It’s been an “interesting” few weeks. It’s a long road, to say the least, navigating the road of infant loss. It’s an even longer road to navigate when you have a miscarriage after infant loss. People say they can’t imagine. They’re right. You can’t really. You really, really cannot imagine what it does to a person. And yet, I manage, to strap this new loss under my belt, and continue on to manage my daily responsibilities.
Miscarriage. A “normal” loss most women experience if they have had several pregnancies, where fertility and genetics aren’t to blame, something just didn’t go right. That’s my doctor’s way of saying not to worry - - my fertility is intact, my genetics aren’t screwed up, it’s bound to happen, this is my 5th pregnancy. I have to wonder though, what is God’s plan for me? For my family? I understand that my growing family will expand as He wills, and in His timing. I trust in that. Andrew and I have prayed in secret, and prayed together. I have pleaded for the quiet whisperings of the Spirit to lead me in the right direction. Do we try again right away after we have my OB’s ok, or do we wait? I’m listening. I’m willing to follow His guidance and path for myself. I feel thankful that I have been given those answers. I don’t know what the outcome will be in the future, but I have been given hope. And given confidence in following God’s plan for our family, whether family or friends understand or agree. It’s truly between me and my Lord.
I have spent the last few weeks reflecting on my friendships and what roles they play in my life. I have thought about what my needs are as a woman whom is seeking certain values in friendship. I have thought about who I can truly lean on, trust in. I have thought about who my secrets are safe with, and who they are not. I’ve let some friendships fade away, while grabbing more tightly onto others. I feel thankful to have a small circle of women around me that have the ability to love me, my faults, my short comings, my bad days, while loving me for the good qualities I possess as well. I’m ok with where I’m at, and I’m ok with the short list of friends I keep.
I think about Spring and Summer coming along in a few months. I think about getting pregnant again, and the dreams attached to that. I have a dream for my garden this year, and a dream for new rose bushes, and hot summer days at the pool. I dream about shooting hoops with the kids and playing tag and hide-n-seek. Summer is a carefree time for my family. I look forward to those days that are around the corner. We need them. We need another summer with few rules, and no schedules, and lots of laughter and love.
My days are busy, as many of you can appreciate. Being a stay-at-home-mom while contracting work out in internet marketing/website promotion, managing a household, and the cooking and cleaning and the laundry and bills and focusing on nurturing my marriage….. We’re doing ok. We’re getting done what needs to get done with a lot of love and laughter along the way. We’ve been setting goals for our family weekly – this week we are focusing on reading 5 verses from the scriptures daily. I’ve struggled with church attendance for many months now. For many reasons. God and I have a strained relationship right now. We talk, we don’t talk. I do my best to obey, but fall short in many ways. I’m trying to work this one out.
My bleeding from the D&C has slowed down, I’d classify it more as “spotting”. I’m ready to be done with that part. Ready to be done with the reminder I see many times a day. I’m ready to move forward to watch for a fresh start and to watch and see what my body does. I have a 2 week check up coming shortly, and then I wait for 2 hearty periods, and then we move forward. Move forward with faith. And with a dream.
Dream with me, won’t you?