Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Downhill.

I have found, through the last 8 weeks, that it is amazing what one can learn to live with. Some days I feel like I am sailing along, getting by, and some days I feel like I merely exist. I found myself feeling low today, and feeling the gravity of the situation, when some days I don't. I had the children out shopping with me tonight - the girls especially were in need of some new spring and summer clothing, which I have been ignoring the last few weeks. I came across the most darling piece of clothing for a baby boy, and I almost bought it, and then immediately thought "why bother". At some point, the preparation has to hault, and the realization has to come that I don't get to plan and shop for this baby like I have for the others. And while I hate to admit it, it's true. This child does not need the amount of clothing my other children have needed, this baby is going to die. And standing there, round as can be, thinking that in the store made my heart ache so. I want this baby so bad. So bad it hurts. I want to raise him, love him, feed him, rock him, sing to him, hold him, burp him, dress him, bathe him just like I have my other children. I want my baby to live. I want to feel joy every time he moves, but I feel reminded that although my child is moving, he is lacking the greater part of this brain. And along with that, I feel the exhaustion that not only comes from grieving, but from being pregnant. I can't eat, I can't sleep as well as I want, my body aches, my ribs hurt, my back hurts, I am tired of giving myself injections because my insulin levels are so off because of the constant stress I feel. I want to feel excited for the baby to be born, but I feel so frightened that he might not live long enough to bring him home, which is my most secret wish. I am afraid of how I am going to feel once the baby is born, and dies. I'm afraid to get pregnant again, although I want to, more then anything else in the world. I'm afraid to put my whole faith in knowing I'll bear a healthy child again. I still feel frustrated at the great lack of support I long for from my family and Andrew's, and I worry that this is going to change my relationship with some individuals forever. I don't know how to go back, and realize that I never can. Our lives somehow are being molded by our Maker and some day we'll know and understand why. I am willing to serve the Lord in this way, but every day I feel more inadequate to fulfill this sacrifice. Oh how we love this child and will be eager to meet him, and pray for many tender mercies along the way.

20 comments:

Anna-b-bonkers said...

Oh Misty. Tears are flowing for you and prayers of comfort. I sit here with my round belly and feel so rotten and guilty. I haven't been excited, rather terrified. The idea of taking care of a newborn when I am so tired right now makes me feel ill.
I know things will change. When I catch myself doubting and being afraid I think of you and your strength and your huge emotional ordeal. I cannot imagine. My heart just breaks for you, it really really does.
Then I realize that I need to be thankful and shut up.
I hope and pray that you get many hours with Isaac and that you will be blessed once again with a healthy baby and pregnancy. You are amazing.

Anonymous said...

I am hurting for you. My sister went through this basically alone. I was way too young to know what was going on. I am only now learning what this is all about. She became bitter and angry and ruined so much of her life. I am so touched by your strength and honesty. I will continue to pray for you that you will feel a peace that surpasses all understanding. You have a beautiful heart. One that God is using in a special way. I only wish you were a part of my family. I would be proud to call you "sister".

Celia said...

Misty, my tears are flowing in reading...you have said the same things that I myself am feeling. It is hard...so very hard. But I, like you, am trusting that God will hold me along this journey because I am definitely not strong enough to go it alone. Just know that you are loved and prayed for often by others.

Mandy said...

I am hugging you right now with my whole body...I wish I really was there for you. Its terribly unfair that no one is there helping you out and I feel pissed that we are so far away.

I think what it boils down to is how freaking fabulous you are...how strong you are, how awesome of a mom you are...even though your son who will pass. You are thinking of a tomorrow that won't come for him because that is what mothers do. And although I know nothing of the pain you are experiencing...and don't pretend to, I know you will get through this. Will it be pretty? Probably not. Nothing like this is. After my miscarriage I drank more, ate less, kept to myself, lost my entire faith in God, and my faith in people in general too. One day you are looking at your life and preparing for another pregnancy, and you will find faith where you never thought you had it...strength that you never knew existed, grieving for your child that you lost that you never remembered feeling before, and a human power to truck on. Because that is what you do and have done for your ENTIRE life. Its not fair...its not right, and I am not going to sugar coat something that thoroughly sucks. You are an amazing woman...and while I am learning in my life that I know LESS and LESS about anything and everything, I KNOW that you will get through this.

Lara said...

I really wish I were your next door neighbor right now. I am so sorry about your family. That whole situation just adds insult to injury, in my mind.

