Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Rainbow what?

I hate the term "Rainbow" to describe a subsequent pregnancy after loss. And I hate it for a number of reasons. And I hate all the shout-outs from dead baby Mamas who announce their news, but then say "so sorry" you have not been blessed yet like they have been. I hate the division it makes in bereavement groups, and I hate the awkwardness that passes between the haves and have-nots. Bereaved women move up and onward when they have the promise of a new life growing in their bellies. They blog less, share less, appear to grieve less, and it's left me feeling pretty abandoned. Because really, being pregnant after a dead baby is way better than not being pregnant. Not only do I grieve the loss of my dead son, but I grieve the possibility of never being able to have a baby again, that this might be it for me, that time has passed and I cannot get it back. Every month when I start to bleed I see failure, a blessing missed, a dream shattered, a new reminder of all that I have lost. It's not the same. My journey has been different than those that have been pregnant for months out of this first bereaved year. It hurts worse for me. That's how I see it anyway.

And you know it gets worse?? You tell me what you call a pregnancy that dies AFTER you already lost. Tell me the term for a "Rainbow" that DIES. Death cloud? Dream shatterer?? Stings a little bit, doesn't it?? Stings a lot, actually.

I've been lacking the support I desire, and I've been lacking the support because I didn't dare want to share because of how offended other women might be. It's hindered this outlet I used to have and love. I think as I move to a more private setting in my blog I can gather women around me that will rally together with me though this new journey - - - which is trying to conceive after a dead child and after a miscarriage. That doesn't necessarily mean women in my same boat, it means women I've bonded with along the way, in my day to day life, and through the internet. And I don't really care anymore if it hurt someone eles's feelings. This space is about me, and what I feel, and the support I desire. Don't like it? Don't agree? Keep moving on.

Rainbows?? That's bullshit to me. "Faith Baby"?? That's a term I can relate to more. Every single time I have allowed the chance for pregnancy in my life, it has required faith. Faith in God to give or to take away. Faith in God that his timing is better than mine. Faith that He knows best for me, even when I think I know better than Him. Faith babies, all of mine, no pregnancy excluded.

I'm chasing my faith baby. Every month, until I catch him or her. Hopefully with a little more honesty along the way.

*If you want to follow along when my blog is set to private, please email me your email address and blog address at abnmln@gmail.com


Kaleena said...

Amen sister! Now that's the kind of honesty that I can appreciate. You should be able to post your blog the way you want to post it. It's refreshing to see someone actually say those things out loud for once. You're right, being a baby loss mama sucks. It's heartbreaking and devastating and trying to conceive only to fail month after month is about enough to make you wanna put your head thru a wall. As for rainbow babies? I've always hated that term. Faith baby sounds just about right to me:)
Hugs to you and thank you for this post. I enjoyed seeing your spirit come out with a little fire behind it!

Karol said...

Oh wow! You may have just opened a whole can of worms from me. I'm fort this week, tubes are tied after 4th baby due to 3 complicated pregnancies. Now, my adopted baby is gone, tragically ripped from my arms. Yes!!!! I loved her every bit as much my bio kids. Yes!!! I long for another child to hold in my arms. NO!!!! It doesn't matter that I have five other children, she was my baby. She was uniquely beautiful and precious, my baby. So tired of people who say they understand. So tired of longing for my little girl. Just so tired.

Kami's Khlopchyk said...

Misty, I can't claim to understand even a fraction of what you know daily. However, I have chased that "just one more baby" as I called it for me. I didn't want to hear about so and so and their 6th pregnancy that happened accidentaly even though they were on the pill. Every single one of those hurt. Sometimes they still hurt. The irony that I wanted another so badly and couldn't.

Anyway, what I wanted to say was I think I can relate, in some small way. I have come to terms with the fact that I will have not more babies. And I have never felt so free.

I hope that you can have that same freedom, however it may come to you.

Jason, as himself said...

All I know is that I want you to be happy, and I hope that your dream of having another baby will come true.

I'm sorry blogging has taken a negative turn for you.

You have my email address. I hope I will be invited when it is private.

Lara said...

(hugs) Misty.

I'm sorry things are difficult. And I pray that you will be blessed with that Faith baby very soon.

lisastassforth said...

I found your blog through another mother who has lost a child. I have been sitting here for the last hour reading through many of your posts. I just cannot stop reading. You express your feelings so well and I appreciate your openness. My deepest condolences to you and your family over the loss of your sweet Isaac. Please include me when your blog goes private.

April said...

Remembering Isaac with you today <3

Trisha Larson said...

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you today as you honor the precious (but too short) life of Issac.

Sending hugs,

Michele said...

I'm not a fan of that term and have never used it. To me, it almost sounds as if the new baby is replacing the darkness of the old. I know that isnt the intent but it's always rubbed me the wrong way.

Damaris said...

I've never heard the term and I'm so thankful that I've never been in a position where it relates to me. I also hope to never be.

However, thank you for sharing your experience and for your blunt honesty. YES!

Susan said...

I absolutely love this post. I lost my baby in October 2009. Then got pregnant in Jan and miscarried in feb. I am chasing that faith baby also and it hurts. I so want to be pregnant but also feel like it will never happen. I see your ticker on the side of your blog and it looks like you have good news.God bless you and I will be back to visit and feel encouraged.