Sunday, June 28, 2009

Walking through it.






Isaac's stone went in the day after Father's Day. As I was driving to go visit him and to see his marker, my mind drifted back to the day we placed him in the ground. Our service was small, only my closest friends and family were there. I remember feeling so proud of my baby and so happy to have in my arms again. He looked like a baby doll. I don't know if it was because I was doped up on Xanax, or if it was because I wasn't familiar with funerals, but I was expecting to hold Isaac through out the service. I wasn't prepared at all for when I was instructed to lay Isaac in his casket. I remember the children starting to sob and I remember the tears blinding my eyes. I remember thinking "Oh God... Father... Do I really have to say goodbye?". "Do I really have to put my child down?". I remember kissing him over and over again, like mad, laying him down, tucking him in, kissing him again, and stumbling to my chair. I really didn't want to make a scene, but I remember thinking to myself... this is why mothers fall to their knees and wail when their children die. The pain could kill you, I swear it would, I thought in that moment. Andrew was the only listed palbearer. Ian was the only listed honorary palbearer. Andrew carried the baby out. We drove Isaac, in his casket, to the grave site, on my lap. My poor baby, dead, in a box, on my lap. I was proud to do it. But I was mad as hell. I remember thinking who the hell made this decision for me. Did I really agree to this? To carry my child, only to later bury him?

It's almost been three months now. I've struggled with blogging, because there are some people that read my blog that I have decided (peacefully and confidently) that I did not want them in my life. It bothers me to have made that decision, still knowing that they can be a part of my life this way. I've thought back and forth about setting my blog to private, but I decided it was more important to keep the avenues of communication open. Not for them, but for me, and for you. I need to be able to share my story in an open forum. I cherish meeting new people, and reaching out and touching those back, that have touched my life so deeply. If another has to read my blog to keep tabs on me, then so-be-it, I wouldn't have shared with them otherwise.

Summer rolls on here. The children are happy and my days are mad busy with work and play and housework and cleaning. I have a few people I keep in touch with personally - - those would be my nearest and dearest. Othen than that, I stay home, in my "hole" as I refer to it. I keep to myself, avoiding most communication with the outside world. I like being in my own space. I like being alone. I'm different. I can't fix or change it, and don't necessarily think I should have to. We're planning ahead for our next baby. Making plans for the days, weeks, and months ahead. But for now, for now I try to make it through my days, being present in motherhood and as a wife and friend the best I know how, inspite of this huge sorrow I feel and burden I carry. Heart ache is really over rated. I'm beginning to think growth is, too. Some days I wish I could go back to how it was before. No such luck, friends. No such luck.

25 comments:

Seraphim said...

Misty the photo of you broke my heart. The longing and love in your eyes. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as you travel this road. You aren't alone sweet friend xxxx

Mandy said...

Goodness...the photos just broke my heart. So revealing. You have reached so many hurting like you with your blog. It is hard to believe that this tragedy happens to others, but it does, and you have shared your grief...your strength with people who need it. What the people who don't want in your life will realize is that all the hurt they have caused you, all the pain, has excluded them from a very special and unique and beautiful person. The HELL with them.

I am so hopeful for you and your next baby. I think I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that some souls are just meant to be angels, and some are meant for earth. I know its hard to imagine, but if I had never gone through the loss with the twins, I wouldn't have had Katie.....and I couldn't even fathom having her in my life.

Your next little one will be the ultimate blessing in your life...the ultimate gift.

Michele said...

The photos are breathtaking...

When you talked about laying Issac in his casket, it reminded me of when we held our babies and then had to let them go for their cremations. It just about killed me. I gave them to Peter, who walked them with the funeral director to the crematory and then P placed them down and stayed. I dont know why the FD let him because I cant imagine that it is protocol, but he did... And we are so grateful for that... But I just sobbed and sobbed as I waited for him to return with my babies... in a marble box...