Here it is: This is hard and seemingly impossible. But I know that you'll get through it. Your faith is amazing, how could you not be blessed? That doesn't mean it will magically be easy, but you will be okay.

Are You Serious! said...

♥ I don't have anything to say since I've never been in your situation but my heart breaks for you it truely does.

Ashley said...

{{{Hugs, hugs, hugs}}

Holly said...

I'm sitting here thinking to myself...."That is exactly how I feel." I think you did a good job of putting it into words. I belong to a due date group where moms are excitingly planning for their babies' arrivals. Getting going home outfits, crib bedding, having baby showers, and all that fun baby stuff. What am I doing? I'm planning for my baby's funeral. I must admit it just makes me so angry sometimes to hear them complain about silly little things. Maybe to them it doesn't seem so silly but in comparison to what I face I'd gladly take all that they complain about so that my baby could live. But thru this journey I have also learned to cherish the little things b/c we taken so much for granted. Life is so precious and we should always remember that.

American Home said...

We will be faithfully praying for you, your baby and your other family members. My heart is with you.
Blessings,
Donna

treasuresandsnares said...

Misty~ You are an Incredibly Amazing woman! I agree with the others...this is NOT going to be easy, but getting to know you and the love you have for your Issac comes across in your words. They are tangible to the heart. I for one am learning strength from you, so YOU are doing something important and Most definately your sweet Issac is and will have made His Own Mark on this world of ours. You are giving us (those that are praying with you and for you) a gift that will forever bless us. Thank YOU!!!

ps. thank you for stopping by my blog and thinking of me at this time.

Biggest Hugs
Kim

Kami said...

Oh, as always, I wish I could take away some of your pain and anguish. You express yourself so eloquently and you feelings are so warranted and valid. Yet, I wish I could take them all away, that Isaac would live. I don't' understand, I really don't and your faith astounds me. For I know if it was me, I would not be holding up nearly as well as you are.

I am always thinking about you and sending you strong thoughts!!!

Pokeyann said...

Once again I find myself sitting here wishing with all my useless and non existence powers that I could do more than leave a comment...wanting to hold you and somehow magically make it all o.k. Parts of your pain resonate with my own battered heart, parts are so overwhelming I can barely hold it together, wanting nothing more than to take this from you, take the pain the suffering the heartache. And then I am in awe of you and who you are. You choose everyday to love, to care, to be your fabulous self and that is a miracle. We both know that every day is a choice, and I love you for making your choices every day. I wish I was better at this whole writing thing so I could make up for distance with my love expressed right. I'm sorry if this is non sensical....I just love you so much and want you to live in a happy bubble of happiness all the rest of your days. I love you, I love you, I love you!

debbie said...

Misty, I am so sorry. I have no words. I wish I could be there for you and most of all, I wish it were not so. I pray for peace for you and for you to have many precious moments with your beautiful son Issac. You are amazing. Thank you for speaking the truth and for letting God shine in the darkest of your days.
Debbie

Kami said...

I just read your other post... the one about being rough around the edges. Dude, I am rough too, it's called being real. BE REAL. Be who you are. Be pissed off. You have every right. That doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human like the rest of us.

LOVE YOU!

And if it means you curse on here, well I won't be offended. Rather the opposite I should think.

Lindsey said...

I am sitting here wiping the tears from my face. I'm so sorry. I want to hold you and cry with you. Please let me help you carry this burden. I am praying for you....my only peace from this situation is that one day you will meet him in heaven completely healed. Sending you hugs!

Cheryl said...

Misty, I can only send my virtual hugs you way, you inspire me to be strong. Someone told me that God only gives us what we can handle. I'm not sure if I fully believe it, things like this should not EVER be given to someone.
Beautifulness pours out of you, and your kids, it WILL be ok. It will..

Marie said...

Misty, my heart goes out to you in the largest way. I cannot begin to know how you are feeling but I do want you to know that I care and my prayers are with you. There is not a day that goes by when I don't stop at least a few times and utter a prayer for you and for your family and for Isaac. Sending love across the ocean.

Laski said...

Your faith simply inspires me.

I'm here . . . I am.

just jamie said...

All four of your children are so blessed to have you as their mama. And I am blessed to have you as a friend. What can I do to help?

Danielle-lee said...

I cannot say anything I haven't said before......You were picked to carry this sweet child for a reason, and i KNOW you are PERFECT AND STRONG ENOUGH to do it.