Friday, June 18, 2010


After miscarriage, both times, since a dead baby, the hardest part for me is waiting for my first period to come. After my D&C in January it took 7 weeks. I'm nearly at 5 weeks now, the second go round. That period (no pun intended) of waiting is very distressing. I feel stuck, and a little angry with my body. I feel like I'm not moving forward. I cope with loss more easily when I can see a time of hope in the future. The standard "waiting" period for pregnancy after a miscarriage is two normal menstrual cycles. I've counseled with my OB, and there are two medications we are going to add in during early pregnancy to help sustain early pregnancy growth. I'm getting pregnant. But I can't STAY pregnant. I find myself scratching my head after birthing 4 children, that I would now have miscarriages. And even though the doctor says "It's normal, it happens, I see it a lot", I'm not so cool with it. Not really at all actually. We've prayed, we're praying, and will continue to pray to know what is right for our family. We will pray to know how to proceed as the next weeks pass, and we pray, mightily, for SUCCESS.

I don't do pregnant friends. I just don't. I have started two of my pregnancies with people I know from church, and both times I'm the one standing there with an empty uterus, while those women's pregnancies have progressed. I distance myself from friends who are trying to get pregnant at the same time, because it STRESSES me out. People think I'm a rude, or a little uncaring, but have you ever done it??? Have you ever had a dead baby, and miscarriages after, and had to have that reminder in your face. And lets be honest, it's awkward. I'm the wrong women to complain to. I'm the wrong woman to talk about being tired to, because your baby is up at all hours of the night. I'm the wrong person to complain to when you don't feel good from morning sickness, or it you're retaining too much water. It's just freaking plain awkward. And trust me, in Mormon-land you CANNOT escape it. Babies are everywhere. Pregnant bellies are everywhere. Crying newborns are everywhere. Church is full of them. My extended FAMILY is full of them. If I have the ability to protect myself a little bit, I do it. Other wise it hurts too much. It's not personal, it's self preservation.

I'm off now in search for FIREWORKS today. The 4th is coming, and I love little more than this holiday spent with my B-F-F across the street, lighting off fireworks for hours at a time. The kids get bored, but not Lisa and I. We've got this down to a science now. So, fireworks, and I should probably start with getting dressed, too....

Until next time.

xo M.


Ashley said...

I believe, religios choice aside, God has given some people a heart for children. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I'm one of those people, he's given me a soul to love them, to care for them and to raise them as I believe He's called me to. I'd love to have 5 kids, my body however doesn't exactly agree.

I also believe, that you are someone else He's given a heart for children. I'm sorry it's so hard for you, I'm sorry that you're hurting and that the people who you'd normally turn two inadvertantly bring sorrow to your day, I'm just sorry.

I hope you're hugged today by someone who can make you feel a special as you are!

Have a great weekend!

Pokeyann said...

Oh my, I relate, the people and all their pregnancy, baby, don't whine to me...seriously don't whine to me about it. And the stupid stories and there ridiculous and incredibly insensitive efforts at "relating". I'm glad you are finding your way out and about, I really didn't even try until we moved here. I'm sad that because of my hermitish ways I missed out on many hours that could have been spent with you. I love you and miss you and think of you daily.

Cheryl said...

I cannot relate to what you have experienced....I read your words and my heart aches for you as you are meant to be a mom and I'm confused as to why it will not happen easily for you. Some people do not want kids and they get them so easily, without any pain..your journey to grow your family is painful and to me, that is unfair.
When we were trying to get pregnant, I avoided friends as well, and I lost many friends because of it. I do not shy away from my selfishness during that time. I was selfish as I wanted to have more kids. I wanted to be up at night.
You are not alone..hugs