We've done this three times (although I was on bed rest the first time trying to save our second twin). But the twice I've done it, it has killed me. And I completely understand why you see people drop to their knees in anguish.

Sending you thoughts and thinking of your family today.

Holly said...

I'm glad to see that Isaac's marker is up. I will be so glad when Carleigh's is b/c I've been waiting forever it seems like. I'm sorry you didn't get to hold Isaac for the service.

I'm glad you decided to keep your blog public because it can really help others who face the same road. I understand having certain people reading your blog you'd rather not.

Still think about you often, Misty. Love you.

just jamie said...

Oh sweetie. That photo of you just tugs on my heart. The ache and love in your eyes...

I'm glad you're sharing this Misty. Your journey, Isaac's journey, the journey ahead... it needs to be told.

Love to you.

Alicia W. said...

I wish we all could just take a piece of your pain away and carry it with us. My heart just hurts so bad for you.

I'm glad your reaching out and sharing this with us. I often think of you when I don't see you have posted and wonder how your doing.

Your pictures are beautiful. Praying for your strength every single day.

Celia said...

Oh my....the tears are flowing freely now! I was mad as hell too that God would think having me go through losing Noah was "okay"! And I remember that "stumble" after letting Noah go for the last time....The pain is still so intense and overwhelming at times, even 8 weeks later.
I'm sorry that there are those that would want to intrude on your privacy when you have made your wishes clear and intentions known. But maybe we can pray that their motives are pure. They just don't know how to express it in a good way.

Anyway, I understand about living in a "hole"....I feel the EXACT SAME WAY....I have no desire to go out and when I do I often keep my head down and my mouth closed so there is no invitation to try to talk to me or approach me in any way.

I love you so much....My heart is aching with you so badly....

Lara said...

I have a friend who doesn't understand why it's so difficult for mothers to lose their babies after only having them for a few hours or a day or two. "It's not like they had a relationship with them," she says.

I think that these pictures are beautiful and they illustrate the amazing bond that ALWAYS exists between mother and child, no matter how long we get to have them on this earth. They illustrate how heartbreaking it is to lose that child.

I totally get that you are a different person, and nobody can judge that until they've walked your same road.

Holly said...

Misty, the photos are beautiful and heartbreaking. It saddens me that people feel the need to judge, especially that which they don't understand. This is your road, and I think you're walking it remarkably well.

Love you!

Christina said...

I wish I could reach thru the computer and give you a hug. I would like to add you to my Angel Rest Stop prayer list this week if thats ok.

PJ Pumphrey said...

Wow this just brought back memories.. I wasn't able (or let should I say) to hold Seth after he was taken to the funeral home. If they would have let me, I would have never let him go. I was pissed that they wouldn't let me. I remember saying to myself, he is MINE and you are telling ME i cant hold him. I miss Seth so much, and I am not going to lie..The days are harder. I find myself crying more than I ever have, and just not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. But I must.

I am so glad that I met you, you have helped me alot. I love you Misty

Mom Putnam said...

First the pictures made me cry especially the one of you andthe marker is really nice. So glad you have that, we are still wating on Carleigh's. Sunday was a bad day for me as it marked the 3 month of Carleigh's passing. Why is it so hard? Or do we make it harder than it has to be? Wish I knew. just thinking of you and will call you soon----Love-xoxox

Kami's Khlopchyk said...

My heart breaks for you daily and wish, like Alicia, that we could all take a bit of your burden and carry it for you. The anger that you expressed is so real and I am so glad that you shared that with us. You can't help but ask why, you just can't.

I am sending you big hugs my friend and lots of love. And as always I think and pray for often.

Anne-Marie said...

Misty, I don't know you, but I thank you for sharing your story. I have not walked your road, but as a Sister in Motherhood and the Gospel, I carry a bit of your heartache and loss with me. I think we all do.

Your writing is so honest. I would be in a hole too. And mad as hell. So sorry for the loss of your Isaac.

