Saturday, December 26, 2009

I'm Sticking Around.

Matthew 5:16 (King James Version)
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the last few weeks. Thinking about my family. Thinking about the harsh words that have flown around, and about the judgments that have been passed. I truly have NOTHING to be ashamed of, and I will NOT hide like I have done something wrong. I won’t hide my blog or my journal entries or my thoughts and feelings just because somebody else thinks differently than I know to be true. I claim my imperfections as my OWN. I own the areas I have to grown within, and I also own the areas of my life that I have soared though. For those that are with me, bless you. For those of you that judge me, don’t understand me, mock me, and try to hurt me, I DON’T CARE. There is no room for you in my life. Not now, not before, not ever.

Christmas? Bummer. I tried, I TRIED so hard this year to keep everything normal and bubbly and happy. I think I did a pretty good job. I did a good job at hiding my sadness, and I did a good job not raining on anyone’s parade. My kids had a BLAST. They felt joy, and I felt proud of myself that I was able to give them that. They felt loved and adored and appreciated and spoiled. I felt empty, angry, and sad. I still do. I know the “reason for the season”, and I know I have much to be thankful for, but I still miss my boy. Christmas this year wasn’t the same without him. I cringe when I think about last Christmas. I was 20 weeks along, sailing through the holidays, convinced as ever that I was carrying a healthy robust baby. On January 15th that air was let out of my sails in a big way. Never again to be the same Misty. Never again.

I think about this baby I am carrying. We prayed for this baby. We prayed to conceive him or her. We prayed for the answer to know when it was appropriate to allow for the chance to become pregnant again. We carefully spoke to the children about having another sibling in the family, and what that meant, and how they felt. I took my vitamins and folic acid for months before, and continue every day to take them now. I wish MORE than anything that I could feel safe and secure in this dream for our family. I wish I could feel more joy. I wish I could walk around pregnant the way I used to before I had a dead baby. I wish I believed like I used to that nothing would go wrong. I wish I could allow myself to bond to this baby, to fully trust in the Lord. I am scared shitless. Scared out of my head and heart. Scared shitless.

I KNOW things can go wrong. What happens if they go wrong again?? Would God ask this of me and my family again? Could I carry another baby to term that would die again?? How on earth could I do it twice? I pray, with every thought, that this will not be so. God promised me, in his own way, that this child that I am carrying now will be healthy. That this child will live. How on earth can I muster up the faith to whole heartedly believe in that?? I am trying. Trying and trying, and believing and believing, and praying and praying.

So now we wait. We wait and pray and look for the beauty in all things. We praise God for this blessing and beg His Son to carry us through. I can’t do it alone. It takes every ounce of my energy to just be. To just be the wife and mother that I already am. I take care of my family. I take care of myself. I hold down my job, and take care of my home - - but right now there isn’t much left over - - not much left over for extended family, for church, for life outside of my bubble.

Pray and believe with me that this baby will be well. That we will experience this joy again, and that I can live day to day feeling blessed to have been given the gift of another pregnancy in my life. Next year could be so different. SO different. Journey with me there, won’t you??

16 comments:

Mary said...

Oh Misty, I feel your heaviness and tension this holiday season. How hard to know the true joy, and yet feel unheard of sorrow. But what is Christianity without the meeting of ultimate joy and deep, heartbreaking sorrow?

I am praying with you for this little one. Especially as even now we pray and think about when to and how to try again. I can only imagine the fear. I will pray, yes I will pray.

Kristin (kekis) said...

I'm with you, Misty. I haven't gone anywhere. Stay strong and faithful and stick to your beliefs. Everyone that needs to be a part of your world right now will remain; the others will find another path, and that's okay. Do what you need to do in order to care for you, your babies, your DH and your baby-to-be. That is what is important, so focus your sights and energies there.

just jamie said...

Misty, it's been far too long since I've visited. By blog, or by phone for that matter. And to me? Your pregnancy is wonderful news, and joyful news. I know. I know you have suffered, but now...? Now you know that YOU are a mama to the core. And this baby #5 will be loved, and celebrated, and will carry reveries of moments gone by. I love you. I'm so truly grateful for your newest love.

Jason, as himself said...

Well, I am glad you're sticking around!

I'm sorry you had a rough Christmas. I get it. Kind of.

