Saturday, May 30, 2009

The new....


Few people know her. It's how you change after your baby dies in your arms. It's how I noticed I trust less people, yet trust others more. It's how I prefer to stay at home, and prefer to not see anyone, except my own family, and a best friend or two. I have been so thankful for my best friend. She lives across the street. She has really, really come through for me. She calls me every day. She involves me in her every day plans like she said she would. I'm not alone. I have her. She made promises, she kept them, I trust her. Completely.

I don't like other people's babies. I don't want to HOLD other people's babies or hear about them. I want my own baby. I don't want to hear about pregnancy, I want to be pregnant myself. And I can be, starting in October. The doctor said. I wish it was October. I hate being asked "How are you doing?" by random people. How do they think I'm doing?? How do they think they'd be doing if their baby died? I hate how people make my emotional distance from them about them. I think it's safe in this situation to assume my sorrow has nothing to do with you. Right? You bet it is. My already tight circle has tightened more. That's just how it is, and how it's going to stay. I choose - - it's my choice to have very few friends, and the ones I have, I LOVE. There isn't anything wrong with that. I don't need therapy over it, don't need to be discussed, don't need help - - it's my nature, it's who I am. My friends are my family. I don't need dozens of them.

The children are home for the SUMMER! Can I say I'm happy?? I'm HAPPY!! Really, really, really, REALLY happy. All three of my babies are home with me, for three months. Bliss. Late nights. Late mornings. No homework. All play. You just can't beat it.

I think about Isaac all of the time. I cry when I see my Ian grow, because I think that Isaac should have been that little boy, too. I was at the music festival at the kid's school today, and I thought about how I should have just given birth to Isaac, and that he would have been only a week or so old. But he's not. He's dead. I should have him to hold, but I don't.

And that, my friends, is just how it is............. Life moves on in a different sort of way. I've changed, I have new challenges, different things are important and less important to me, and I simply am learning how to live knowing I have a child, whom is a living part of our family, yet he soars above me, but is mine just the same.


Anonymous said...

There isn't anything I can say to make this any easier for you. I know this. You know this. So I won't pretend there is. However, I will tell you that I read your words. them. I feel your pain. I know your heart is broken.. for mine breaks along with yours. I'm just a stranger. I don't know you but I think of you. I think of your beautiful boy Isaac. I think it's just not fair. I question why? Why God? Why do babies die? Why do some mommies get to hold their babies and others don't? I don't understand it. I don't know that I ever will. I long for you to hold your baby just like you long to hold your baby. I get why you are shutting yourself off.. for I've done the same thing. Although not for the same reason as you.. but I know how it feels to close yourself in. I understand to a degree the anger that goes along with that. I will continue to read your words. And I will continue to think of you and Isaac. I hope in some small way knowing that will bring you a little comfort. Love from Ohio.

Michelle said...

Thank you for your honest words. So much of what you say in your blog explains my feelings about my angel son. You are a beautiful writer and person for sharing your feelings with us.

I agree, life does move on in a different way. And sometimes the road along that journey is a bumpy one.

Thank you for sharing.

Cheryl said...

This is about noone else but you and your friend told me a few weeks ago that friends are family you choose. I love that you have chosen such a great friend who is just like family to you.
Summer is here, your kids will be smiling at all the play I bet you have planned!
Take care

Mrs. Spit said...

I'm sorry. The death of our child leaves us shells of ourselves, changed and broken in a way that we could never have anticipated.

I'm sorry. I remember well that feeling of not being able to recognize myelf.

Lara said...

I am so glad you have your best friend across the street. I can tell that she is an angel. And what a blessing that you have your kids home for the summer now.

Holly said...

I am so glad to hear that you have such a great friend near you. She sounds so wonderful. Bless her for being there for you!!

You know, I really don't like that question either-"how are you doing?" Most of the time it seems like your only being asked out of necessity. People expect you to say ok and you just give them what they want to hear because they don't want to know how you are really feeling-that would just leave them feeling awkward while you are crying.

I hope you have a great summer with your kids. What wonderful times! I always love the summertime.

Lots of love!!

Michele said...

life does change... we change... our children have died- how could we stay the same? i wish people would realize that when they ask dumb questions...

