I have always hated Mondays. Monday means back to work after an easy going weekend. Back to work after playing summer days away and not worrying about schedules and house work.
I've found myself in some sort of funk since my period came a week or so ago. Initially I felt excitement, because my body seems to be ironing out it's kinks quickly, but that excitement was followed quickly by sadness. Sadness over many things, actually. Pregnancy used to mean a carefree time that meant a baby in the end. I know better now. Pregnancy can mean the death of a newborn, and pregnancy can mean miscarriages. More than one. I found it easier to accept my first miscarriage after my baby's death, because having a miscarriage is a normal complication. After the second miscarriage, I have found myself thinking about pregnancy again, even if I want it badly, is very distressing. Who's to say I won't have a 3rd miscarriage??
I've consulted with my doctor. He's a good, knowledgeable man. He's been in the profession for over 25 years. He's delivered 3 of my 4 children. He's also seen this struggle come to many women. Unexplainable miscarriages following a string of live births. There's no rhyme or reason. It just happens. While miscarriage may "just happen", I've prayed for inspiration to know if I should be doing things differently. There are hormone levels that need to increase after a pregnancy has begun, if they don't, the pregnancy ends, as the women eventually starts to bleed. I'll be adding some hormone supplements in immediately following another pregnancy. I'm hoping these supplements will help my body with what it should be doing on it's own.
I guess I find myself more realistically thinking about where I'm at, and realizing another baby may not come easily to my family, or may not come at all. I've spent a lot of time praying to know how to move forward. I've been praying to easily recognize my limits, and to know what to share and what to keep quiet.
I find myself coming back to a specific verse found in Matthew, chapter 7, verse 6.
"Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you."
Motherhood is a sacred thing to me. Not because I am religious, but because it's something I have sought after since I was a young child. I have always know the worth of birthing and raising children. I have always wanted and adored children, and felt great worth is creating a family that is my own. I cannot describe that desire so that someone understands. I cannot explain to someone how traumatic it is to live life again, after your baby has died. I cannot explain answer to prayer, and I cannot explain or defend my position on wanting another child, even though it may be a fight to find that dream again. I'm beginning to realize that I don't have to answer or explain to anyone else. I don't have to share or defend what is holy to me, so that another may trample my most sacred dreams. This is a journey unique to me. One in which I feel confident to make the right choices, even if someone else does not understand.
I don't have the answers yet. I don't know what lies ahead. What I do know is this. After huge trials, blessings always come. Those blessings may now always be what we imagined, but they're coming. They're coming for me, for Andrew, and for my children. After huge loss, there is always huge gain.
Elder Richard G. Scott said: “To exercise faith is to trust that the Lord knows what He is doing with you and that He can accomplish it for your eternal good even though you cannot understand how He can possibly do it. We are like infants in our understanding of eternal matters and their impact on us here in mortality. Yet at times we act as if we knew it all. When you pass through trials for His purposes, as you trust Him, exercise faith in Him, He will help you. That support will generally come step by step, a portion at a time. While you are passing through each phase, the pain and difficulty that come from being enlarged will continue. If all matters were immediately resolved at your first petition, you could not grow. Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love.”
More another time...