Beth said...

Misty, I don't know what to say.. and somehow I suppose it's OK to not say anything at all but for you just to know I was here reading your words & thinking of you, always. With Love, Beth

S said...

My heart hurts for you. You do what you need to do...if that means staying in your hole, you do it. You will know when you are ready for something else. Hugs..

Klin said...

I am glad that you are taking time to grieve. Too often in our society we are rushed through it. You are still functioning for your children and husband. You are still working and moving forward, and you are also taking time to grieve and honor your Issac.

I am glad your blog is public. I have a very wounded child in my home that I hope to have him one day be able to read some of your posts.

Through all the hell you have been through you still chose to do what is right and best. Not picking your head up to invite conversation is okay. You aren't ready yet. I will one day meet you and get to hug you. I admire your strength. Even though being strong really sucks it is much better than being weak. I promise.

Debbie said...

I am glad that you decided to keep your blog private. I have not been on the path you are walking, but I find great strength and comfort from your writing and it helps me on my road of struggles. Thank you! Debbie

Rebecca said...

The stone is so beautiful and you remain in my prayers. Please stay public ~ I would miss your tender, passion filled words.

Katie said...

I want you to know that I think of you and your family daily! My heart aches with you. Just yesterday I was thinking of you and praying that God would give you peace and joy, something to smile about that very day. I wish I could pop in and help you out in some tangible way, but just know that SO many people you've never met are praying that blessing would rain down on your family!! =)

Michal Ann said...

You are very dear, Misty. I always check on you and pray for you with a full heart. Your passionate writing allows many to come alongside as you walk this road and we are blessed. Thank you, precious lady.

I was reading the book of Job this morning. He also had some friends who were inappropreate. I'm sure you can identify with him as he cries out to God:
“Ah, let me express my anguish. Let me be free to speak out the bitterness of my soul." Job 7:11 TLB

May you be deeply comforted in that empty place which aches so badly.

With compassion, Michal

Kristin (kekis) said...

What amazingly open and heartfelt words you just shared. While I do not know (and wouldn't even pretend to know) how you are feeling right now, I appreciate you giving me a look inside your heart. My heart aches with you as you continue to grieve. You feel what you want to feel when you want to feel it - it's okay to do that. If it makes others uncomfortable, that's their problem.

Stay in your hole until you're ready to venture out. I read in a book last week that "the only way to the other side is through it." It's a terribly difficult and crappy trip, but there is the other side. You'll never get over it, but in time you will get through this. We'll all be praying for and loving you along the way.

Trisha Larson said...

Misty-

I saw your post on the thoughts from a cloud blog. I'm going through it too. I lost my son 3/30/08. If you haven't seen my blog I would love for you to check it out. Feel free if you want a hand to hold -- mine is free...trisha_larson@yahoo.com

http://lookingforbluesky.blogspot.com/2009/06/drowning.html

Hugs,
Trisha

WendyMom said...

Misty-

I want to thank you for writing this blog, keeping it open for all to read. I am so sorry that there are those out there who wish you ill because of it- we live in a sin-scarred and sick world.

Reading your blog has helped me in my journey through the loss of my baby. I never got the heart wrenching agony of meeting my child before he died, as I had a miscarriage, but I can sure relate to the grief you have losing a child.

Today as I looked at your picture, I just wanted to share one encouraging thing with you- your lovely baby Isaac is ALIVE- he is NOT in that casket in the ground.

He is alive and waiting for you in heaven right now. He will never know sorrow or sin, pain or disappointment, grief or fear. He is alive in the presence of our holy God and Father- and the time of separation from you for him has no measure. For all eternity, he is yours and the Lord's-

I am praying for you again today- and will keep you in my prayers every day. God bless you-

Shop with Me Mama said...

You are truly a strong woman. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us all. May God and your angel continue to watch over you all. I can't imagine the pain you are going through, but know I am thinking and praying for you.