Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The ins and outs.

I've written this blog post a thousand times over in my head. It's what I think about every day, it's about what pains me all of the time. It's about being in a very different place than most other baby loss mothers I know. I hesitate to share because I worry that it seems like I begrudge someone else their joy, which isn't true at all. It's so different to be a year and a half out from Isaac's death and still have nothing, when every other anencephalic mother I know has a stable pregnancy right now, in face most of those mothers have had their subsequent "rainbow" babies. I still really HATE that term. Women have shared that waiting for those subsequent pregnancies for 4, 5, 6, months have been hard. Try a year and a half. And not only that, try 2 miscarriages and one chemical pregnancy since burying your baby. It's a world of pain, a very different kind of pain. Every time I see a round belly, or a post about pregnancy, or a pregnancy update it causes me physical pain in my heart. It's hard to co-exist in a world where there are reminders EVERY where of what I lost, and of what I want so badly. The world moves on, at it's own pace, and no one has any idea about this immense heartache I carry every moment of every day. You have your do-gooders that tell me move on, to forget about it, to be thankful for what I have. Those do-gooders have no idea the skills God has given bereaved parents to cherish their living children immensely, while at the same time intensely mourning the child they lost. If you have not experienced it, you have no idea. While I was carrying Isaac and knew he would die, even I had NO idea. I had not buried him yet, and learned to live with out him yet. I had not faced more intense infertility and miscarriages after him either. I had no idea a soul could live, even joyfully in the world, and still hurt this badly. It's a God given strength to be able to carry this load, most days I would beg to give it away.

After carefully praying, I have received the answer that is would be the acceptable time to proceed with the Clomid again. I have not decided how quickly I will move forward with that, but I have started again on my low carb, no refined sugar diet, and have given up Diet soda containing caffeine again. From what I can tell there was no ovulation this month, so I am waiting to see if my period comes around on it's own. If it does not, I may wait a couple weeks, and proceed with Provera to induce a period, and then move forward quickly after that. The idea is exciting to me. Every single day I think about a baby. I think about all of the things I would do to prepare. I imagine hearing a baby cry again, after Isaac was silent in his birth and death. I imagine shopping and buying diapers and baby lotion. I imagine seeing my kids hold a new baby again for the first time after their brother dieing. I imagine getting to do all of those tender things again, that I lost in Isaac's death. I imagine the feeling of creating with our Maker, I have loved being pregnant so much in the past. It would be such a blessing, even if a fearful experience, to get to experience that again.

It had been really hard for me having Olivia in preschool. I thought it would get easier, but each time she leaves my heart breaks a little extra. I miss her, even if she is truly enjoying herself. It's been so good for her, I have been so pleased to see her be such a nice playmate. She certainly is the ring master at home, but has learned to be a friend to children her own age. I'm really proud of her, just sad over my broken heart.

The holidays are approaching, and I am do things my way this year. Last year was so heartbreaking, but I have some excitement over Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. I warned my mother in law that I was not attending the huge holiday hooplah, and that I was do my holidays MY way this year. I tried to suck it up and did too much last year, and in the end, it just hurt me more. This year I'm doing things how I want, in hopes of being able to appreciate and enjoy the joy that accompanies this time of year.

Anyways... I'm going to work for a few hours before I have to go pick up my little Olivia. Thanks for reading and listening....


Love, Misty

7 comments:

Gucci Mama said...

My heart aches for you and all you have faced and continue to face. I hope and pray that your dreams will come true.

Much love to you.

Kami's Khlopchyk said...

Like I told you on Monday, I have a really good feeling this is going to happen for you and I wish it every day.

xoxoxxoxox times 1,0000

Cheryl said...

I would never even try to imagine what you have gone through or what you are still working through daily....I can only relate to that desperate feeling of wanting to be a mom again...and the despair of not seeing that dream fulfilled each month...it truly is heartache...your strength, patience continues to amaze me...so happy to hear you are finding happiness in the holidays, and on your own terms...there should be no other way!
Thank you for reading and commenting on my blog, the twins are on a high fat diet and seem to be gaining weight...not as fast as doc's hope, but on the up...

Susan said...

You do what you need to do and the way you need to do it.

Sarita Boyette said...

It was nearly 4 years after Meredith died that Adam was born. I wanted a baby so badly and couldn't understand why one didn't come along. My heart had such a special feeling for him when he was placed in my arms - I do hope you get to have that feeling this coming year. (((HUGS)))

Jodi Lansink said...

When you talk about all the things you want---like getting baby things ready, and seeing your kids hold a new baby, etc....it breaks my heart. I know I am on the other side of this, but believe me, I also know exactly those feelings. I continue to pray for you, you deserve the best Misty. Keep your chin up and moving forward...as hard as it is, you are doing the best you can!

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog today and have been very touched by your story. My husband and I cannot have children and we have come to terms with that and have resolved to live our lives just appreciating each other. Most of the time, I find a way to be content with that, really, I do. I have been blessed with three beautiful nieces and one adorable nephew. I love them as if they were my own, but they're not and it doesn't matter how much I love them, at the end of the day, I send them home.

But I guess I felt compelled to comment today on your faith. I am in awe of your faith. I don't know how a person can go through what you've gone through and still have the kind of faith and trust in God that you have. I find that, when I'm at my weakest, sadest, most depressed, I get mad a God. Then I get mad at myself for getting mad at God. I don't know where you find the strength and conviction when your heart is so badly broken.

I admire you. Thank you for sharing your story.