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

I am so glad that you are continuing to blog....I love your honesty....

Verna said...

Bless YOU! I'm here and will stay. My heart goes out to you. Fear of the unknown. How well I know. We all go through it in different ways, But God will be with us each step of the way.

Will continue to pray for you.

Thank you for the lovely comment on my upcoming grandchild's quilt and pillow. The child that someone else almost had to raise when she was born since I almost died. Is now having a baby of her own, and yes the fear is there that she might have the same problems I did after birth of a child. We simply have to trust God and he will see us through.
I spent a lot of my evenings, doing crafts, quilting, etc. First of all to stay awake and second, becauses it helps keep my fingers limber from the arthuritus, But mostly because it lets me keep my mind occupied so that Fear is not the uttmost in my mind consuming me.

Since we all have fears of some kind, we will continue to pray for each other. I will daily lift you up in prayer to our wonderful Lord and Saviour. May you feel blessed with this new little one coming, and we will always remember the one who went on ahead and is praising God up in heaven.
Hang in there taking one day at a time.
We love you.

Kaleena said...

Oh I am praying for you. I know the pain of loss and I also know what it feels like to have extended family think I should just "get over it already" and move on with my life. That is really one of the main reasons why I rarely mention my sweet Samuel on my blog. I take the coward's way out and am ashamed that I have to hide my feelings from my own family, but it really is much easier than having to deal with the hurtful comments and the mean name-calling. I wish I was as strong as you and could just speak my mind. I will be praying for a healthy baby for you:) Smiles and sunshine,
Kaleena

Cheryl said...

Misty, I have been thinking of you and hoping you were finding some time to laugh and smile during the holidays...for just a minute I want your pain to subside, seeing the kids at Christmas is the most delightful isn't it!
I wish nothing more for you then to find out this baby is perfectly healthy....
PS: why is family the most critical and judgemental? We all have one in the family and while we may have 20 others who are warm and supportive, it;s that one person who can destroy us. My mom always said that those people can make a sane person insane. Some days I feel that is so true!

Michele said...

I'm so glad you are keeping this blog, Misty. I think that is great. And we are praying for your family, especially your new little one.

I remember asking God if he would ask us to give another child back to Him when I was pregnant with Alex. I told Peter how I couldnt do it again, how I didnt think I would survive... And yet, God did give us that strength. While I am praying that God will not ask you to return another child to His heavenly kingdom, I know that, no matter what, He is with you and will help you through whatever He asks of you.

Holly said...

I'll be sticking around wherever you feel is best to place your thoughts. I'm so glad that your kids had a wonderful Christmas. Christmas definitely isn't the same when someone is missing. I am believing and praying for your baby and that all will be well.

Penny said...

praying for your peace, knowing you strengths more tan you God is blessing you. As the Mom of a rainbow baby I can tell you the loss never goes away. But life is sweet again......

I'm not going anywhere.........

Debbie said...

I'll be right beside you in this journey. Rely on your strength, knowledge and faith and you will be calm, peaceful and blessed.

Mom Putnam said...

Misty, I read your blog and want you to know that you are NOT traveling this journey alone. We are all here with you and if my part in your journey with the baby is nothing but prayers being lifted for you and tyour family then that is what I will do. know that I will be praying everyday for the life you are carrying and that HIS will be done by giving you what you most desire-A Healthy Baby. God hears us and knows before we even ask. Bless you. I am so glad your kids had a nice Christmas. Love to all.

Trish said...

I am praying praying praying that you and your baby and your whole family will be healthy and happy!

Merry Christmas!

I have a good life said...

I, like you Misty, are hoping that 2010 brings so much more happiness and joy than 2009. But, we did it, didn't we? We waded through the sorrows and the tears only to come out on the other end still sorrowing, still crying, but stronger, closer to our Savior, and ready to take on life, at least one day at a time.

Love you. Thanks for your inspiration.

Rebecca said...

I am so glad that you aren't going away. I need you here. I want to read your heart and share this space with you.

There is NO WAY this can be any kind of easy. And somewhere I missed the news that there is a child growing inside of you again. That makes me happy for you - so very happy.

Each week on the prayer roll at the Seattle temple your names are there. Going forward they will remain. And, I will continue to visit as this amazing journey begins again for you.

Thank you for your brave and tender soul and for being willing to remain and take the road less traveled.