Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Not so calm, cool, and collected.

I kind of go to this crazy place when I'm coming up on a month of trying to get pregnant. I felt good about foregoing Clomid for another month, but when I was notified this evening that my doctor had called it in anyway - - I decided I HAD to get it. The excitement of this being a month I could get pregnant again was immediately followed by the feeling of stress. What happens if the Metformin wasn't enough?? What happens if the Metformin doesn't help me produce mature eggs?? That would be a wasted effort. What happens if I don't ovulate, and have to go back to the wretched hospital to get blood drawn, before the doctor would induce another period?? What if, what if, what if?? I was getting annoyed with the kids (it'd been one of THOSE high stress, boss is on my tail, kids fighting for hours, kind of days), and starting to feel stressed. My headaches are back every day now. I'm sticking with what I know works. And what works is Clomid. Period. And I don't feel badly about getting it, and I'll start taking it tonight. The thought of having to wait one-more-month seems like needless torture. Why stress myself by trying something out I am not sure works?? So. We're at this exact point again. The same point where I got pregnant with Isaac and found out he would die. The same point when I got pregnant after his death,and miscarried in January. The same point when I lost yet another pregnancy in May. I've got to be getting to the point where I can get pregnant, stay pregnant, and bring home another squirming bundle for our family to love. That dream has come true before. It can again. My body can do this. I know it. I just KNOW it.

xo M.



PS: I've gotten some pretty stupid-ass comments on my blog. The last one has me still scratching my head.

WHY do women think you cannot be obsessed with getting pregnant again IN ADDITION to being madly in love with your kids?? WHY do some women think that because I desire for another child, I don't appreciate the children I already have??

For those that know me well, would laugh at those accusations. Let me tell you what having a dead kid does to you. It makes you protect your kids more than you probably should. It makes you baby them more, spoil them a little rotten, let them get away with a few extra things. It makes you more tolerant. It makes you love them more, and appreciate the moments more.

Your regular Mom might complain about being tired, over-worked, and that her patience is out. I still feel the same way, but after every SINGLE thought that I have about my kids - whether it's loving or from an exhausted mind - every thought is followed by: "Father in heaven - - I LOVE these kids, I am SO happy to have them". So if you're mistaken - - - and think I don't have enough attention to spare my children that I already have AND focus on getting pregnant at the time - - you're DEAD wrong. I got this. Now go tell someone else how to live their lives, I've got mine covered.

8 comments:

Cheryl said...

The fact that people think they have the right to judge your heart makes me mad. While I have no idea the pain of losing a child....I too was obsessed with getting pregnant...and it never once took away my love and energy for my son...wanting to parent is all consuming....I understand that ....don't let others try and minimize your needs.

mhhigbees said...

I want to thank you for all you are willing to share with your readers. I learn so much from you and your experiences, and I am grateful for your honesty. Thanks for helping me become more loving and understanding of others.

S said...

I so want that little bundle to come home to your family. Even though I can't exactly relate with your history since my loss has been solely related to miscarriage, I can relate to how "we" feel differently about our children that are with us on earth. Don't let those comments drag you down...hugs.

Klin said...

Love your last sentence. Love it!

Holly said...

I def agree with you on how things change a little after you have a dead baby. Things changed for me. I protect Kyndra more and do baby and spoil her more and it doesn't bother me a bit!!

Hoping that this time will be it!

Ashley said...

It's seems somewhat backwards to me that someone would assume that wanting more children means you don't love and appreciate the ones you have. Doesn't wanting more mean you love them with so much of your breath you just need another to spread that love to? Doesn't having another mean that the love that makes you crazy for them, protect them, discipline them and guide will grow 10 fold?


Some people confuse me, and have lead me to the conculsion that they take their greatest joy in being negative, hurtful and pardon the word (because it's a bad word in our house) stupid.

Good luck, I can't wait to hear about the next baby!

Ashley said...

It's seems somewhat backwards to me that someone would assume that wanting more children means you don't love and appreciate the ones you have. Doesn't wanting more mean you love them with so much of your breath you just need another to spread that love to? Doesn't having another mean that the love that makes you crazy for them, protect them, discipline them and guide will grow 10 fold?


Some people confuse me, and have lead me to the conculsion that they take their greatest joy in being negative, hurtful and pardon the word (because it's a bad word in our house) stupid.

Good luck, I can't wait to hear about the next baby!

kali.pants said...

drats to those who think ill of my dear Misty. quite frankly, i could have only dreamed that my mother have had a fraction of an ounce of love that you do for ALL your children. you've got so much strength and love to give, so never let you head hang low. <3