Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Wishful thinking.

I have a lot of anxiety these days. Anxiety over my dreams to become pregnant again and to bare another child. I think about it ALL of the time. The fear I feel takes my breath away. It’s almost paralyzing. Almost like I should be breathing into a brown paper bag every time it crosses my mind.

I know there are more children for us. Some times moments pass that I would rather think there are no more, that I can find peace with the children I have now. I’d like to think that, but these sweet spirits still whisper to me that they are still waiting. Some times I think if I could just birth one more healthy baby, then if something happened during a pregnancy after that, I would be willing to make this same sacrifice again. When in all reality I think it would kill me to bury another one of my children. No more. Not again. I can’t be asked twice, right?? I find myself bartering with the Lord, almost begging and pleading with him every moment of every day. Just one more chance... just... one....more... chance........

Some how women push through and make their dreams come true. Some how women silence their own fears enough to become pregnant again and trust the fate of their little one to God again. I remember that when I am afraid. I remember the promises that have been made to me. I dream of buying a new crib and clothes and bottles and formula and baby shampoo and a new car seat. I dream of lieing there listening to my baby scream after he’s born and knowing he’s mine to take home and love and raise. I won’t leave empty handed again. I won’t be wheeled out by a nursery full of newborns while I stare ahead at the wall as hard as I can, so I won’t see. I won’t be listening to other newborn babies cry for their Mamas while I hold my baby that never made a sound. I won’t dressing my newborn in burial clothing and placing him in a casket. I won’t bleed for no reason and count every day as is passes, wishing my milk would dry up. I won’t be sitting at a computer thinking I need to get back into the world again, but knowing I’m just not ready. Life a year from now can be SO different. Let’s count on that.

23 comments:

Celia said...

Misty....ditto....my heart screams the same at me. There are times when I can be content with the children I have but then my "mommy heart" screams at me that no, I have at least one more child, maybe 2 or 3.....I'm not done.

There is a story in the bible that keeps coming to me and it scares me. It is the one where God closed Rachel's womb and disallowed her to have children when she so desparately wanted one and prayed so heavily for one. I worry that God would do that to me. Which is why I get so angry when I think of this heartache that he has allowed me to endure.....This has to be for SOMETHING, right???!!! He will allow me to have more children, right??!! God I hope and pray so.

For you, I know your journey is not over. You WILL have more children. I pray that for you all the time.

anna said...

oh misty, i am praying for you right now. what a hard road you are on right now. but He is faithful. He is with you. He loves you.

MommyIvy said...

When I miscarried I was afraid to try again. I was afraid the same thing would happen again. Then when we decided to try, nothing was happening. Then I began to think I couldn't have kids. I finally got pregnant and he is a healthy 18 month old. It will happen again for you and the baby will be happy and healthy. I will pray that for you.

Holly said...

I have a fear there of losing another child so you are not alone in this.

Michele said...

Pregnancy after loss is so hard for so many reasons. I remember with Alex that I thought I had a pass on losing a third child. I reasoned that my risk of prematurely birthing twins and losing them had been higher than normal, but that, surely, with a single, my chances were great that he would go to term... Surely, God wouldnt ask us to give back another child. When he was born and so quickly taken back to heaven, I was destroyed. But in that, it taught me that the moments with him were worth all the pain again. His birth and death actually gave me the strength to try again and give them more siblings. And I wouldnt take back these moments now for anything in the world, even though I have no idea if these babies will live long, healthy lives in the world.

It is hard... So hard... But God will get you through it... No matter what happens.

Anne-Marie said...

My heart just aches for you Misty. I cannot begin to imagine what you feel on a daily basis. The Lord will perform a miracle for you and I can't wait to see it all through your blog. Full circle. Maybe a year from now.

Roxanne said...

I lost a baby at 20 weeks and never thought I could become pregnant again . I then had 2 healthy children and realized god gave me those children to healp heal me . Your lose is still so new and your emotions you are feeling are so real . God loves you and will protect you from things you cant handle .

Roxanne

http://ourjourneyoftheunknown.blogspot.com/

Mom Putnam said...

