Ya'll better have a look:

Above is my Mothers Day gift this year. It's on it's way to my home, Andrew's going to wrap it, I'm going to un-wrap it, and wear it everywhere. I love it that much.

During one of our marathon conversations Celia and I poured over this jewelry. I decided I had to have it, and I was thrilled to find something so darling that would include all my children. Funny tidbit: I added the dragonfly and the butterfly to symbolize the children I hoped to birth (and raise) the future. I had no idea I was pregnant. I chose Isaac's birthstone to accompany their charms as any child that comes to our family after him is because of him. This is my way of holding a little bit of heaven close to my heart. My children are my treasures. I know and love each and every one of them, before and after they've joined our family.


Now, onto the BEST part. Kristi from Bugaboo Jewelry is giving away this darling locket. This is what I need from you, for a chance to win. Please leave me a comment about who you would remember this locket with. And by all means, check her OUT!! She is a sweetheart beyond words, and is super dedicated to creating a custom, personalized piece, for each and every customer. Not only that, her prices are outstanding. She offers a great selection for the best prices, and believe me, I've shopped around!!! This giveaway ends on May 4th, midnight, so get commenting, and good luck!!!

Water, Giveaways, My Faith Baby, Privacy, and Puppy Dogs.

Spring's in the air. Once the weather hits 70 degrees, the water toys are broken out, and here we go!! I can barely stand the cuteness.





Below is Lily. Lily plays, Lily kisses, Lily cuddles, Lily barks, Lily pees in the house...... I bought her because I needed a baby, and when I loaded her into the cars as my kids shrieked in happiness, I told Andrew that now that I bought a puppy, I'd get pregnant. It worked. I'm pregnant!!! I found out Sunday.









I utterly suck at giveaways. But I have to make them work because I have an awesome opportunity that is well worth the effort. Stayed tuned in the next post.

Before we get to that, I'm not aware that anyone posted about one of my best friends AMY at Modest Barbie . Ya'll could have one won a free outfit!! You can still get a discount, just mention my blog.

Also, the last time I was pregnant I had a giveaway for a pregnancy loss and remembrance bracelet. I miscarried. I disappeared. I now have a WINNER, though: Shelly, from "Seriously, Shelly"! Girl, please get in touch with me! You won!!! Better late then never.... right???!!!

Alright, Ladies, I'm a little afraid to tell you this. But. I can't go to a private status. I know. I'm insane. I own it. My friends tell me it all the time. But. It's too much work. I have to tell you though, I had so many lovely emails and requests to be included. I was seriously touched by the love floating around, out there, just for me!! Thank you, dear friends.

Now. Another thing. If I know you in real life, and even if I don't. If you blab my business I will deny, deny, deny. Especially AT CHURCH. So please don't. Really. And If I get asked questions, especially is I am PREGNANT, I'll kindly let some one know I decline to talk about my private business. I'd really not like to be put in that situation, so please just don't. Please keep my secrets safe, pretty please. And that goes for family, too. That's a huge no no. Please just let me have my dorky blog and let me include family and friends, in person, at the proper time. My lips are sealed, that is, unless you read it here.

So. Pregnant. Again. I am over the moon. And over the moon scared. Really, really, R E A L L Y scared. My focus is on trying to enjoy, and on trying to push the negative energy aside. This really could be a beautiful thing for our family. I'm choosing to embrace it: a faith promoting pregnancy, a faith promoting miracle in a new child.

You might wanna pay attention to this.......

Meet one of my very best friends: Amy Schmutz. Also meet one of her most beautiful children, Jacob:

Sweet Jacob was born 5 years ago on March 30th. He was born with Anencephaly, like my Isaac was, and died minutes later. She is a woman I can relate to, laugh with, cry with, scream with. I am blessed to have her in my life.

She is one hell of a creative cookie. She's started her own business. She sews trendy MODEST Barbie clothes. You can buy what she has, or she makes custom ordered outfits.

