Friday, February 19, 2010

Finding pieces.

I’m not an Oprah watcher. But for some reason within the last 7 days I had it on while I was getting some work done for my boss. I figured the mindless chatter would distract me enough so that the time would pass quickly. The more I listened, on these 3 different occasions, the more my mind drifted back to when I was a child. The three shows you wonder? Two on child molesters, one on reuniting with lost family.

My family is broken. I know no one likes to think of their family that way, but it is true. I don’t have the greatest relationship, or NO relationship with my brother anymore. My Aunt and I have parted ways, and I have long since said good riddance to my abusive adopted parents. I’ve been fortunate enough to hang on to my biological grandparents, and have started more sincerely nurturing a relationship with my sister within the last 6 months. One thing that really stuck out to me was this sentence: “You cannot find peace until you have found all of the pieces”. That brings tears to my eyes, because part of me feels that this is true. Another part, not true. I was saddened to find out that my biological father died a few months after my youngest child did last year. I found myself angry because I began to think about how that man knew he was dying and never reached out. He never made amends, he never said sorry. He never said sorry for deciding to give my brother, sister, and I away to his best friend. He chose a woman over us. And not only that, I was molested and haunted by this man. I feared him, he stole a piece of me that I can never back. We slept on the floor over a heating vent so that we would not be soaked in urine while sharing a bed with one of his other children. We hid in our rooms so we did not have to watch all the sex that was displayed around their home freely. I made a plan to run away with my brother. That never happened…… Another sentence from those shows I found to be true: When a child is molested you steal (from them) the person they could have become. That is true. I will never be the Misty I could have been. I am different. I am scarred. I am broken in that sacred way. Another sentence from those shows, was something to the effect of: a child that has been taught that they cannot trust their parents, learns they can trust almost no one. How does a child learn love and safety when they are not loved and safe with the human beings that gave them LIFE. I don’t keep many friends. I fear people hurting me, family or not. If trust is broken with in a friendship, I rarely return. If I don’t feel safe in a friendship or valued, I flee. Many times in my life I have found myself alone. And that was ok with me, because I knew I was safe. I think of my children often. They are at the age that I suffered some terrible things. My mother disappeared into the night, around the time of Easter, and I never saw her again. There were times we had no food. There were times my mother turned tricks to make money. There were times my sister had to steal in order to put food into our bodies. We knew how to hide from men, we feared much of the human race. I never learned to trust. Tired of that? So. Am. I. Tired of me being defensive and misunderstanding your intentions? So am I. Tired my need to feel loved and valued? So am I.

I think about my adoptive parents and the stage they set for my childhood. No love. No freedom. No care. No joy. I work every day of my life to NOT be them. Am I a perfect mother? Far from it, I’m afraid to admit. But one thing I have conquered is this: LOVE. Love for my children. They are happy, and nurtured, and safe. They are loved, and they KNOW it. They are VALUED, and they know it. They are SAFE, and they KNOW it. Many, many things I have gotten wrong - - but this, this I have not. My children know of their great and priceless self worth.

Loving my children as fiercely as I do has set the stage for me to love my child that I gave birth to, and held him as he died. He, TOO, knew he was loved. He, too, knew he was safe in my arms, that I chose HIM, that I chose to love him, all of him. I chose to love my child that I would not raise. I chose to love him as much as my other children. Isaac was our family lesson in love. I think about becoming pregnant again, and I think about making choices for my family, and not being willing to carry a child again like Isaac, and that I am afraid. I trust in the Lord to make blessings available to our family, even the ones that we cannot understand, and I pray for the faith to follow through any coming trials with hope. We are writing our family love story one day at a time, and we’ll include what God has in store for us, even if it is not what we had hoped or dreamed for.

I am still dreaming in Utah. I am still healing my broken heart over my dead child, and I am still healing over my latest miscarriage. We are praying carefully to have the knowledge to know how to proceed with pregnancy here on out, and for all things considering our children and life together. We don’t seek anyone else’s understanding or approval except for a loving Father in Heaven. Happy days are ahead. For you. For us. I can feel it. Walk with me until then, and even after.

17 comments:

Kami's Khlopchyk said...

There is nothing more important you can give your children that unconditional love, you my dear, even after all you have been through, have that down to a science. I know because I can feel it in your words.

