I hate the term "Rainbow" to describe a subsequent pregnancy after loss. And I hate it for a number of reasons. And I hate all the shout-outs from dead baby Mamas who announce their news, but then say "so sorry" you have not been blessed yet like they have been. I hate the division it makes in bereavement groups, and I hate the awkwardness that passes between the haves and have-nots. Bereaved women move up and onward when they have the promise of a new life growing in their bellies. They blog less, share less, appear to grieve less, and it's left me feeling pretty abandoned. Because really, being pregnant after a dead baby is way better than not being pregnant. Not only do I grieve the loss of my dead son, but I grieve the possibility of never being able to have a baby again, that this might be it for me, that time has passed and I cannot get it back. Every month when I start to bleed I see failure, a blessing missed, a dream shattered, a new reminder of all that I have lost. It's not the same. My journey has been different than those that have been pregnant for months out of this first bereaved year. It hurts worse for me. That's how I see it anyway.
And you know it gets worse?? You tell me what you call a pregnancy that dies AFTER you already lost. Tell me the term for a "Rainbow" that DIES. Death cloud? Dream shatterer?? Stings a little bit, doesn't it?? Stings a lot, actually.
I've been lacking the support I desire, and I've been lacking the support because I didn't dare want to share because of how offended other women might be. It's hindered this outlet I used to have and love. I think as I move to a more private setting in my blog I can gather women around me that will rally together with me though this new journey - - - which is trying to conceive after a dead child and after a miscarriage. That doesn't necessarily mean women in my same boat, it means women I've bonded with along the way, in my day to day life, and through the internet. And I don't really care anymore if it hurt someone eles's feelings. This space is about me, and what I feel, and the support I desire. Don't like it? Don't agree? Keep moving on.
Rainbows?? That's bullshit to me. "Faith Baby"?? That's a term I can relate to more. Every single time I have allowed the chance for pregnancy in my life, it has required faith. Faith in God to give or to take away. Faith in God that his timing is better than mine. Faith that He knows best for me, even when I think I know better than Him. Faith babies, all of mine, no pregnancy excluded.
I'm chasing my faith baby. Every month, until I catch him or her. Hopefully with a little more honesty along the way.
*If you want to follow along when my blog is set to private, please email me your email address and blog address at firstname.lastname@example.org