Because she is a DOLL, you can visit her website http://modestbarbie.blogspot.com/ and receive a 15% discount if you mention you read about her on my blog.

Also - - - for a chance to win a FREE outfit, and a 20% discount, post about her business on YOUR blog. Leave me a comment so I can verify said post, and I will put your name in a drawing. You have until the 16th to enter, at which I'll let you know who won.

Wishes for heaven.

Dear Family and Friends,

The past 12 months have been filled with a sorrow I never knew before our sweet Isaac was born. We have thought about him, and loved him, and honored him, and kept him apart of our family the best way we know how.

I realize that throughout our family and friendships there are several different religions, and that some have thought I brought this suffering upon myself and the children, and that I chose this pain for our family. I have to disagree, and exclaim: God chose this for us, for whatever reason, He chose this perfect child for our family. It’s not what I wanted, but it was what we were given!!

I want to share my testimony with you that Christ lives. That because of Him, we will have eternal life. God lives, He is aware of us, even when I have been sure He has turned away from me. There is life after death, I have felt it, I have embraced it. Our sweet boy exists along the sides of friends and family that have gone before. Our heavenly family members are aware of us, they watch over us, and they love us.

I have learned that time is precious. That now is the time to become our best selves. I have learned to love my husband and children differently, and although many times I fail, I can still keep trying to become the daughter of God I know I have the potential to be.

Handling a bereaved family is awkward and sometimes uncomfortable. Today, our request is that you remember our sweet boy with us. How we love him. How we have sorrowed and cried for him, and how are hearts still ache to have him here with us. He is ours, we know he counts, and I ask that you think of him today during his heavenly 1st birthday.

We love you,

Misty, Andrew, Olivia, Ian, Hannah, and always…. our Isaac.

Rainbow what?

I hate the term "Rainbow" to describe a subsequent pregnancy after loss. And I hate it for a number of reasons. And I hate all the shout-outs from dead baby Mamas who announce their news, but then say "so sorry" you have not been blessed yet like they have been. I hate the division it makes in bereavement groups, and I hate the awkwardness that passes between the haves and have-nots. Bereaved women move up and onward when they have the promise of a new life growing in their bellies. They blog less, share less, appear to grieve less, and it's left me feeling pretty abandoned. Because really, being pregnant after a dead baby is way better than not being pregnant. Not only do I grieve the loss of my dead son, but I grieve the possibility of never being able to have a baby again, that this might be it for me, that time has passed and I cannot get it back. Every month when I start to bleed I see failure, a blessing missed, a dream shattered, a new reminder of all that I have lost. It's not the same. My journey has been different than those that have been pregnant for months out of this first bereaved year. It hurts worse for me. That's how I see it anyway.

And you know it gets worse?? You tell me what you call a pregnancy that dies AFTER you already lost. Tell me the term for a "Rainbow" that DIES. Death cloud? Dream shatterer?? Stings a little bit, doesn't it?? Stings a lot, actually.

I've been lacking the support I desire, and I've been lacking the support because I didn't dare want to share because of how offended other women might be. It's hindered this outlet I used to have and love. I think as I move to a more private setting in my blog I can gather women around me that will rally together with me though this new journey - - - which is trying to conceive after a dead child and after a miscarriage. That doesn't necessarily mean women in my same boat, it means women I've bonded with along the way, in my day to day life, and through the internet. And I don't really care anymore if it hurt someone eles's feelings. This space is about me, and what I feel, and the support I desire. Don't like it? Don't agree? Keep moving on.

Rainbows?? That's bullshit to me. "Faith Baby"?? That's a term I can relate to more. Every single time I have allowed the chance for pregnancy in my life, it has required faith. Faith in God to give or to take away. Faith in God that his timing is better than mine. Faith that He knows best for me, even when I think I know better than Him. Faith babies, all of mine, no pregnancy excluded.

I'm chasing my faith baby. Every month, until I catch him or her. Hopefully with a little more honesty along the way.



*If you want to follow along when my blog is set to private, please email me your email address and blog address at abnmln@gmail.com