Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Analyze this.

I’m beginning a new chapter in my life. A new chapter that doesn’t include much outside my family. I’ve spent a lot of time analyzing myself, and why I’m not like another person, and I finally have decided it really doesn’t matter. I don’t HAVE to be like anyone else. I’ve never kept a lot of friends. I’m not terribly close with my biological family. I don’t get out much. The very few friends I’ve kept are enough for me. I’m not social in church settings. I don’t have the desire to “know” a lot of people casually. I love being at home. I love spending the majority of my time with my kids and husband. I love decorating and making my home a sanctuary. I love my animals. I love being alone, without the distractions of a lot of different people. I am who I am because of what I’ve lived. I don’t have to expect that other people would value or appreciate that about me. Or even expect that someone would even try to understand why I am the way I am, let alone embrace that. I’m at a point in my life where I just need to be ok with where I’m at. I’ve done my best. The rest is between me, my family, and the Lord.

I’ve been thinking a lot about boundaries. And the need for privacy balanced with the need for support in my life. I’m interested in making new relationships grow with people that are a good match for me - - that list of prospects is really small. I find myself thinking about why I’m involved with one person or another - - when those people are people I REALLY don’t want to share my feeling s with. I’m trying to create boundaries concerning what happens in my life here on out. If I’m able to get pregnant again, I don’t plan on sharing that with a lot of people. I don’t know how much I care share here, because my blog address was shared with people I don’t know well at church. And people talk. I don’t want people spreading my business around church when I’m not ready or willing to share, and trust me, it’s happened before. Just GOING to church is hard enough, I hate wondering who knows more about me than I wished….. Going private is too much work. Censoring what I write about is even more work than that. Apparently maybe I need to just find more to blog about – outside of dead babies and lost pregnancies.

I’ll be anxious to see if we’ve had some success here in a couple weeks. I have a good feeling about it. I’ve prayed, and then prayed again that I can carry a healthy baby to term. I think about what that would mean to me, and mean for my family. It’s overwhelming. We’re just so ready for something new, and something more. I feel like I’ve paid my dues. And those dues have come at a very high price. ……..
I’ll be checking back in before too long……

Love, Misty

8 comments:

Jason, as himself said...

I wish you the best...wherever your road takes you. It sounds like you've been learning some important life lessons.

S said...

Oh Misty...I so hope this is your month to begin a long and healthy pregnancy that results in a sweet baby for you and your family to love. Hugs!!

Michelle said...

perhaps you could try creating a new blog & only sharing the address with those you want to include. that would mean NOT putting a link to it on this blog, or else everyone would be able to find it... but if you don't want to go private, it's the next best thing! if you do create another blog, it could essentially be a continuation of this one, IF that's what you desire - you'd just have complete control over who had access to it because you could only give the address to a select few.

of course, you'd have to trust that those you choose to include would honor your desire that it stay with them rather than being passed along. but if they're part of that "select circle," that shouldn't be too big of a problem.

just a thought. :-)

MommyIvy said...

I will pray for you that this is your month of the next many of a healthy. It sounds to me that you have really been meditating. I hope everythin works out for the best for you. God bless.

Dysfunctional Mom said...

As I get older, I have come to a similar conclusion. I'm not a social butterfly. I have a few close friends and my husband and kids and I'm ok with that. I'm the kind of person who doesn't need a huge social circle. It doesn't make me 'less than'...it's just ME.
I wish you the best!
xoxo

Pokeyann said...

Had a comment, but got distracted by telling my kids who your kids in the picture are. So...Love you and hope you find peace....and now the kids are crying, yay.

Lisette said...

((HUGS))

Anonymous said...

My heart feels the same way about keeping things personal and close only with my family and a very select few others. I understand your feelings of exposure, I would feel the same way. A blog is something that you should be able to express your feelings and stories no matter what they are or who may be offended by them..that's what makes it...YOURS! I am sending my hopeful thoughts and prayers your way for your next pregnancy, no matter when it is. And I think your friend Michelle is right perhaps a new "secret blog" is the right way to go. You should never have to censor yourself in your own blog.
Love you! -Leah