Misty--My heart also aches for you and wish I could help you but there is nothing I can do for you only be there as a shoulder to lean on, cry on, soft place to land. But, I do pray for you and all the rest of the moms and know that the Lord I serve knows how bad you want to be a mom again and I believe with all my heart that it will happen just in his time not ours. Which I know is no consolation when you want one so badly, and patience is not something most of us have but need to learn to practice and i speak for myself as well. When I read the blogs from you and Celia I wish I could magically make it all better and the feelings you have go away but I cant, and the only thing i can do is PRAY which is the most powerful tool I have. Just never give up he is still the only one on earth that grants miracles!!!!!!! much love to you and your family
Linda

Cheryl said...

Misty you will be a mom again, and it will work out.... trust in that. People like you, good, wonderful, giving people deserve the very best...a year from now will be full of smiles...I can feel it!

Sara said...

I am so sorry you are going through this...I can't imagine losing another baby either. And I see all of these women trying again after losing their babies and just don't know if I could do it. I am so happy when I read blogs of women that are pregnant again and pray so hard that everything goes well for them. I don't know if I would look at things differently if my husband was still here. I really don't think so. It makes me cry so much to think about how he would have handled having his baby boy that he wanted so bad not survive birth. But they are now together in Heaven watching over my baby girl & I. Can't wait to see my boys again. Hugs to you and your family. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!

Christina said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jodi Lansink said...

I would say you are not alone----everything you said is how I feel too. I know it is too soon to even have the thoughts of another baby---but I do hope someday we will have another, not to replace Jillian, but to add to our little family. But scares me to think of burying another----I couldn't do it. Thanks for the post---and you are not alone with those thougths!

Nickel Pickle said...

((hugs)) I remember after Logan died I was so scared of something like this happening again. I knew I could not handle burying another baby, I figured I might just lose my will to live if I had to go through the pain of losing another child. It took me a very long time before I felt even semi-ready. Of course I wanted another baby, but just way too scared..I was too much of a mess.

You are a wonderful Mommy and deserve a "take home baby".

Love,
Nicole Mommy to Logan Quinn

Klin said...

Nothing like empty arms and all the recovery of pregnancy to make your heart ache like it never has before.

You are in my prayers. You are also in my thoughts a lot of the time.

Eliot's Mom said...

Remember this that you left on my blog a year ago? "You'll know when the time is right for you to add on to your sweet family, Heavenly Father will whisper to your heart, and you'll be willing, even if it seems impossible." I know that you're receptive to those whisperings, and I know you'll have the strength to overcome your very understandable anxieties when that time comes. In the meantime, just imagine your future one(s) playing with their big brother Isaac until their time comes ... I bet he's taking great care of them.

Rina the Mama Bear said...

First of all-I'm praying for you. You are an incredibly strong woman.

I desperately want just one more baby...but I'm scared that the second will be as traumatic and difficult as the first.

Emily said...

Well said, Misty. I think we're all kind of going through something like this. It's scary, but the rewards are so great.

I was just commenting on another blog how I will be rejoicing the day when all of our sad blogs contain the happiest of news. It's coming, sister. Believe it. :)

Loving you....

Beth said...

Thinking of you with love always. xoxo

Michelle said...

The words you write hit very close to home. It is as if I have written your post (however, we all know I am not nearly as beautiful of a writer as you). It is like you have written down my thoughts.

I worry all of the time that we won't be blessed with another baby. Or if we are, something will happen again. I love my daughters and I feel very fortunate to have them with us, but I still feel like our family isn't complete. I don't know if it will ever feel complete with our son in heaven and not with us.

Pokeyann said...

One day at a time, breathe in breathe out. I pray and hope your heart will be held close by Heavenly Father and your hopes become reality. Love you!

Kami's Khlopchyk said...

I can understand your anxiety, it was so hard but now you deserve happiness and I am sure it's coming. Just as I am sure the sun will rise tomorrow.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Trisha Larson said...

I can relate. For me, there is a fear of losing another child, but there is a greater fear that God won't give us another baby at all. We've already been trying for well over a year and no success. My heart breaks every month when he says "no"...again. It's so hard to keep asking, praying, waiting.

I know so many that are able to get pregnant right away and go on to have healthy babies. I wish that were me. I wish that He would tell us that everything would be okay. That our life would not have another tragedy. That we would live happily ever after. I pray for that every day. But, until then, I'm fighting to enjoy and appreciate the life that I have. The children that I can hug and the husband who still loves me.

American Home said...

Misty,
My heart is with you. We will be praying with you. Have a nice day & thank you for all of your encouraging words for my mom.
God bless you.