has tightened more. That's just how it is, and how it's going to stay. I choose - - it's my choice to have very few friends, and the ones I have, I LOVE. There isn't anything wrong with that. I don't need therapy over it, don't need to be discussed, don't need help - - it's my nature, it's who I am. My friends are my family. I don't need dozens of them.
The children are home for the SUMMER! Can I say I'm happy?? I'm HAPPY!! Really, really, really, REALLY happy. All three of my babies are home with me, for three months. Bliss. Late nights. Late mornings. No homework. All play. You just can't beat it.
I think about Isaac all of the time. I cry when I see my Ian grow, because I think that Isaac should have been that little boy, too. I was at the music festival at the kid's school today, and I thought about how I should have just given birth to Isaac, and that he would have been only a week or so old. But he's not. He's dead. I should have him to hold, but I don't.
And that, my friends, is just how it is............. Life moves on in a different sort of way. I've changed, I have new challenges, different things are important and less important to me, and I simply am learning how to live knowing I have a child, whom is a living part of our family, yet he soars above me, but is mine just the same.