Debbie said...

I am a stranger too, but like so many others our lives have been touched by your sacrifices. When people ask me if I'm OK, I tell them an honest answer. Usually it's not what they are expecting. I'm glad you have your dear friend also, they are our life jacket when we need it the most. Enjoy your summer with your kids.

Laurie in Ca. said...

Oh Misty,

Every word you express here is so honest and real from your heart. I admire you so much for putting it out here. I don't know much about your grief, but I do know it changes you forever. How could it not? Holding tight to those you trust and love will help you to get through this heartache. I love that your best friend lives right across the street. It must bless her to be able to help you. I am praying for peace and gentleness for you sweet mom.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Klin said...

I love your courage to say the things that others need to hear. You are a strong amazing woman and even if you don't feel like you are, you still are.

I can't imagine how painful this is. It is a huge sacrifice and it has certainly changed all of your family.

Your grief will go on for sometime and will come to you in bits and pieces. You are right about not needing therapy. You are your own best therapist.

Take care of yourself.

Shannon said...

For the first few months after my Chaya passed, I kept getting asked "How are you doing?" Finally, I cracked. "How on earth do you THINK I'm doing?" I'd scream at them. It's enough to make you want to pin a note on your blouse detailing exactly how you're feeling so you don't have to hear that stupid question over and over again.

The people who ask it mean well, but what on earth do they expect you to say? "Oh, I'm doing GREAT. I'm a mother who is one child short of the perfection that should be. But other than that, SWELL!" While rolling your ever tearing-up eyes at them.

I still have days of not wanting to see anyone else's babies. Which is hard because I have a new nephew, born 1 1/2 months before my darling passed away, whom I adore.

Mandy said...

I seriously hate "other people" being pregnant. I dont forgive them for it. I can't stand people who haven't been through a loss. It makes me sick. As I go through second one, I kind of wonder what is in store for me next. I can't believe in God like you do...ever. I know that I can't, and that makes me feel so week.

Mom Putnam said...

My Dear Misty,
I am so glad you have your neighbor friend who is there with you with a helping hand in every way you need or want it. Wish I was closer to you too, but I am only here in OHIO thinking and praying for you from afar. Glad you have your kids with you for the summer. Love those months of playtime and NO set schedules.
I won't pretend to know what you are going through because I don't, all I know for sure is that I love you as a friend, love you as a daughter, love you as a sister in Christ. Going through a loss too but on a different level than you, and I won't pretend to understand it, only have to try and deal with the level of pain mine is and try and understand in my heart how much heavier it is for you and be as compassionate as I can.
Love you Misty, Keep on writing, I love EVERY word.

Chandy said...

Hi I'm Lara's friend. I was one of those ladies that cried for days when I read her post about baby Isaac. You never visited me or acknowledged my visit but since then, I've never been able to forget you, your family or your baby Isaac. And I never will. I'm grateful for that. I have never cried over strangers before as I have for you. Another friend of Lara and I also lost her baby son at 8 months, so for weeks, I, too questioned God why good mothers have to suffer so and more tears flooded my face. Reading your feelings on what happened is definitely difficult to digest for those who don't understand, like me, but I appreciate the honesty and love that with that honesty, you can begin to heal...

Alicia W. said...

It hurts my heart to see the pain in your words. You have every single right to feel the way you do and express it anyway you want. I'm so glad that you have a TRUE friend that lives so close to you to help you through this. Not that it will get any easier but every day that passes hopefully you will find some sorda peace.

I pray for you each and every single day although we have never even met. Your an amazing woman and Oct will be here soon but like you said.. not soon enough.

Love, Alicia

Nickel Pickle said...

And you have every right in the world to feel this way.

I also learned that people show their true colors when something like this happens. You really do learn who is REALLY there for you. I lost a few friends when we found out Logan would not make it. They could not handle my grief and the way the needed to handle it. So I just did not need people in my life who cant be there for me when I need them the most.

Anyways your right you are a different person. Some people will be able to handle and others will go about their lives as if nothing ever happened....Sadly.

Anyways good luck to you when you get ready to ttc again.

Nicole Mommy to Logan Quinn.