I had that as a child too and I cannot. imagine. what it would be like without it but what I do imagine is simply awful.

xoxoxoxo

Grandma Rozla said...

You are strong Misty. I don't know you but I feel it in the words you write and the feelings you share. May Heavenly Father bless you as you try to find the pieces. And I pray for you that your heart will be healed and you will be able to see the sunshine always! What a blessing that your children know they are loved and they are safe! Have a wonderful day!

VKT said...

Dear Misty,

I was so touched by your blog. What a blessing for your children to know that you love them unconditionally. I will put you on my prayer list dear lady!

Travis said...

I love you so so much.

Cheryl said...

I watched those shows too this week, very powerful....
We give our children what we never had...that is different for everyone, and you are doing just that. You are giving them love and stability and trust...
thinking of you!

Eliot's Mom said...

"We are writing our family love story one day at a time ..." I love that. And you're right, no one has to understand or accept or approve that story but you and Heavenly Father. I'm glad I stopped by today. That's a nice little thought to have in my head as I face my chores. Tell Andrew and your kiddos hi for us.

Hamars4 said...

um, sorry that wasn't Travis... It was me Brookie! He was signed into his account.... OOOoopppsss!!!

Pokeyann said...

What a miracle to not only have love but the ability to share it! I know what a triumph that is. Thank you for being you! I love you!

Natalie said...

Dear Misty,
I pray God will bless you abundantly this year and your heart will continue to heal.
With Love Natalie

Debbie said...

Hi, a fellow survivor here! Nothing can take away the pains of the past except Heavenly Father. What helps me get through the long dark nights, is knowing that I am HIS precious daughter and that someday my trials and challenges will bring blessings into my life. I know this is so true! There was a reason I chose to go to abusive adoptive parents, what was I thinking? LOL. Heavenly Father is watching out for you and protecting you, even when you don't feel it. Hugs and Kisses to you always. Debbie

Jason, as himself said...

You've been through so much more than I had imagined. I am so sorry. I'm sure it will take a lifetime to heal, but it sounds like you are on the right path. I'm glad you're working on dealing with your pieces.

Klin said...

You are healthier and greater than you realize. It is hard work to heal from the atrocities of another's agency that was misused. Few people decide to be a chain breaker. Breaking the chains of abuse is hard work. It means knowing everything about you. Everything that you are capable of and don't want to do. Ignoring our dark side allows it to show up. You face it head on and thus weaken the power it has over you. This is why you are a great mom. You have broken the chain and given your children the love and unconditional acceptance that you desired.

I love you Misty. You are a hero to many. You know where you stand with God and that is much more important than where you stand with man.

Jodi Lansink said...

I watch Oprah everyday, and I did see those shows....and I had a very sick feeling in my stomach watching and tears in my eyes. I am so sorry you have gone through such heartache....seriously, what a strong woman you are. I admire you, and I admire you for sharing your story.

Look at those beautiful little ones you have, and they will be great people because of you, because you have chosen to break the cycle. You can tell just how much your kids mean to you, and how you are a great mom! Just thought you needed to hear that!

Holly said...

We never want our children to experience the bad things that have happened to us. We want better for them and I know you love your children so much Misty and you are doing a great job and giving them the best.

Mom Putnam said...

You ARE a strong woman Misty, just by what you have had to endure and what an amazing mother you are to your children. The pictures of them are so beautiful and the LOVE you talk about is real for your children as well. I am thinking of you and pray for you as you continue your journey.
Many Blessings......

I have a good life said...

You are such a strong woman for all you have been through. I cannot express just how much you have inspired me. I love your trust in the Lord. I am there again....seems like the two of us are destined to relive the heartaches, huh? But, we both know that our Heavenly Father is there and loves us....EVEN and probably ESPECIALLY when we do not understand why. Keep up the strength. I need it. Your kids need it. You are amazing. Absolutely amazing. I hope that at some point I get to give you a hug in this life, but if not...I am certain we will get to see each other and embrace after this life is over!

Karol said...

I whispered a prayer for you tonight. Life is indeed painful at times. Aching with you in the loss of your beautiful Isaac. Currently struggling with the incomprehensible pain of losing my beautiful daughter in September. God is good, even in this.
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