Tuesday, June 8, 2010

What's your best?

Today marks 14 long, yet incredibly fast-passing months since my beloved Isaac died. I find myself in some what of a box right now after now miscarrying a second after a dead child. I cannot say that I feel more broken, mainly I feel more discouraged. But discouraged with the same resolve to keep in mind that I have been prompted, miscarriages or not, that there are still babies for my family. I don't understand this here and now. I'm tired and worn out by this immense heartache I lug around with me, day in day out. I still feel envious over other women carrying new babies. Envy over women who have had dead babies, and are now realizing the new joy and healing that comes with a new little one to hold, nurture and love. I so want that. With all my heart. That desire does not diminish the love and adoration and gratitude for the children I do have, I simply still have the desire to again, become a mother. I just cannot accept that my last birthing experience will result in a newborn dieing in my arms. There is something new for me. Something new, some day soon, I can only pray. The miracle of it all. Pregnancy is miraculous. Newborns are gifts. I want to shake women who take it for granted. They do not understand that all can be lost. Love your babies. Nurture your children. Be thankful. Please, I beg of you. I, myself, can do better.

What's your best?? Surely what yours is, and what mine happens to be is different. I've spent many a day feeling ashamed for where I am at. I perhaps, have not been as faithful a Christian as others. I have not done as well as others who pray faithfully through their trials and heartaches. I have not been in the church benches ever Sunday, as an outward symbol that I still believe. But. Friends. I have done my best.

I did not, in my most wild dreams, consider that my heartache over a lost, abuse filled childhood, could be trumped. I felt as though I had fought that good fight. I did not question God while I was being molested as a young child. I did not question God as I was smacked around as a teenager, or watched my sister get beaten in the head by the flying fists of my adoptive mother. I heard His voice. My mental health and soul was protected. But this. This. The dead baby, the miscarriages, the desperation, the anger, loneliness, this trumps it all. The heartache, although more easily masked, is still there. The same as it was when my son died peacefully in my arms. I feel it, every day, it is my constant companion. I have struggled to hear God's voice still. I cannot hear His voice as easily as I did when I was a child. I want Him to, I beg Him to, help take this away. I beg, even now as I write this post, to ease this burden. I beg Him to bless us with something new.

Friends, I have done my best. I've lost a couple friends and supporters along the way. I've lost a friend, who I have known for the past 6.5 years, that I have known all along does NOT get me. Her own fear of failure of inadequacies where dropped onto my plate. I let HER down. Her own fear of failure created a problem in our friendship that has caused it's end. Another friend, I expressed doubt in seeing her through a pregnancy, that was closely entwined with both of my miscarriages, we both lost our babies a month apart, we pregnant together, she's going to give birth, I felt my pregnancies pass through my body - - there was no compassion there. I find that compassion and understanding runs out. They run out long before the journey has been walked. I tend to hang on tight, too tightly, to ended friendships. I feel like I should make it right, even at the expense of myself. I've vowed to end that habit. I have to let it go, for my own good. Because, truly, I have done my best. Whether it's been acceptable to the watcher close by, I have done the best that I could do, given these circumstances. My best isn't graceful, or patient, or reasonable, but it's been all that I could give.

God is good. Christ lives. The scriptures will bring peace and healing into your life. When you think you cannot pray, just start talking. Talking to Him. He'll listen. God knows us, His Son stands for us. Keep journeying, on whatever road you're walking, better days are ahead. This is my promise to you, as we both search for it, that we will find it. God bless you as we walk this walk together.

7 comments:

Karol said...

Praying for you. I hear and feel the agony of every word written. It's a dark and lonely road that we are one. Yet there is no darkness so great that our Lord is not with us.

Also, the locket is beautiful.
Thank You
Karol

Jodi Lansink said...

I know I never have the right words to say---but I want you to know you I only wish and pray for the best for you. I pray you are able to carry and welcome a new baby into your family....you deserve that just as much as anyone else. Praying for you.....

Klin said...

This post is evidence of your strength. I can see it in every sentence. I am sorry you have lost friends. It brings to mind the question, "were they ever really your friends?" Friends don't leave just because it gets really, really hard. I, too, hope you will get your desire to carry, birth, and raise another child. It's a mother thing.

S said...

I'm so happy to hear you say that there are still other babies out there for you. I think that is God talking to you. That is His voice. During my m/c's, many times my husband hinted that we should stop. Be happy with one healthy child. It was like I couldn't stop. I asked God to take the desire out of my heart if that was His will. Day after day, week after week, m/c after m/c, the desire was still there. My husband would look at me as to say, why? Why do you continue to put yourself thru this pain? this misery. I didn't have an answer. I just knew my heart said try again, try again. I finally realized He WAS listening. He WAS answering me by leaving my strong desire to be a Mommy again. It took me a long time to realize that THAT was His voice.

Hugs and love.

Brenda said...

Having had 2 miscarriages I know some of the grief and loneliness that you feel. It is not something you can get over but just try to keep moving on each day. i am so sorry to hear about the death of your baby. My heart cries for you. I think we all have things in our past that people don't or can't understand. I think a lot of people are lonely and looking for someone to understand and walk through the dark waters with them until they come out on the other side. i do know God is holding you in His arms even if you don't feel Him near now or as close as you did before. He loves you!

Jason, as himself said...

That's right. You've done your best. And that is all anyone else really could ever expect from you!

Hannah Rose said...

I look forward to joining you in your journey. :) Blessings! Check out my babyloss blog: roseandherlily.blogspot.com