Matthew 5:16 (King James Version)
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the last few weeks. Thinking about my family. Thinking about the harsh words that have flown around, and about the judgments that have been passed. I truly have NOTHING to be ashamed of, and I will NOT hide like I have done something wrong. I won’t hide my blog or my journal entries or my thoughts and feelings just because somebody else thinks differently than I know to be true. I claim my imperfections as my OWN. I own the areas I have to grown within, and I also own the areas of my life that I have soared though. For those that are with me, bless you. For those of you that judge me, don’t understand me, mock me, and try to hurt me, I DON’T CARE. There is no room for you in my life. Not now, not before, not ever.
Christmas? Bummer. I tried, I TRIED so hard this year to keep everything normal and bubbly and happy. I think I did a pretty good job. I did a good job at hiding my sadness, and I did a good job not raining on anyone’s parade. My kids had a BLAST. They felt joy, and I felt proud of myself that I was able to give them that. They felt loved and adored and appreciated and spoiled. I felt empty, angry, and sad. I still do. I know the “reason for the season”, and I know I have much to be thankful for, but I still miss my boy. Christmas this year wasn’t the same without him. I cringe when I think about last Christmas. I was 20 weeks along, sailing through the holidays, convinced as ever that I was carrying a healthy robust baby. On January 15th that air was let out of my sails in a big way. Never again to be the same Misty. Never again.
I think about this baby I am carrying. We prayed for this baby. We prayed to conceive him or her. We prayed for the answer to know when it was appropriate to allow for the chance to become pregnant again. We carefully spoke to the children about having another sibling in the family, and what that meant, and how they felt. I took my vitamins and folic acid for months before, and continue every day to take them now. I wish MORE than anything that I could feel safe and secure in this dream for our family. I wish I could feel more joy. I wish I could walk around pregnant the way I used to before I had a dead baby. I wish I believed like I used to that nothing would go wrong. I wish I could allow myself to bond to this baby, to fully trust in the Lord. I am scared shitless. Scared out of my head and heart. Scared shitless.
I KNOW things can go wrong. What happens if they go wrong again?? Would God ask this of me and my family again? Could I carry another baby to term that would die again?? How on earth could I do it twice? I pray, with every thought, that this will not be so. God promised me, in his own way, that this child that I am carrying now will be healthy. That this child will live. How on earth can I muster up the faith to whole heartedly believe in that?? I am trying. Trying and trying, and believing and believing, and praying and praying.
So now we wait. We wait and pray and look for the beauty in all things. We praise God for this blessing and beg His Son to carry us through. I can’t do it alone. It takes every ounce of my energy to just be. To just be the wife and mother that I already am. I take care of my family. I take care of myself. I hold down my job, and take care of my home - - but right now there isn’t much left over - - not much left over for extended family, for church, for life outside of my bubble.
Pray and believe with me that this baby will be well. That we will experience this joy again, and that I can live day to day feeling blessed to have been given the gift of another pregnancy in my life. Next year could be so different. SO different. Journey with me there, won’t you??